Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Friday Night Pick-up Lines - Wise Woman Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
A job negotiator and a feminist were in a dispute. The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving. Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does? Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men. Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so. Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct? Fem: Yeah, so? Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Are Not I need you to whip it out by 5:00! Mind if I use your laptop? Put this in my box before you leave. I want it on my desk now! Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid. My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish! It's an entry level position. When do you think you'll be getting off today? It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.
Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."
Halloween Phrases I'd like to get a little something in the sack. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. Have someone check the goodies before they go into your mouth.
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green." The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss." No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking." Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib." "Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.
Q: Why don't witches wear panties? A: So they can get a better grip on the broom. Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
A husband and wife were in their back yard when he was noticed her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big. Almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tapemeasure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!" Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?" Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!"
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen? My God girl! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL," and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
My nickname should be Planters cause I love the taste of nuts in my mouth .... Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
Q: What's worse then passing out at a party and getting a penis drawn on your forehead? A: Finding out that they traced it.
Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them." The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it?" The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots. The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles." The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blow job." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house." The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"
A businessman walks into the local bar and orders 5 shots of tequila. He drinks the first, looks in his jacket pocket, shakes his head and reaches for the next shot. After each successive shot he again looks in his pocket. When the bartender asks what's going on he says "I've got a picture of my wife in there and I keep drinking til she looks good, then go home" Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Her mom fainted.
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
My girlfriend told me my penis was huge. I'd have appreciated the compliment if she hadn't been looking through a magnifying glass at the time. A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
The inexperienced guy talks to his friend about his first encounter with a prostitute. – “It was totally crazy. Right when I came she screamed: whip me, bad boy, whip me..!” – “What did you do then?”, the friend asked. – “Well, I didn’t have a whip so I head banged her.”
Given the recent slowdown in iPhone X sales, Apple announced today that it will skip the wearables market and develop a line of digital implants for adults. Shipping in the summer of 2018, the Apple iBoob is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. Sold in pairs, the new Apple iBoobs will cost from $999 to $1399 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
What's the fastest speed you can drive in a car while having sex?? 68 miles per hour .. Cause at 69 ya gotta turn around Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question "That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago." "I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town." "Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind." "Ssshhh, the games on right now... go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!" "Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch." "Like the girl I was with yesterday." "Like someone in dire need for some liposuction." "Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend." "How can I put this... MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
