What are the 4 Animals a Woman must have? A "Mink" around her neck. A "Tiger" in bed. A "Jaguar" in the garage. A "Jack Ass" to pay for it all.
Mrs. Lincoln: Abe take me out tonight, I'm tired of staying in all the time. Mr. Lincoln: Fine woman, if it'll stop your bellyaching we'll go see that play that's at the Ford Theater. Why should hurricanes only have women's names? Because when they come through you're wet, homeless and only half your stuff is left. My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology." I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology." Then I disconnected his life support.
I think cause several people here are affected by it it might be best to skip them. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
AWESOME means more people to offend....I mean come on what happened to; Three Mile Island Jokes Hurricane Katrina Jokes Dead Baby Jokes
Things I learned from Disney; - Prince Charming (from Cinderella) has a foot fetish - Some girls like ugly guys, case in point Madeline & Quasimodo - Cinderella is a drug fiend. there is no way mice become horses and pull a carriage that was previously a pumpkin - Snow White is into gangbangs, I mean come on living with 7 guys - Maid Marion (from Robin Hood) put out, because there is no way a guy is going to be shot at, chased by the authorities and run the risk of being hanged unless he's getting some. - Christopher Robin (from Winnie the Pooh) it would appear has a furries fetish since all his friends are "animals."
"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I covered it with peanut butter and he woofed it down."
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: Did you hear about the whorehouse where all the hookers quit? A: The owner had to run everything by hand.
Q: What's green, slimy and smells like bacon? A: Kermit's finger Q: How fast can a Danica Patrick drive? A: 68 mph, because at 69 she blows a rod. Q: Why were the dinosaurs always angry? A: If you had short arms and could masturbate you'd be angry too.
Insults that have no swearing: "You have all the warmth, charm and personality of a wet dishrag." "Considering how friendly you are, I bet your pets run away on purpose." "You're not ugly, you're just beauty-challenged." "You're so mean, you probably have your own section of Hell named in your honor."
There was an old hermit couple living on a mountain until one day the mans wife died. Everything was fine for about three months but he got lonely so he went down the mountain to the town and went into the bar. He sat down and ordered a beer and asked the bartender, "Hey do 'ya have any women?" The bartender said, "No but we have big Joe." The man said, "I ain't like that" and stormed off back to the mountain. Three more months go by and the man decides to try asking again. He comes into the bar and says, "Hey do you have any women yet?" The bartender said, "No, just big Joe," so the man said, "I ain't like that" and again stormed out. After a year or so the old man decided to try once more so he goes down the mountain, into the bar and asks if they have any women. The bartender gave the usual reply, "Just big Joe." The old hermit said, "No I ain't like that," but stayed and had a few drinks. He asked the bartender, "If I were to do this thing with big Joe who all would know?" The bartender said, "Well me and you and big Joe of course and those two large men over there." The old hermit was taken back and said, "Why those two?" The bartender replied, "Well, somebody has to hold down big Joe, he ain't like that either."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Do you ever just look at someone and think "twat"? Q: Why do you think there are warning labels on everything? A: So you would be sitting here asking me that damn question. Q: Baby, sweetheart do you love me? A: Okay, what the hell did you do now?!!!!
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work."Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET 10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9. No thanks, just sniffing. 8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7. Mom will love this. 6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable. 5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here. 4. Will you model this for me? 3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!! 2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!! And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is: 1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut? A: Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!
A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places. When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."
A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women. They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?" "Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one. "I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir, You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see. No fee, Chen Lee
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom. "Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
I love clever little one liners like this! Air Force Amy-Ho On The Back-Ho 14 by Air Force Amy posted Nov 27, 2016 at 12:54 PM
The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes. "Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?" The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said "I really get two more wishes?" "Yes", the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires." "Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted." Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man." The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping. The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured... "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"
