Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
  2. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

    "Oh, come along with me then."

    "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

    "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

    "But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.

    "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "No, thank you. The grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
     
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  3. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    The following statements were found on patients' charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

    "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

    "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

    "The skin was moist and dry."

    "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

    "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."

    "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

    "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

    "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

    "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

    "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

    "She is numb from her toes down."

    "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."

    "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

    "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

    "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

    "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."
     
  4. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"
     
  5. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

    A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"
     
  6. BTFSTL
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    BTFSTL Well-Known Member

    From The Three Stooges...

    MOE: Why can't a chicken lay a loaf of bread?

    CURLY: Because he ain't got the crust!!!

    I'll be here all week... ;)
     
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  7. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    A teenager is at his grandparents’ house. He’s staying for the weekend and it’s pouring down rain outside. He’s frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.



    “Looks like it’s raining a fair bit outside buddy, you’ll have to be stuck inside with us” he said, smiling softly.



    His grandson rolled his eyes and shrugged his grandfather’s hand off his shoulder before responding sarcastically, “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”



    The grandfather’s gaze shifts to the window as he clears his throat. “Well, your grandmother can take my entire fist in her ass.”
     
  8. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up.

    “What’s the matter?” asks the guy.

    She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex.

    After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.

    “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.
     
  9. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him ''I bet you've never been hugged before.'' The legless man shakes his head.
    Then the second blonde says, ''I bet you've never been kissed before.'' The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, ''I bet you've never been fucked before.'' The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, ''Well you are now because the tide is coming in!'''
     
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  10. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband. It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me." He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
     
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  11. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa." She says no again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?" At that number, the blonde agrees. The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500." "Got it," she replies. He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5. Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?" The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
     
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  12. Colette Wingtouched
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    Colette Wingtouched Kinkster Extraordinaire

    There once was this little town that had a bell tower ringer, but sadly one day he died.
    So the Mayor holds try outs for the new bell ringer and a man with no arms came to try out, so they asked, "How are you going to ring the bell?"
    As if on queue, he smacks his head against the bell, so they hire him.
    Years go by and eventually there is a terrible rain storm.
    They find a body at the bottom of the bell tower and no one recognizes him, so they ask the Mayor and he says, "I'm not sure who he is, but his face sure rings a bell"​
     
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  13. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    From the incomparable Steve Martin, in Planes, Trains & Automobiles.....

    If I wanted a joke, I would follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.
     
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  14. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
     
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  15. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    The Bagpiper






    Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this poor homeless man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before.
    And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.


    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in these septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing.
     
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  16. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

    A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"
     
  17. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Day1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "yes dear"

    Day 2: "We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "yes dear".

    Day 3: "We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "No dear, it's because your 25.
     
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  18. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
     
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  19. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Once you're married and miserable the honeymoon type of sex when you're all over each other and it's hot, turns to ABC sex.
    This means you have sex on your Anniversary, Birthdays and Christmas.
     
  20. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
     
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  21. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Why did Mrs. Claus divorce Santa?
    Turns out he only came once a year and it was when he was at some other woman's house.
     
  22. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?

    A: A white one starts off with "Once upon a time..." A black one starts off with, "Yo ass ain't gonna believe dis shit..."
     
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  23. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between a stunt show in Vegas and a stunt show in Arkansas?

    Stunt show in Vegas they say "direct your attention the ramp and the driver" whereas an Arkansas stunt show they say, "Here Bubba hold my beer, watch this sh*t."
     
  24. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    It's been so long since I've been laid I'm a virgin again.
     
  25. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?

    A: They heard that those under seventeen weren't admitted!
     
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  26. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

    A: 100 people who don't do dick!
     
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  27. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    Q: What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?



    A: A nut and bolt.
     
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  28. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Surveys just in.....

    8 out of 10 proctologists find their job to be a pain in the a$$.

    9 out of 10 people don't trust the 1 out of 10 people in surveys who don't answer surveys.

    7 out of 10 women enjoy oral sex, the other 3 find it more than a mouthful.

    8 out of 10 women lie, size really does matter.

    7 out 10 racists are prejudice, the other 3 are just a$$h*les.
     
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  29. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice. Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection." Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms. The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"
     
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  30. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Is that Windex in your pants?

    A: Because I can sure see myself in them.
     
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  31. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
    A: After five years your job will still suck.
     
  32. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. He couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.



    Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.



    One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.



    “You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.



    The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”



    “Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”
     
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  33. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal."See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
     
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  34. Sharky
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    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Sharky went to the BunnyRanch and was so dejected, after taxes and bills all he had was $100 to spend on a party.
    He walked in and saw Tamela and she could tell something was bothering him.
    "What's wrong Sharky?" Tamela asked
    "I only have $100 and don't know what to do." He replied
    "Well I don't normally do this but let's go back and talk."
    Once they were back in the room Sharky emptied his pockets, sure enough he only had $100 on him. Tamela was a bit discouraged and said she never did anything for less than $400. Sharky was dejected but Tamela said maybe she would just give him a handjob, afterall it was $100. So she said first let me see your cock.
    Sharky dropped his pants and Tamela's jaw hit the floor she had never seen a cock so big and so thick, she started to get wet immediately. She started to think and told Sharky to sit on the bed, she would be right back.
    Tamela ran out to the parlor and ran to the door. Suzette stopped her, "Tamela where are you going?"

    Tamela looked at Suzette and said, "I got to go out to my car and get $300."
     
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  35. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful. Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said, "This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, "It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"
     
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