A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I don't have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.
Can also be replaced with: "Hold my beer!" Air Force Amy by Air Force Amy posted Nov 30, 2016 at 9:58 PM
What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? Rear Admiral! Air Force Amy by Air Force Amy posted Mar 30, 2016 at 11:28 AM
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How ya doing?" She then wiggled her backside and walked off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife."Er- just a woman I met professionally." stammered the doctor. "Oh yeah?" his wife snarled. "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball. "I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?" The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid." "That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?" "Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Why don't witches wear undies? To get a better grip on their brooms. Air Force Amy by Air Force Amy posted Nov 30, 2016 at 9:58 PM
A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, "Where's the burger?" The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit, "I was keeping it warm." Disgusted, the wife says, "Please cancel my hotdog order."
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her very fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing."
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
A Quickie ... Two nuns walked into a bar but the third one ducked Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
A woman goes into a drug store: Store worker: Can I help you? Woman: Yes, I need some dog food. Worker: What kind of dog do you have? Woman: I don't have a dog, I feed it to my husband. Worker: You shouldn't do that, it will kill him. Woman: No it won't I do it all the time. Woman leaves with dog food. She returns weekly to buy more. One day she comes in and doesn't buy any dog food. Worker" What, no dog food today? Woman: No, my husband is dead. Worker: See, I told you it would kill him. Woman: No that wasn't it, he was in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car ran over him.
A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Three gentlemen walk into a pub, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. They go up to the bar and each order a pint of Guinness. As the bartender sets the glasses in front of them three flies float down and land, one in each glass. The Englishman is appalled and demands a fresh beer. The Scotsman looks at him, says "Wanker" and simply flicks the fly off his beer before taking a drink. Meanwhile, the Irishman gently picks up the fly from his pint, holds it over the glass and shouts "SPIT IT OUT!!!" ... lol Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
Here's another ... A teenage boy is going to have sex with his girlfriend but wants to be responsible. He goes to the drugstore to buy condoms but is really nervous. So he waits until no one else is in the store, grabs a box and runs up to the register. The clerk says "That will be $7, plus tax". The boy looks shocked and timidly asks "Tacks .. won't they stay on themselves??" Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
Sex with Jennifer After the sex I had with Jennifer Aniston yesterday there are three things I can tell you: 1. She's tight as hell. It was a real struggle getting it in. 2. She will take it all over her face without saying a word. 3. The staff at the wax museum have no sense of humor at all.
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light. Next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid tells him yes. The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!"
Q: Where do lady ghosts go for haircuts? A: The Boo-ty Parlor! Air Force Amy by Air Force Amy posted Dec 5, 2016 at 1:51 PM
A man walking down the street trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, "I will grant you one wish." The man says, "I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there." The genie sighs. "That's too much work. Sorry, can't make it happen." The man says, "Fine, then I want to understand women." The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?" He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?"He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Three old men are sitting in the rec room at their senior center. The first says "I really wish that blonde working 8am to 4 would show a little more leg". The second said "What would be even better is if the brunette working 4 to midnite would unbutton her shirt so I could see more of her cleavage". The third guy shakes his head, holds his back and says "but best of all would be if that damn nympho redhead working midnite to 8 would sleep with one of you two for a change!" Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
What's the difference between a wife and a job? After ten years the job still sucks! www.airforceamy.com by Air Force Amy posted Jan 15, 2016 at 5:16 PM
