@RoxyGold has over 400 snakes and performs various routines in what has been called "Roxy's Rattlesnake Revue"
@Jessica Riley really likes cats, and not just because they're cute and make good housepets. They're also sacred in Egyptian mythology, and Jessica is preparing to become the world's leading Egyptologist. (And if someone at a university takes that spot then she'll become a real-life embodiment of Lara Croft, who knows a thing or two about ancient cultures.)
@BigAlbowski leads a secret life, where he travels the world stealing the most expensive yarn he can get his hands on
Nate in the Box promotes events featuring people that have magical powers. Next Friday will be a Battle Royal - Sith Lords vs the Wizards of Hogwarts.
@BigAlbowski actually does collect yarn, but it goes deeper than that. He's descended from a clan (the Bowskis) that was old when The Illuminati were young. The Bowskis took the finest yarn and made the most exquisite macrame ever witnessed. @Nate in the box is descended from the Bowskis counterpart, the Boxinites, creators of shears and the nemesis of the Bowskis clan. As the Bowskis created works of greater complexity, the Boxinites created shears of greater cutting power. Creation at constant odds with destruction, they were locked in never-ending conflict of arts and crafts. Finally it was decided that hostilities needed to end. Nestled deep within the Celtic caves, the Bowskis elder created a work of macrame so thoroughly braided, so tightly woven, that it made the Gordian knot seem like a child's frayed shoelace. The leader of the Boxinites tore into that design with shears that snapped so loudly that thunder itself slunk away in dismay. And so it continues to this day, with neither gaining the upper hand. But if by chance you happen by their cave, you can still hear the soft whisper of the constant re-weaving and the harsh retort of the blades that will never admit defeat. (P.S.: I know what you're all thinking, and yes I do need a hobby)
Hanging out on here is as good a hobby as any! @Jim DiGriz was an esteemed pole vaulter in his youth. He was met with career-ending embarrassment at age 12 when he caught his shorts on the pole causing a wedgie from 10 feet high.
@RoxyGold has a degree in genetic engineering and is secretly working on a cow that can pasterize its own milk and make squeeze and serve yogurt a real option!
Big Albowski developed a realistic blonde Love Bot and became rich selling millions of units across the world. After a computer virus infected the Bots and overwrote the intimacy protocols with the BDSM protocols, he had to give up all his money to settle class action lawsuits. I guess BDSM Bots aren't for everyone.
@KikiLover is a World Class Skeet shooter but gave it up after the unfortunate incident at the Frisbee Golf championship... so many frisbees blown away that day.. oh the horror!!!
Big Albowski noticed that over the last few weeks there has been an increase in the number of users of this message board. He hired some scientists to find out why. Their study found that the number of message board users is directly proportional to the velocity of matter rotating around a specific Quasar located in the Milky Way galaxy. It is a surprising result, but it seems to prove that all things are connected.
It was only natural that @Lunch Buffett would notice the connection between a foreign star and users on the message board since he's a strong proponent of the butterfly effect. The butterfly effect says that small changes (such as the flap of a butterfly's wings) can have extraordinary effects (such as causing a hurricane). In fact, while Lunch was studying the planets around this star, he noticed that they behaved differently than other planets. Eventually he deduced that it was because of their iron core, which were much like Earth's. These planets (he called them Betas because he didn't know what else to call them) would do things that should've affected the planets around them, but didn't. He realized that planets' iron atoms were causing a phase shift, resulting in a butterfly effect between the multiverses! This had never been seen before, so he pushed his measuring instruments to their breaking point and saw the planets from the Gamma Universe literally switch places with his Betas. And when it was done, there was a set of planets that were new to the Milky Way. Lunch knew if he moved quickly he could become a famous scientist. So he stayed up three nights straight and wrote up his paper. And while the paper was brilliant, its title was ill-considered and caused other scientists to mock him. The title, of course, was: "Iron Butterfly - Enter Gamma, Gone Beta" (P.S.: I'm here all week - try the veal.)
Old country buffet gets it names because there doors are actually time machines that take you to some old country with food
Jessica Riley is the leader of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos whose sole mission is to use their interstellar transportation devices to invade Earth and turn it into her personal Pleasure dome. Will the Earth survive the chaos created by these sexy vixens?
Silly lie response: Lunch Buffett actually welcomes the Leather apocalypse - he's so tired of sharpening his claws on the cotton sofa. Funny response: Here's how I read his post - " Jessica Riley <something> Leather Goddesses <blah, blah> pleasure dome <dah, dah, dah> sexy vixens." Where's the part I'm supposed to fear?
@Jim DiGriz has bought out an entire theater for the opening night of Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker so he can watch it in peace and quiet!
Big Albowski had to uninstall the Sims games from his computer because he didn't like the vulgar language used by the Sims. Snarklefleb!
@Lunch Buffett also uninstalled the Sims from his computer, but for a different reason. His line of thought was "Hey! Those guys get all the virtual turkey they want this week, but I have to share my dark meat with Aunt Edna?!? Don't think so!"
Big Albowski's ship mechanic was kidnapped by the Guavian Death Gang. To repay his debts to the gang and recover his mechanic, he needs to win the Cosmic Classic ship race. I'm sure he'll succeed, after all he is the greatest pilot in the galaxy!
@Lunch Buffett is preparing twelve turkeys today... He will be alone but enjoys the months of frozen leftovers!
The twelve turkeys idea was taken from the blog "All Thanksgiving All the Time", which is cowritten by Kiki Lover and the Swedish Chef.
Big Albowski graciously volunteered to work in my store for Black Friday while I visit my parents. Minding the store is simple, so pay attention! Take their order, take their money. Customer is always right, take their money. When in doubt, take their money. And concerning my pet pitbull, Bitey, if he gets hungry feed him. Just don't wiggle your fingers at him, he'll think they're food. Important: Do NOT sell anything from the back room! It is either a weapon or dangerously destructive, or both. Probably both. So don't touch anything unless you plan on getting yourself vaporized.
@Lunch Buffett went into the back room after Big Al finished his shift and found a wooden crate marked "Top Secret - Army Intel", but inside there was only a large golden box. He opened it (after all, his dad said it was being studied by "top men"), but the only thing inside was a lot of sand. Good news: After a couple of seconds a beautiful spirit came out of the box that made Lunch weep with joy. Bad news: After a couple more seconds, the spirit changed into a ravaging specter of death that melted Lunch's face off. So if you see Lunch this holiday season, take it easy on him - he's had a rough day! (Note to moderators: This post was a movie reference joke. I don't wish for anyone to be accosted by spirits, specters, or even telemarketers.)
@Jim DiGriz wakes up each morning to Ozzy Osbourne screaming " ALL ABOARD " from Crazy Train.... How he gets Ozzy to call him everyday I'll never know!
Through a series of intense hypnotherapy sessions, @BigAlbowski trained Ozzy Osbourne to become a sleeper agent. Upon hearing the secret command word, Ozzy would follow a series of implanted commands with expert efficiency. To keep Ozzy from acting before Big Al wanted him to, he had to pick a word that Ozzy wouldn't ordinarily hear and "calamine" seemed as good as any. But Big Al didn't know that all the years in front of giant speakers had damaged Ozzy's hearing. So whenever he hears the command word it sounds like "call him". So . . . he calls me.
@Jim DiGriz has saved many endangered species by repopulating them on his own small island in the West Indies.
Roxy Gold invented an artificially intelligent condom vending machine. You can buy condoms and talk about the weather simultaneously. The machines tended to gossip too much, resulting in many broken relationships among condom buyers.
