Two sperm are swimming around inside a sexy woman late Friday night. The first one looks over and says "How long until we get to her ovaries and find that egg?" The second sperm replies "Probably gonna be a while, we're in her stomach."
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Her mom fainted.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Upon returning to their car from a shopping, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my fifteen-year-old sister said she missed two. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?" She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why not?" To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"
Man walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner. The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "Because you're ugly."
A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late. The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down. Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied, "Sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied, "No sir, I am Abbey Lane."
A blonde walks into the drug store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk: "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
Sex, when done right, is a lot of fun! And even when it's not done right it's at least as good as Netflix.
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm an Uber driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
Q: What do you call the new mint-flavored birth control pills women can take before sex? A: Pre-dick-a-mints.
One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road when he noticed, down an embankment, a man tied naked, face down to a large fallen tree. The hiker ran down to the man, and while removing his backpack asked, ''What happened to you?'' The tied up man began to tell him, ''I picked up a hitchhiker and a few miles down the road he held me up. He told me to pull over and took my car, my money, and all of my clothes. Then he tied me up to this tree.'' The hiker unzipped his fly and said, ''Boy, this just isn't your day, is it?''
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "One cent?! That's awesome!" exclaimed the guy. He glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?" "Certainly, sir. That'll be four cents," replies the bartender. "Four cents!?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business."
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Jake says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an unlimited Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jake, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Suzie?" "I wanna be Jake’s whore."
This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
HR Question If a supervisor at work gets Covid-19, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested? Asking for a friend.
One day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said "Say your ABCs first" The boy started saying "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z" The teacher asked at the end "Where is your P?" The boy answered "Running down my pants!!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted: "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!"
Q: What is the best medicine to help with sunburn? A: Viagra. It doesn't do anything for the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off of your legs
