There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. The day after Thanksgiving the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it. Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN. The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex. The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before. So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water. A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing?" The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem. Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
Top Two Benefits of having Alzheimer's: 1. You can wrap your own presents. 2. You are always meeting new friends.
Two elves walk into Santa's office. Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa. "Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop." Gary asks, "Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in our factory?" Santa checks a list then says, "I'm sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the factory." Gary looks at Larry and asks, "Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all?" Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, "I'm sorry Gary, but there aren't any elf nuns in the North Pole." Larry finally busts out laughing and says, "Gary fucked a penguin, Gary fucked a penguin!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey, Hey, Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Did you know I got kicked out of the local swimming pool for peeing in the pool? Yeah,the lifeguard yelled at me so loud I almost fell in!
A man was playing a game of golf. On hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy came down and said "thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that, I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter." "Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"
After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette. As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."
Q: Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve? A: Because all the DNA samples match each other and there aren't any dental records.
I was fucking my secretary up the ass when my wife walked in. She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The Mother Superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Johnny wakes up and hears screaming. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to do a damn thing to shift this beer belly.
A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four-letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman" The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt?" The Pope said,"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"
Little Suzie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Suzie waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Suzie, what is your multi-syllable word?" Suzie says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Suzie, that's a mouthful." Suzie replies, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
One dog says to the other, “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” The other says, “okay! Knock knock” They both bark frantically at the front door.
A blond at a party was telling her friend that she had sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator" "So, what will you do when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "I'll just fake an orgasm like always!"
Q: What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A: A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
A naked lady walks into a bar carrying a poodle in one hand and a three foot salami in the other... Bartender says "well I guess you won't be needing a drink"... Naked lady says "I got these for my husband" Bartender says "GOOD TRADE !" Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Heard a DR. on TV today saying in this time of Coronovirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find those things I had started but hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, the remainder of Valiumum scriptuns,an a box of chocoletz. Yu haf no idr how fecking fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. And tellum them u lovum. And to hash yur wands. stafe day avrybobb
Why didn't the comedian use the toilet paper in the bathroom stall? Because he was already on a roll.
