Heard this at my side gig, which is now my main gig, told by a manager who isn’t there anymore. Two of my bosses from the store I work at, Kal and Bill (who’s not there anymore), were out ice fishing, or trying to anyway. Kal gets out the auger and starts trying to drill a hole in the ice. In the distance, a voice is heard shouting, “There are no fish under that ice!” Bill says, ”Kal, maybe we should find another spot.” Kal instead turns up the auger, still trying to drill through. Again, the voice shouts, “There are no fish under that ice!” Kal again turns up the auger. Bill tries to tell Kal about the voice, but Kal can’t hear. Kal then shuts off the auger, and heats the voice. “Hey!” Kal looks up. “Lord, is that you?” The voice shouts, “No! I’m the owner of that ice skating rink you’re on! I’m trying to tell you there are no fish under that ice!”
A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they’ve ever played Russian roulette. “We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob.” “What’s the danger in that?” “One of them is a cannibal.”
Three men went Las Vegas and after a long night of losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters. So the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast. the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" He responds by yelling, "It's over here in the pussy willows". The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem, but she gave him 'Head & Shoulders' and it cleared up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. 2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. 3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor. 4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. 5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. 6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. 7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. 8. What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me! 9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. 10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them. 11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. 12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss. 13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face. 14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. 15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts. 16. What’s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes. 17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. 18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. 19. Why do vegetarians give good head? Beause they’re used to eating nuts. 20. What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine. 21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck. 22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. 23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore. 24. Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. 25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. 26. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there! 27. What do a woman and a bar have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back. 28. What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in. 29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. 30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot! 31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it. 32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus. 33. How is life like a penis? Your girlfriend makes it hard. 34. Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan, really. 35. What do you call a guy with a small dick? Just-in! 36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick? Phil! 37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. 38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float. 39. Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed up by a period. 40. How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner. 41. What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them. 42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off. 43. What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out. 44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids. 45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings. 46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. 47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty. 48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. 49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw. 50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they did so. St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the nun, "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds, "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!" All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have." ''Anything?'' he says, getting fairly excited. ''Yes, anything.'' she replies. So he says, ''Will you hold the donkey!?''
A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat." They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round. The ostrich walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whiskey for the cat." He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them "Fuck off!" So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whiskey for the cat." The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round, but the cat hasn't. Why is this?". The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish." "What did you wish for?" asked the Barman. "I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks say they are.
A polish construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
Swine Flu The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud...
Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite. "He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!" The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea. So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him. "I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month." The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away. The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne. So she asks, "What's going on, dear?" "We're celebrating!" he replies. "Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks. "Anal sex week!"
So I finally landed a job as a Walmart greeter. About two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children yelling obscenities at them the whole way. Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?" Agitated, the women sharply fires back, "Hell no, they ain't twins. This here one is 7, and this other one is 10. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, stupid, or both?" To which I replied, "Ma'am, I am neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that someone slept with you twice."
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass." The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
The young gentleman took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
A city girl was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good ol' boys sitting on the stoop of a mobile home where she could get some gas. "Well," said one, "the fillin' station ain't open 'till tomorrie, but I reckon you kin stay the night with me & Billy-Bob here." She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy-Bob & Billy-Ray slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings. Pulling out two condoms, she said, "You nice boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on." They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and our girl went back to the city. Three months later, Billy-Bob and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewin' on some RedMan. "D'ya remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?" asked Billy-Ray. "Ah sure do," said Billy-Bob, with a smirk. "D'ya really care if she gets pregnant?" "Nah," said Billy-Bob. "Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!"
