Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" Asked the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
     
  2. So many people call their dog Rover or Boy.
    I call mine Sex.
    He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
    When I went to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.
    He said, "I'd like one, too."
    Then I said, "But this is for a dog."
    He said he didn't care what she looked like.
    Then I said, "You don't understand.
    I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
    He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
    I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
    He said, "You don't need a special room.
    As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."
    I said "Look, you don't seem to understand.
    Sex keeps me awake at night."
    The clerk said, "Funny I have the same problem."
    One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away.
    Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed.
    I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
    He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
    "But you don't understand" I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
    He said "Now that digital TV is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
    I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
    The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional.
    Stick to the case, please."
    Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
    He said "That's not unusual.
    It happens to a lot of people."
    Last night, Sex ran off again.
    I spent hours looking for him.
    A policeman came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
    I told him that I was looking for Sex.
    My case comes up Friday.
     
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  3. Spent $15 on a "Penis Enlarger". Bastards sent me magnifying glass.
     
  4. A man does go the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a problem."
    The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
    The man says, "Every morning, I take a shit at 8am."
    The doctor says, "That's great! Why is it a problem?"
    The man says, "I wake up at 9am."
     
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  5. why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?? Because the pee is silent :cool:
     
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  6. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve?

    A: Because all the DNA samples match each other and there aren't any dental records.
     
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  7. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
     
  8. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    You Might Be A Redneck 44



    You might be a redneck if...

    • Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
    • The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
    • Your mom calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
    • The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
    • You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
    • You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
    • You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
    • Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
    • You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
     
  9. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

    A: If she farts, her ankles will swell.
     
  10. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut?

    A: Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!
     
  11. cumishaamado
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    cumishaamado Love Virgins, Couples & Girlfriend Experience

    What do you call an Italian prostitute?[smilie=heart fill with love.gif][smilie=heart fill with love.gif][smilie=heart fill with love.gif]

    A Pasta-Tute
     
  12. cumishaamado
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    cumishaamado Love Virgins, Couples & Girlfriend Experience

    What's long and hard and full of Seaman?

    Submarine
     
  13. cumishaamado
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    cumishaamado Love Virgins, Couples & Girlfriend Experience

    What are the 3 Rings of Life?

    Engagement Ring
    Wedding Ring
    Suffering
     
  14. What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
    Snow balls
    …………………..…………………………………………………………………….
     
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  15. Old Nick
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    Old Nick Well-Known Member

    Q: What did the penis say to the condom?

    A: “Cover me! I’m going in!”
     
  16. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Upon returning to their car from a shopping, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
     
  17. MASTURBATION BEFORE SEX :

    The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
     
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  18. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
    A: My bosses tie
     
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  19. What's the difference between the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper??

    Nothing, they both orbit Uranus wiping out Klingons.....:eek:
     
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  20. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately it distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    So one of the ladies approached the organist and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

    The following Sunday morning the priest walked up to the pulpit and said..."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
     
  21. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy is in the grocery store when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He’s taken aback and can’t place her. “Do I know you?” he asks. “I think you’re the father of one of my kids,” she says. He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. “Wow,” he says. “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who tied me down on the pool table, and did it with me, with all my buddies cheering, while your friend sprayed whipped cream on my butt? Boy, that was insane.” “No,” she says. “I think I’m your son’s math teacher.”
     
  22. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Bedside Confessions



    Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

    Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."

    Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
     
  23. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive. "Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"
     
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  24. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex…



    Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?
     
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  25. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?

    A: It was pissed off!
     
  26. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation. Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.
    The man is intrigued. She is nice enough by herself, but her daughter must be amazing. He agrees and they go back to her place. They enter the house and go upstairs. The lady knocks on a bedroom door and gently whispers:
    "Mom, are you awake?"
     
  27. It's old, but good... Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.
     
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  28. jokeB.jpg
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  29. What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

    A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

    A friend told me this joke.. I was a bit offended but it’s still kind of funny haha!
     
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  30. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment. God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.
    An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies, "Don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in." They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry, they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo."
    The woman yells, "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"
    "But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.
    Says the woman, "I already have holes for that!"
     
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  31. Mercedes
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    Mercedes Bunny Babe, free spirit

    How do you tell a boy ant from a girl ant?
    Put them in water and the boy and will float!
     
  32. MaliaMay
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    MaliaMay Now at SAGEBRUSH!

    A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
     
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  33. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    My girlfriend used Vaseline on a hand job today.

    I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
     
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  34. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?" He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"
     
  35. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
    It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
     
    BigDaddy76 likes this.

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