I've been MIA from the boards because I was hurting and embarrassed. I was dealing with a lot and wasn't sure if or when I would come back. Then I saw on the news that Suicide is on the rise. If you know me you know I shoot from the hip and I'm open with you so here is my story. A lot of you know I had a Stroke in December but what you don't know is before that I lost my job of almost 20 years. It was cruel and after I finished a big project. I bounced around through a temp agency but nothing came close to what I made. I developed Anxiety and Insomnia. One day I went to the mailbox and found someone's paperwork from a counseling service at the end of my driveway. It was near my house so I took it there. This young attractive lady came out and thanked me. I told her I had been dealing with some Anxiety and Insomnia and she gave me her card. A few months went by and I had a cancer scare, then I had the stroke, I was in pain everyday and they found a hole and anyurism in my heart. Devasted I came to the ranch to see everyone. The next morning my doctor called with bad news and I got worse news in the afternoon. I broke down like a baby. I had lost EVERYTHING! At that moment I wanted to die! I was giving up! I started thinking about Suicide! I was in pain all the time and my heart was inoperable which gave me a 90 percent chance of another stroke. Would I survive or would I be a vegetable. I had lost my job and I lost someone I think the world of! I went to the airport I sat down took out my phone and found the counseling service and left a message. I got to my gate. Across from me a mom and her kids were talking to her husband. Apparently he worked in Reno but they lived somewhere else. He was crying and telling his son to be strong. He hated that they had to leave but daddy has to work here. They will be together really soon. I started getting choked up. Then I noticed a guy beside me wiping a tear. I landed in Vegas and the therapist I met called me. We talked in the airport and set up an appointment the next day. I've been going to counseling since January and it was the hardest and best thing I ever did! We talked and talked and talked. I learned so much about myself and that I had been dealing with loss and grief that I had never delt with. It's Holistic so no meds that mask the pain or cause sexual dysfunction. We use cognitive behaviour therapy. When you are having Anxiety or an overthinker, like me, you learn technics to rewire your thinking. It's really cool and really easy and a lot of fun. See for years the ranch went from being fun to my form a therapy. It was the place that I was running to escape my pain and problems. It helps but when I got home the problems were still there. My favorite lady had became my therapist. Instead of treating her like a friend I get to party with I would dump my problems on her. I see that now and for that I'm sorry Randy! Anyway one night I prayed harder than I ever did and asked God Why did this happen? I told him I'm angry I had everything. To you believers out there I humbled myself to God like I am to you. 3 weeks ago the job I lost called me back to work. I start next week. I make more than I ever did with less responsibility and stress! Prayer Works! See when I broke down it was a breakthrough! The set backs I had were setups to get me to a better place physically emotionally and financially. There is a Stigma about being a Man! There is a Stigma about going to the Ranches! There is a Stigma about going to Therapy! See people say Real Men don't cry. That's bullshit! My dad never cried you want to know how I know! I only seen him a few times in my life. A real man is a provider, a listener,a talker, a friend, a husband, a brother, a father. A real man can admit when he needs help. You see I had to be all those things to my mom and brother when my dad walked out on us. Do I cry yes and I've been a real man since I was 13 years old! There is a Stigma about going to the Ranches! Real men don't pay for Sex! That's Bullshit! I dated someone who had expensive taste! Trust me I paid for sex all the time, I just rarely got it! It takes a Real man to decide if I'm going to pay for sex, I'm going to do it in a safe and legal way, with some of the Hottest Women in the world, at the Bunny Ranch or its other Houses! Look at Robert Kraft. One of the richest men in the world who is the Boss of some of the toughest men in the world but he didn't have the balls to come to a legal brothel, but little Tony Dark did and will be returning for my Bday! Then there is the Stigma about Therapy! As hard as it is to come to the ranches, why is it so much harder for men to go to therapy? You can come to the ranch to see a professional but you can't be seen going to get help for depression from someone who is a trained professional? Going to your local small town Therapy is like coming to the ranch for the first time. Oh I hope no one I know sees me!lol It is almost the same thing and the same stigma! People come to the ranch to have fun but some people come to get help, Losing there Virginty, or getting back out there after awhile, or maybe you have a disability. The Ranches have a place for those people who choose to party in a safe legal fun way. Therapy is the same way. You may be hurting and depressed and need to talk to someone. It's confidential it's safe and it can be fun and trust me it helps! I'm in a better place in my life because I'm enjoying and appreciating my life. Yes I still have the heart issues and pain but if I would have killed myself I would have never got my job back or the second chance to enjoy what time I have! Well I hope this helps anyone who might be depressed or embarrassed to ask for help or God forbid thinking about suicide. Take a deep breathe look up your local counseling service. Give them a call. We all go through moments of loss and grief and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve because we all deal with things differently. For those of you who are lost and a feel like Suicide is the only way out call this number. 1-800-273-8255 It's the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. When your down, talk to your friends, talk to a pastor, someone you trust! If your friends seem like they need help call the hotline to get some advice to help them. Sometimes people just need a shoulder or just someone to talk to. To All of my Ranch Family from Randy to Pantera to Chanel to Stacy to Willow to Jenny to Bobbi to Tiara to Entice to Airforce to Harley to Ava to Nina and all the ladies I see and party with and hug and talk to at Bunny Ranch to the Staff from,The Drivers, Housekeeping ,Bartenders, and my loving Cashiers who were there for me especially Boobs McGee, to the Staff and ladies at the other Houses like Chloe, Juniper, Desert ,and Bailey and to my board Member Brothers like John in GA, Raz, Bama, Broad, Thunderstorm, Big Al, Hector, Everyone and Especially my big brother GLiP who has been there for me a lot and last but not least Suzette who gave me a second home and a thoughtful email. I Love You all and Thank You for anything you have ever done for me! From the Heart Tony Dark
Well Mr Tony Dark, you have enlightened us again!! Thank you SO MUCH!! I cannot begin to relate my love and and respect for you as it is as immense as all the stars in the sky! Thank you for sharing your private details for the benefit of others. Stigmas just show the ignorance of the people passing judgement. It's very much a crying shame that people of this day and age attach stigmas, but I guess it just a way for people to be self centered and project their own inadequacy. You are an AMAZING person Tony Dark. I'm so grateful that divine intervention stepped in at the end of your driveway that day and I'm super grateful that you recognized the guidance and the blessing. Thank you for your sage and life saving advice Tony!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, your ranch family. We are all here to offer an ear. Glad things started to look up for you. Life is like a rollercoaster sometimes and you have to try your best to enjoy the ride- even the scary parts. XoXo, Abby
Good for you, Tony. I'm thrilled that things are turning around for you. There's a lot that I could share from my life experiences, but suffice it to say that I was fortunate to have a father who was everything for me that you had hoped for from yours. Yes, he did cry occasionally and taught me that a real man did share feelings. Even in his last year and a half on earth, he was smart enough to seek counseling for issues that he was dealing with relative to his declining health. I still remember the group session that the therapist called with all of my siblings and my mother involved. It was a chance to air out a lot of things on all sides, and all of the family benefited from that. We're all unique with our own stories and issues, and it's nice to know that the "ranch family" is there when you / me / we need them. Best of luck in the future!
Awww Amy you know that means the world to me. You and I have always been close. I love my Air force Amy hugs. Yes I feel the Boobs pressed up against me, but your embrass is always tught and filled with Love. I still say you would have been my first bunny when I saw the first Cathouse show up until Dennis said if you're going to party with Air force Amy you better bring your A game!lol I had no game then. Lol So I chickened Out! Knowing you now I know you would have taken care of me! One of the most fond memories I have of you is me and Stacy Tyler were sitting on the porch talking on a warm afternoon and you pulled up and joined us. You us cracking up and just made me fell so cared about! If I helped one person it was worth it. If I can come to the ranch and do some wild stuff and write it in a review than opening up about my own self doubt depression and hurt to help someone should easy. Yes there is a huge Stigma about the ranches and a huge Stigma about going to Therapy! Try being a Ministers son who is a born again Christian. Then tell her you go to the Bunny Ranch, Then tell her you are going to Therapy. That was a fun conversation but I wanted her to hear it from me. You know Dennis thought the world of my mom and she thought th evvworld of him and she thinks won the world of you ladies! See religions sometimes want to faith things out of you, but they forget we are flesh and blood and God gave us free will. They can be the most judgmental groups on the earth where ironically when Jesus said judge not less ye be judged let he who is without sin cast the first son was when he was defending the prostitute Mary Magdalene! Sorry I know the path I don't always walk it! I do believe God intervened and I found that person's paperwork months before I went. That was like September. My therapist always brings it up. She said most people would have ignored it. What are the chances of this happening. Thank So much Amy save me an Amy hug!
Thank You Abby life is hard and sometimes it's hard to ask for help when asking for help is only hard for us because most people will help you when you ask for it. It was hard coming to the ranch because I was worried what people would say and I've met some of the greatest people in the world and had experiences I never dreamed would happen. Going to Therapy was just as hard because it was admitting to myself that I needed to talk to someone. It wasn't about what others thought it was more about me looking in the mirror. It's hard to do but once you do it. Its like the ranch no judgments and a safe place.
Thanks Road Runner and for sharing your story. We are dealing with that because of my health. It's hard and emotional but fun when you remember something you forgot about. Things are turning around but my health is still detiorating but I'm not dealing with it alone and I am just enjoying life. Plus the weather is changing! I am excited about a lot!
Awww Asia I'm not brave, I just care about people. If I can open up to someone so they come party at the ranch then I can open up to someone who is hurting and feels like the have no reason to live. I can say hey I've been there. I lost everything and wanted to give up but if I had I would have missed out on more than I ever had. Its ok to say I can't deal with this alone. The hardest part is the first step. It was the best thing I could have done and when I did it my life turned around.
Whether you realize it or not what you have said here may be enough motivation to help someone that wasn’t as strong as you and couldn’t share or talk about it to step up and get some help you never know who’s heart your touching and for that I applaud you!
Hey Tony, I go to group therapy at the VA every week, once a week. I love it! The military comrade and kinship is unmatched anywhere else in my life. I immediately feel at ease and loved and respected every time I walk into that place. I love what I learn and I am so grateful to get free advice and understanding any time I want. They are very ahead of the curve when it comes to understanding the human brain. They also understand a unique set of trials the soldier faces. Fact based group setting learning and cognitive behavioral therapy with practical application is key too. Practical application is THE key. I also had another therapist that I can share "brothel life" intricacies. There are things that I will share with her, that I won't even share in my 12 step programs and definitely not in a group setting. And then I also have a best dear friend of many years that is going to nursing school and it's my turn and my pleasure to listen to her trials and concerns and be able to offer sage advice when I think it will ease her concerns. She is also my biggest fan of everything I do. I'm her biggest fan and cheerleader too. I find my DNA family to be more trouble than what it's worth. I'm glad to have reconnected with them, but many of their values conflict with mine so I don't rely on their support. I have not led a very practical or conventional life. I am very grateful in the sense that I have experienced more than most even though it has not always been a bed of roses. My experiences of rising from the ashes inevitably helps me appreciate the more simple things and also be available to others on a similar path. Have I had my moments, weeks and even months of "throwing in the towel". Yes. Do I think I would be alive to tell the tale without all the help from professionals and friends and programs that I have utilized? Not so much. Keep on keeping on Tony. Depression is a beast. A beast that can be tamed. You can do it Tony. Do not forget your sense of humor. You have a delightful sense of humor and you are such a brilliant and extremely intelligent person. Keep an open mind and take the advice of professionals and everything will be ok, and even better than you could have ever imagined. I promise. I'll be saving tons and tons of "Amy" hugs for you and keep you in my prayers too!
Thank you for sharing your story, @Tony Dark! In the midst of all the craziness it is very easy to feel like you are drowning in madness. I am happy to hear you were able to find a good therapist who was able to help shed some light in the darkness for you. Finding a good and positive support system that just clicks for you is a miraculous experience!
Awww Asia that is encouraging! I hope I did but it also helped me talk to my Ranch Family! I was nervous about opening up to you all about it but it has helped me so much I thought it might help someone else. Thank You for your words I don't need your applause your friendship and thoughtfulness is enough.
Amy you are so strong it takes courage for you to share your story! One of the reasons I wanted to share my story was because we all go through stuff. No matter how successful we are or aren't we all go through stuff and sometimes need to talk to someone. It's not easy to put yourself out there or to seek help but I'm glad I did. Awww my sense of humor is what gets me through a lot. I love laughing with you! Therapy is fun it's not all sad. We laugh and joke about everything! It helps a lot! I can't wait for my Amy hugs in May! Keep me in your prayers and know you are in mine!
Thanks Fozzie one of the cool things is when the puzzle comes together and you see why you act a certain way and then figuring out how to change your thinking. She is really cool and I'm Thankful to gave nnet her the way i did when I did!
Hi, Tony, thanks for this great post and for sharing more of your story with us - I've been wondering how you were, and I'm so glad things are looking up for you! It's really great advice. Asking for help is hard for us guys (ask any woman who's been with a man who won't stop and ask for directions, lol), but it's necessary. Sounds like good things are coming out of the hard times. I know some of the hardest times in my life have resulted in the most lasting changes for the better. Really good to see the support here for you from the Ranch community. Wishing you the best as life moves forward. Cheers, BH
This was a great post, Amy. Thanks for sharing some of your story. Thanks for the support you've provided for all your clients over the years. Best wishes for continued growth, peace, and success. BH
Thanks Broad I'm Blessed what's the saying you can't have a Testimony without a Test! The funny thing is I feel stronger now than I was before! I also have had conversations at home with people that I know who are dealing with grief and relationship stuff who are seeking therapy or just started. Then the temp agency called me about a job. Thankfully I don't gave to do that anymore. Later that night I saw a friend whose best friend was fired after 20 years. He said he has been depressed and is really upset. I gave him the temp agency info. He wrote it down. Things happen for a reason. My heart went out to a stranger because I know what that feels like and maybe I worked at that temp agency long enough to be able to pass the information to that guy to help him. The reality is I couldn't have done any of this if I didnt write this post or get the support from all of you. Thanks Broad!
It takes a lot of courage to be so raw and open, especially about personal things that cut deep and there has been so much conditioning to avoid talking about, or even thinking about. You’re a champ, @Tony Dark! Much love.
Thank You Roxy it was hard to talk about but I felt like my story could help others it also helped me to talk about it.
Hi Mr. Tony Dark, I'm currently having a fundraiser for my birthday on my Facebook page. The proceeds are going to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. I'm a retired first responder. So far I have raised $286 and my goal is $300. My birthday is on Saturday April 6th. I'm doing the fundraiser to help first responders and military families because the suicide rates for these groups are on the rise.
Thanks for sharing your story Tony!! I know it was difficult for you to write and explain! Glad to hear you are on the road to recovery! If you need anything, just ask!! I remember our long talks or "catch up" talks when we crossed paths at the ranch!! Godspeed...my friend!!
While reading your OP, @TonyDark , I thought "Life Sucks But Then There Are The Ranches." It seemed so lightweight in light of what you've shared but there is a truth to it in that you came here to the Bunny Board, trusting that you'd be fully heard, supported and not judged. Despite what the detractors claim, there's much, much more to our community. Godspeed. RS
I'm glad to report that I have raised the final $14.00 to my Facebook birthday fundraiser. There will be a lot of happy families now.
Thanks John I'm sure we will run into each other sometime this year. Thank You for reaching out I remember our talks. Thanks Brother!
Thanks Running Squirrel that would make a cool tshirt. The Ranches mean so many things to different people! But to some of us we know it is more than just sex. I opened up to people here on the boards because I knew yiu cared! You wouldn't judge me but reach out and listen. We go through things in life because You can't have a Testimony without a Test! A lot of us who come to the ranches are hurting or don't feel cared about. Granted Suicide uis an extreme case it's one thing to have a Suicidal thought it's another thing to have a plan. I didn't have a plan and my religious beliefs prevented me from doing it but I knew I needed to talk to someone. When I got better and saw the news how people who had survived the school shootings were starting to kill themselves I thought I know what its like to be hurting and want to give up. If I had I wouldn't be where I am now better than I was before I lost my job. If I could share my story of loss and abundant restoration then it might help encourage someone else. The Boards have given me a platform to share my story and encouragement from members like you will continue to give me the courage to help others. Thanks
Ah my friend and brother. I am so proud of your fight and strength to share your story with others. You are an inspiration to me and so many others. Sorry i can't "surprise" you on your birthday this year due to business travel out of the country, but we'll more than make up for it in the Bahamas next January. Stay strong my friend!!!!
Hello Tony, I had been wondering how you were doing and then I came upon this post. All I can say is wow. It took a lot of courage to challenge and address those subjects and you managed to accomplish it so eloquently. I’m really impressed with how you presented it and with how you’ve dealt with it. There is something for everyone to learn from your experiences and I don’t believe you will ever know how much you’ve helped others who are lucky enough to read it. It’s also wonderful to learn that things are now going much better for you and I also know they will continue to do so because of your inspirational spirit and your outlook. As you know, this Board and the Ranches are a wonderful place to be. If anyone is ever down or in need, all they have to do is reach out and they will find it in any number of ways. I’m wishing all the best for you as your life moves forward and I know you find yourself in good hands. Take care my friend and thank you for the update, a fellow Tony
Thanks Brother it's a Journey and I've grown so much and my Ranch Family has helped me grow and fight. Awww man I wish you could make it. You made the bday trip even better. We are going to have fun! I'm so Excited about the Bahamas with my Brothers!
OG Tony, you made me feel like I can conquer any challenge! I've had so many people reach out to me with encouragement and their own stories. When I wrote this it was never about me. I wanted it to help others. It has really has opened up a conversation and helped me more than you can know. Thank You for such inspirational words. Your Fellow Tony
So I wanted to share this with you. This morning on the news I saw this How Wild is this! When I posted this thread I was a little nervous but then after hearing from my ranch family the nerves went away Seeing this on Today this morning tells me it was something I was suppose to do. It's moments like these that truly shows that when we are going through something we are truly not the only one in the world that has these moments but we don't have to deal with them alone.
