The genesis of this trip started a mere 3 hours after arriving home from "The Saint Pats Party". MR60% and I had just survived a drive across a frozen wasteland that my GPS kept insisting was Interstate 80 ( I still have my doubts). As we sat in my truck, enjoying the fact that we no longer had to worry about killing and eating one another for sustenance in the event of a breakdown at the summit, we started talking about the weekend , and how it had just gone by way too fast....(for a complete rundown of said weekend please refer to the review..."I did it all for love..Kimberly Love"...I'm pretty sure everyone has read it, as it has become a part of brothel legend... I only mention it for those folks who may be just getting released from prison or perhaps waking from a prolonged coma) These trips usually do seem to fly by, but this one in particular went by really fast, mainly because we had met two wonderful women that we had made an immediate connection with. MR60% was head over heels for his "Mocha Queen" Malika and for the better part of two days I was a permanent fixture at Kimberly Love's side. In fact our close proximity to one another left several curious onlookers to wonder if we were in fact some sort of rare Siamese twins...one short and bald...the other incredibly attractive. Mr60 had just uttered the words "Man I wish we could go back next month", when I was struck by a moment of clarity..."um there's no law that says we can't" I replied. From those 8 little words a plan was forged. I would drive up by myself on Friday April 13th, Mr60 would follow me up on Saturday. Not because he is a superstitious pussy, but because he had to work. I decided to message Kimberly and let her know of our impending journey. For those of you who have met me I'm sure you can understand her unabashed excitement. Coincidentally, the weekend of our trip, coincided with Kimberly, Ruby Rae and Katrina Marie's one year anniversary party. Which kinda upped the excitement factor a couple notches. Kimberly even offered to let me stay in the guest room the night of our party. This was not something she had to do and honestly, I really appreciated it. Now as anyone who has ever read any of my reviews knows, our trips to the ranch have one common theme, WEATHER....none of it good. Fortunately, or so I assumed, this trip would be taking place in the middle of April. I asked myself, "self?...seriously,...it's April, the weather has been great, besides what are the odds that two huge storms could hit in consecutive months on the exact weekends we are planning to drive up a mountain?"...the answer...the odds are better then you would think. I checked Accuweather.com ( which much to my dismay turned out to be a very accurate weather prognosticator) which stated that two storms would hit that week. One on Wednesday and an even bigger one on the Friday on which I would be driving up....alone. Oh and to answer your question, No...the fact that I would be doing this again on Friday the 13th was not lost on me. The Thursday night before my trip was very tense and restless. Honestly, I didn't sleep at all. Turns out excitement co-mingling with dread does not make for a night of healthy REM sleep. Lying awake at 530am I decided to end the torture and just get it over with. I threw my chains in the back of my truck, made the sign of the cross (which may seem a strange gesture considering where I was headed, until you factor in that most historians agree that Jesus Christ was also romantically linked to a prostitute. Even so, it still provided little piece of mind.) Unlike my last trip where there was a good deal of uncertainty regarding just how bad the weather would be, this time there would be no illusions. I knew I was driving into a frozen hell. Now, for those of you who feel I may be overreacting, all I can say to you is "go screw yourselves...I was scared alright..you weren't there....don't judge me!". So I get to Gold Run, pull up to chain control, where I am greeted quite warmly by a very burly and bearded Cal-Trans employee. Knowing the drill I directed him to the back of my truck and he began installing my chains. I could hear him struggling as he attempted to get my chains on, he got up, muttering under his breath and returned to my window. He then asked me if I happened to have a bungee cord. Seems he was having trouble getting my chains tight enough. Face ghost white and mouth agape but unable to speak, I pointed under my back seat where two bungee cords miraculously rested. He tied the cord in a lovely figure eight, returned to my window telling me "that will be $30.00". I gave him 40.00, hoping that a 10.00 tip would be enough to ease my Karma meter into the black. Needing to ask the question but not really wanting the answer, I leaned out my window and as calmly and conversationally as possible asked " so how long will I need chains? Really how bad is it up there?"..." Oh you'll need em for about 35 miles, it's pretty hairy up there. I'd hate to be goin up there today. Well have a pleasant journey!" I searched my mind for an appropriate response. Never being someone who assumes a person is showing genuine compassion instead of sarcasm, I quickly settled on "Fuck you dickhole!" and started to drive away. Only when I felt my Karma meter dip into the red did I apply my brakes, roll down my window and yell " God Bless!!". He gave me one last bewildered look and with his meaty, mittened paw he waved me up the mountain. For the better part of 20 miles I was actually crusin along at a pretty good clip. Things were going smooth and my confidence was high that I would reach Kimberly Love in one piece. But deep in my heart I knew this feeling of safety couldn't last. As I drove along at a pedestrian 20 mph, a red light, that left little to the imagination began to flash on my console. The flashing icon was in the shape of a truck that looked very similar to mine...it appeared to be skidding. For a moment I thought well this little light must be mistaken...doesn't it know I'm in complete control? But you really gotta hand it to those computers boy, cause not half a second later, I was gliding across the road with all the control and grace of a mentally handicapped figure skater. As I slid across the ice my mind harkened back to the 10th grade and my Drivers Ed teacher Mr. Vincent. Surely he had imparted some words of wisdom for a situation such as this? Was it " in wet and snowy conditions always slam on your brakes?" Or perhaps "Never turn into a skid?". For the life of me I couldn't remember. I was sure if he could see me in my current predicament he would wholeheartedly regret ever giving me a B+. All I could really do at this point was take Carrie Underwood's advice and let Jesus take the Wheel. Well lucky for me God must have a class C drivers license, cause the light went off, the truck straightened out and not a mile up ahead my salvation turned onto the road in the form of a snow plow. I ducked in behind him as he moved ahead at a leisurely 10mph. Oblivious to the passing motorists who blared their horns at me as they drove by, I quietly repeated my mantra of "it's not a speedway...they can go around me." The signs for Truckee and the end of my nightmare appeared ahead . The snow plow pulled off to the side of the road and as I started to pass him, I thought "you should really let this guy know how much you appreciated his help.". So as he emerged from his vehicle, I rolled down my window and yelled " Hey thanks for the help...I love you buddy!!" I have to admit that his reply of " go back to California QueerFuck!!" left me somewhat confused. I can only assume he was talking to someone else. Now you probably won't believe this but the moment I took my chains off and was again driving my badass truck (it's really nice...ask Katrina) at a manly 70mph, I got a text from Kimberly, asking if I was ok. She knew the roads were bad and she was concerned. All I could think of as I typed my reply was, " wow..I hope I don't get a ticket for this....and damn what a sweetheart she is. I informed Kim that I was fine and would be arriving for the party at 5pm. I got to the Gold Dust ( a beautiful establishment by the way) jumped in the shower (to wash off the stench of fear ), changed my clothes and headed to the Love Ranch. The lovely Janet greeted me at the door and escorted me over to Kim who was sitting around chatting with Ruby, Katrina and Crock. Everyone kept asking how the drive went. Never one to overplay my emotional hand, I simply replied, "piece of cake.....have you not seen my truck?". I have to say, it was great seeing everyone, from Nikki to Malika, Ruby and Katrina, but honestly this love struck Dbag only had eyes for Kimberly Love. I informed Kimberly that I had actually gotten her a gift and while I had intended for her to open it on the night of our party, she insisted on opening it right then and there in the middle of the parlor. As some of you may know, Kim's favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast, so I had gotten her a framed lithograph from the movie. I know , I know...pretty awesome right? Only problem is that its pretty hard for a guy.....any guy... to look remotely manly carrying a present covered in Disney princess wrapping paper through a brothel. Even Mike Tyson would have felt like a gigantic pussy. Anyway, she unwrapped it in front of everyone, said she loved it , my face went beet red from embarrassment....Enough of that...lets move on shall we? So the anniversary party went great, everyone had a great time and even Dennis and Suzette made an appearance. Kimberly and I hung out all night, making each other laugh, ordering in some food from the Gold Dust and just having a great time until well past 3 am. At that point I realized I needed to get back to my hotel and get some rest. I had my party with Kimberly the next night to think about and didn't want any kind of performance issues....if ya know what I mean? I'm sure none of you do, probably only happens to me right? So the next night was great as well, MR60% finally showed up, although I didn't see much of him since he disappeared with Malika about 5 minutes after walking in the door (nice hangin out with you too buddy). Again Kim, just let me take my time, she didn't rush us into the back, or make me feel pressured in any way. She really is just a naturally sweet person who understands what each individual wants out of the experience. Of course eventually I had to go in the back or else Diane was gonna start charging me rent. So around midnight or so Kim and I made our way back to her room. As was the case last time the negotiation was over in 10 seconds. Truth is I'm a really good negotiator...got a great deal on my badass truck too. As is customary in these reviews the actual sexual encounter must be kind of glossed over but just for full disclosures sake, let me say that the second time with Kimberly was even better then the first. Even taking out the sexual aspect, she was just so much fun to hang out with. Truly one of the funniest and nicest people your ever gonna meet. I would also be remiss If I didn't send out a special thank you to Dominick the Bartender. This guy is seriously the best bartender I have ever met. My hand always had a drink in it, he was polite and professional...for gods sake the man made mimosas, macaroons and chicken and waffles for everyone on Sunday morning!! What a guy...plus anyone who appreciates my fashion sense will always get a mention. So in conclusion I must say that I have learned two very important things....The first being that even if it were August, in the middle of a drought, with a solar flare 5 minutes from engulfing the planet , turning the earth into an uninhabitable fiery ball of hell...If I happen to be driving on I80 at that time, I guarantee you, it's gonna be covered in snow and ice. The second thing I learned is that I am a Kimberly Love-aholic...seriously, if you ever get a chance to spend some time with this girl you need to take advantage. She is the best in every way imaginable. Once again, thanks to Kim, Nikki, Malika, Ruby, Katrina, Gillian, Janet, Dominick and Diane(I'm sure I'm forgetting people). All of you guys helped make this a great trip...see you next month P.S. Peppermill Security is a joke...I think Mr60% would agree on this last point...oh and we really missed the chicken wings this trip.
Wow! I realize I was there for this fantastic experience yet somehow I was completely captivated. I kept asking myself, "what the heck will happen next?" And while I know this is a review about the wonderfully funny kimberly love, I can't help but wonder lets talk more about mr60%. he's really goodlooking! Of course I jest. Although I was sitting at the bar talking with the faboulous Malika almost the whole time, when I did look over to check on joltnjoey he looked like a kid in a candy store. In the few times I have been able to get Joey away from kimberly I would have to concur with this review, Kimberly is fantastic. People, this woman is freaking hilarious! Had me constantly rolling! That is until Joey would make it back and give me the stink eye. So guys and gals I beg you, no I implore each and everyone one of you on the message boards if you are near the Carson City area don't walk run to the Love Ranch North and spend your money on Ms. Kimberly Love and on Ms. Malika Elizabeth (her review is a work in progress). You will not regret it. In fact you are gonna feel like you didn't spend enough money for all the entertainment and attention they give you! P.S. for those of you out there wondering-yes it is a real dbag move to tap your buddy on the shoulder while he's kissing a girl goodbye to tell said girl she has really beautiful eyes!
Very cool review and love the details. Ive known kimberly a long time and sheisna great girl. Gorgeous too, but keep that quiet. I try to keep her humble. Lol I left her the same "surprise" this morning that I left on your bed. I guess she is not up since I am outside and she would be yelling to me out her window. Lol so happy to see you as always and thank you for the mention.
Yeah what the hell is that thing supposed to be....I was pretty freaked to see it on my bed. Just hoping it didn't lay eggs in my ear while I was sleeping or anything.
Whoa... This review was close to slipping off the first page... Glad I caught it in time... That was a close one
i just read this thread. i must say it is one of my favs! the post on jill is definitely my fav but whatever! this is pretty damn funny tho. kimberly is a warm and sexy woman. glad you had a great time. you're pretty funny for a hobbit! :shock:
So I finally got it read! Good thing I needed new tires, cause it took a while. :lol: Seriously, wonderful review of a wonderful girl! I really think you should shop for a publisher. :wink:
Thank you? Are you kidding? We should fire your ass for this slip up! Kimberly is front page stuff not page 2!!! Get your act together JOEY! Just kidding. I just love reading about this sexy woman!
nice review, has so many great details in it. Kimberly rocks! She has a sassy attitude but will sit and talk to you if you need some one to talk to. Thanks for being so nice kimberly!
