Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"
Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. This happened another three times, and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other one down her panties. She replies, "I just won the lottery and that's the only cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!"
A wife is looking in the mirror while naked. She says, "Honey, I feel fat and ugly please pay me a compliment so I can feel better about myself." Her husband looks her up and down and says, "B**ch you have perfect vision"
LOL! A nice twist on the old Rodney Dangerfield line: "Hey, doc, every time I look in the mirror, I wanna throw up! What's wrong with me?" "I dunno but your eyesight is perfect!" '
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
SMART PHONE TROUBLE My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative" Anybody know what "ternative" means?
*ring* *ring* "Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning." "Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How ya doing?" She then wiggled her backside and walked off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife."Er- just a woman I met professionally." stammered the doctor. "Oh yeah?" his wife snarled. "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"
Q: What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? A: Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him. One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned. "Finally, some company!" he thought. While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, ''Hey, could you go walk the dog?''
An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common!"
This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the owner if he can stay in his barn for the night. "Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole. "What are in these holes?" the guy screams. "Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."
Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid." So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore. After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room. There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers. "Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?" Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"
Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead. There once was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. When the snake went back to get its ass, a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, "Don't lose your head over a piece of ass!"
Q: How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose? A: Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."
One night a man walked into a bar with a brown paper bag. The woman sitting on the stool next to him asked him what it he had in there. He replies, "Sorry ma'am, I can't tell you. It's impolite." The woman kept asking, the man kept refusing until, finally, he told her, "Okay, if you must know, it's a pussy-eating frog." The woman insisted she didn't believe it and told him to come up to her hotel room and prove it. So the man followed her up to her room, she got into bed, he put the frog under the blanket and told it to eat. Nothing happened. The man kept telling the frog to eat. The woman began to get annoyed that nothing was happening. "Alright," said the man at length, "he's nervous. I'll have to show him how to do it all over again..."
Teacher says: Alright, everyone who believes they are bad people stand up. Jimmy stands up. Teacher says: Jimmy, do you think you're a bad person? Jimmy replies: Not really, I just hated to see you standing alone
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness. Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy, a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park." The man said, "But officer this is my wife." The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."
My young nephew Tommy asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him, "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved."
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