I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
This little boy asked his mom "where do baby's come from" she says "the stork brings the baby" then a couple minutes later he comes back & says "well if the stork brings the baby then who fucks the stork".
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is using a feather, and perverted is using the whole chicken...
A father and son are taking a walk when they see two dogs going at it. "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" "They're making baby puppies." Satisfied with the answer, he drops the subject. A week later, he comes to his parents room after a nightmare and sees them in the act. "What are you guys doing?" "We're making you a little brother or sister." "Turn Mom over, I want a puppy."
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club. So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.
Just had the following conversation in a restaurant. Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today. Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629
That one is awesome! I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen. The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother." Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother." Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother." At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling, "That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.” Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!” Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read, "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too saying,"Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took our phone book!"
Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. "That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks. "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!" "Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts. A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?" The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
