In a fourth grade classroom the teacher asked the children to name a part of the body that would go to heaven first. Wendy said your hands because you pray with them. Very good said the teacher. John said your eyes because you will see God first. Very good said the teacher. Little Billy said your feet. The teacher asked, "Why is that, William?" Because every night my mom has her feet in the air screaming OH GOD I'M CUMMING !
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
A very rich man went hunting with a friend. Soon after they were in the field the hunting pointed at a bush. The dog barked twice and flushed two birds. The dog pointed at another bush, barked three times and flushed three birds. And so it went all morning, the dog never failed to bark the number of times equal to the birds flushed. The wealthy man was amazed and started trying to talk the dog's owner into selling the dog to him, but the owner would not sell. Finally the rich guy pulled out his checkbook and wrote a check for one million dollars. The dog's owner reluctantly took the check. Now, the rich guy couldn't wait to show his new dog off to all of his rich friends, and he bragged about the dog all the way to his hunting lodge. When they started hunting the dog pointed at,a bush, then picked up a,fallen tree branch and ran around tossing his head, then humped the rich guy's leg. Angry and humiliated that all his rich friends laughed at him, the wealthy man took the dog back to his former owner. "You cheated me! All this dumb dog does is point, then run around tossing his head with a tree branch in his mouth, then, worst of all, he humps my leg!" "The dog isn't dumb, you just Don't know how to read him. He's trying to tell you there are more fucking birds in the bush than you can shake a stick at."
A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So," the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?" The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"
Why do all men have trouble when they first start working as a carpenter?? They're too used to lying about how long 6 inches is .....
A man goes in t a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for condoms. Pharmacist: What size do you need? Man: There's different sizes? Hell, ,I don't know, how do I find out? Pharmacist: Well, there's a fence out back with three holes in it, small, medium, & large. Put your dick in each and see which one fits best. Man goes out back and does what the pharmacist told him. Unknown to him there was a young lady sunbathing in the yard next door, and she proceeded to pleasure him orally. After he finishes he goes back inside. Pharmacist; Well, what size do you need? Man: To hell with the condoms, give me about 40 feet of that fence.
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Tom had the remote and was switching back and forth between the hunting channel and the porn channel. Judy became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Tom, leave it on the porn channel. You know how to hunt!"
So I’m sitting on the sofa watching TV with my daughter & she hears that she got a text on her phone that she left in the kitchen so she goes to get her phone & it’s a text from me; “Please bring the snacks and drinks on your way back.”
Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day. She told him - "Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18." Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!
Four men are out golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully, "My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house." The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car." The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a vacation home in Miami. "Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami!"
In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby. "Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," he said. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the third blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked, "if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?" She thought and thought, then finally answered.. "is it on or off?"
A young man was planting some flower seeds on a sweltering day, sweating from the hot sun. His neighbor said, “You need to wait until the sun goes down, or plant in the morning when it is coolest.” The man said, “I can’t do that. It says on the package, ‘Plant in full sun!’ ”
My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure
Thanks! I Love that one - I HAD to steal it for my FB group "Simply Sonja" https://www.facebook.com/groups/452272064784810/?ref=group_header
The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk. "Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the ass."
A guy suffers from extreme abdominal pain and sees a doctor. The doctor says that medicated rectal inserts should rectify the problem. After performing the initial insertion, the doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed. That night, the man asks his wife to help him. His wife puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him and inserts the medicine. He lets out a wail. "Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No -- I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Q. What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A. By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
