One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. We talked for a short while but then things got hot. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you'll be a good girl and go to bed, I'll give you a quarter," I said to her. Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican. A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house. Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked, "But where is your husband?" "Jim?" the haggard woman said. "Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!"
A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day, when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little boy. "It has to be the Bull".
Linda Burnett, 23, in San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And yes, Linda is a blonde.
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened."Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
The old couple were celebrating Valentine's day after 50 years of marriage. They were sitting at the breakfast table when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting there naked as a jaybird, too!" "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I'm not surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Jake says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an unlimited Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jake, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Suzie?" "I wanna be Jake’s whore."
Little Johnny’s dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit and he says, “Hey, Dad! I’ll bet you $5 there’s some dogs humping just around this corner!” Dad considers how likely it would be, and says “You’re on, kid!” Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up. So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. “Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can’t break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?” The teacher replies, “I’ll do what I can.” Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. “Hey teacher! I’ll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!” The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties. On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. “Hey teacher! I’ll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!” She says, “You’re on!” and lifts her dress to reveal she isn’t wearing any panties at all! Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling. The teacher ecstatically calls his father. “Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!” The father is astounded. “How’d you do that?” he asks. “Well, Johnny’s been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn’t wear any, so he lost the bet!” A long string of curses comes over the phone. Teacher asks, “What’s wrong? Didn’t I do it right?” Dad answers “Just this morning he bet me $50 he’d see your pussy before the day was out!”
A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room. "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter." "Excuse me?" says the husband. "That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor. "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation." "That's not what I said," says the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."
Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake. "Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?" William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!" And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary." Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question. "Who died on the cross for our sins?" William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
The beautiful secretary of a bank president goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara. "The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I also want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France. "The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis. "The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut! I cut!"
On the eve of her wedding, the bride- to- be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin. "No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference." She went ahead and followed her friend's advice. On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere. The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read: Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together. Goodbye darling.P.S: ...Your pussy is in the refrigerator!
A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching." The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya." So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes. The doc finishes and says, "How's that?" The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?" The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots."
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Okay, then pour me some!"
I did not say you were ugly, I said you had a face that looked like you chased parked cars. When dealing with jerks it's always good to have a positive attitude. For instance, "I'm positive he's an a##hole". Behind every confident, determined woman is a guy saying, "Don't piss her off guys." Can you imagine what the 10 Commandments would have looked like if they would have had to go through Congress. - Ronald Reagan If ignorance is bliss, then Congress must be euphoric.
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
She said, "Kiss me doctor!" Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you."
A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day, when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the Bull." "How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'm, he couldn't have," said the little boy. "It has to be the Bull."
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
I'm not saying you're ugly, but you have a face for radio. I'm not saying you're dumb, I'm merely asking which is bigger your shoe size or your IQ? A man's in nightclub and goes up to a woman who in a snotty manner turns her back on him. He taps her on the shoulder, "Excuse me did it hurt?" She replied, "What, when I fell from heaven, that line is so old." "No," the man said meekly, "when they had to remove the stick from your ass."
This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goe
Dave is visiting his friend, Joe, who is a dog owner. The dog spends all his time while the friends are visiting licking his balls. Dave finally says to Joe, "I wish I could do that!" Joe answers, "Well it's okay with me but you probably should talk to him real nice & make friends with him before you try."
An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common!"
What's the difference between Baptists and Catholics .... Catholics say hi to each other when they meet at the liquor store
What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
