The mid 2000s…what a time! The days when HBO wasn’t afraid to have a show about the BunnyRanch on the air. I miss those days. In a way. I could have made better use of that time, but no…I’m an idiot! I signed up on several dating sites, and one was a LDS run site. I’m a Mormon, but only by birth. This is that story. Just for the hell of it, I signed up on an LDS dating site. Why? I’m not sure. I wasn’t really a good fit as I’m too much of a “live and let live” kind of a guy, and ultra religious people don’t live and let live. So I signed up, and one of the questions was “Where did you go on your mission?” I guess it was a requirement, as it’s not asking me if I had gone in a mission, which I hadn’t. I was living in North Carolina when I reached the age most teens go in their missions. I never had any desire to go in a mission and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to be forced. Plus, if I did go on a mission, and got sent to Amsterdam, I’ll be coming home early! If the church sends me to a foreign country, on MY dime no less, and I go as a virgin sent to a virtual heaven on earth, I’d make damn sure I didn’t go home as one. So I never served a mission, but I had a mission story ready to spring on missionary hopefuls. I told these kids I went to Oslo, Norway. And got sent home for sneaking out to catch the metal shows. Around the time I would have been on my mission, 1995-1997, I’d have seen some of my favorites as they were starting out. These kids were less than impressed but I didn’t care. So now, my profile is complete. A few days pass by, no nibbles. Then the following week, I get an email. I can’t remember this girl’s chat handle, so we’ll call her MormonGirl80. The email read something like: “hi r u on yahoo” At the time, it was very popular to use very simple characters when texting, but it seemed to appear in emails and on IMs. I figured, “She sure can’t spell, or use punctuation, but maybe she has other attributes I might find decent.” Spoiler alert: No…I won’t! But I didn’t know that then. So I responded with, “Hello. Yes, I’m on Yahoo. My YIM is (let’s say) oldnick999.” I sent that. After a little bit, I get this. mormongirl80: hi So I respond: oldnick999: Hello. How are you? mormongirl80: good n u This is going to be painful. oldnick999: I’m doing well. A few interesting things here and there, but nothing too grandiose. mormongirl80: i dont no tht word And I’m reading this, thinking “Tell me you’re over 18!” She had no pictures on her profile so I saw no harm in asking for one. She sent one with two people on it. On the left was this cute blonde girl, very attractive. I don’t normally go for blondes but I was stepping out of my territory anyway so it didn’t matter. On the right…well…I think it was a girl. I couldn’t tell. I’m no body shamer as I could stand to lose some pounds myself, and try to hit gym when I can. There was no attraction at all, but maybe I’m talking to the cute one, and the other is the mom. I asked, “Which one are you?” And I’m thinking, please be the one on the left! Please be the one on the left! mormongirl80: im on rite Shit! Ok, ok. That makes sense. So now I just had to ask. oldnick999: Who’s the other girl? mormongirl80: my cousin shes married Figures! All the good ones are married. mormongirl80: can i have a pic This is where I usually fail with women I’m actually interested in, so there may be hope yet! I will send my most nicest pic and they go ghost right after. Example: I will send a pic like this: If this pic turns you on to the point where your clitoris does a backflip, you might be a sex worker. But a pic like this would win me no points with anyone in Utah. utahhottie: Got a pic? *Sends pic* utahhottie has signed out. So no, I did not send a nice pic to this girl. Instead, I found some pics taken while I was at a few parties, and I wish I still had them coz I was a lot of fun. I sent one that had me in my goth jewelry, a beard style I called my “heavy metal hotness,” black bandana, shades on in the dark coz I’m so awesome, Devil horns with one hand, holding a bottle of JD in the other coz it’s metal to pose with a bottle even if you don’t drink. She should like that one. mormongirl80: u seem nice Maybe I should have sent that one to women I was actually interested in. So I decided to play my trump card. oldnick999: What kind of music are you into? mormongirl80: country YES! An out! oldnick999: I’m sorry, but we are incompatible. mormongirl80: wut duz that mean oldnick999: It means we are not a match! mormongirl80: y I’m gonna be put on an FBI watchlist for talking to someone who is otherwise legal who spells like she’s in third grade! OMG! ISTG! oldnick999: I listen to metal. I only listen to metal, and I can’t listen to anything else. Music is highly make or break with me, and it looks like this is as far as we go. Usually if I bring my taste in music, that’s all she wrote. But I was up against something else entirely. I saw that when I got this. mormongirl80: u have 2 stop listening to metal oldnick999: Why? mormongirl80: if were gon b 2gthr u have 2 listen 2 country metals stupid neway My spider sense was going nuts at this point! I know I said she wasn’t physically attractive but she had some red flags on display here! If there was no attraction before, there’s certainly none at all now. So I said good night and logged off. Then it gets crazy. I get on my computer the next day after work and see a ton of offline messages from her. I didn’t log on to Yahoo. I just went online and checked my email. There were a few emails from her, one saying “y wont u tok to me.” I logged on to Yahoo and went into stealth mode. I was still getting messages. I don’t wanna say I had a stalker but it sure felt like it. The usual stuff that scares away women I’m actually interested in wasn’t working here, and my mom was getting annoyed with it too. I got off stealth mode, messaged her, and said, We can’t be together.” mormongirl80: y oldnick999: Because AMON belongs to THEM. Yeah, that was bad, but I was tired. I logged off and went to bed. Just for kicks, I got on the computer before going to work, and saw even more offline messages, ranging from “r u there” to “talk to me.” But I didn’t know how to block anyone on Yahoo and had to go to work anyway. So she doesn’t work or sleep. Fun… I got home from work and even more offlines. A week full of this! This was getting ridiculous. So that weekend, I ended up hiring a local escort to pose as a girlfriend. I asked her if she could dress goth, which she did, and put my escape plan into action. I told her the story of what was going on and she was glad to help. I signed into Yahoo and turned on my webcam. I sent a webcam invite to mormongirl80. Immediately she accepts and sees me and my “girlfriend.” mormongirl80: whos she? oldnick999: She’s my girlfriend. We met and immediately hit it off. I think she’s the one. mormongirl80: shes not the 1 im the 1 ur guna go to hell n die mormongirl80 has signed out. It sucks that it had to get to that point. I went on that website and saw I had an email from someone else saying, “You better not be weird.” I deleted my profile. One reason why my Nevada trips are necessary. My divorce is another.
“If this pic turns you on to the point where your clitoris does a backflip, you might be a sex worker. But a pic like this would win me no points with anyone in Utah.” hahahahah idk why but this part had me rolling!
One of the ways I deal with rude people on the internet is to engage them seriously, but with disregard for what they're saying. So when I saw this gem: "mormongirl80: whos she? oldnick999: She’s my girlfriend. We met and immediately hit it off. I think she’s the one. mormongirl80: shes not the 1 im the 1 ur guna go to hell n die" Dear mormongirl80: Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your concern for my love life and the eventual resolution of my soul. I think you would be even more effective, however, with two slight improvements: A sentence should present a single idea or multiple ideas that relate to each other when separated by a comma. So your second sentence should be presented as two sentences, separated by a period. I am concerned by your assertion that I would "go to hell n die". The proper order would be "die n go to hell". If I were to go to hell while still alive, it would involve severe theological consequences regarding free will and the final judgement. Thank you for your assistance and blessings for your journey on our shared faith, oldnick999
Seriously, that whole chat had me thinking I was talking to a Sesame Street cast member. Might have been a puppet. “Today’s episode is brought to you by the letters Y, R, and U, and the number 2! yru so hard 2 talk 2?” LOL!!!
