Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
    A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
     
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  2. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

    “G’day this is Tim, you’ve reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?”

    I told him, “We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It’s our honeymoon, and well… ya know.”

    The guy on the help line replies, “Ah, bummer mate!”

    I say, “I hadn’t thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You’ve saved my honeymoon!”
     
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  3. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it. Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN. The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex. The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before. So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water. A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing?" The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."
     
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  4. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
     
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  5. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Three blondes were working out at their fitness club. A naked man with nothing but a bag over his head came streaking through the gym. The first blonde said she saw his penis and it certainly wasn't her husband. The second blonde agreed with her. The third blonde said that he didn't belong to the club.
     
  6. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket. "What is that?" she asks. "Those are my golf balls." "Is that like tennis elbow?"
     
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  7. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
     
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  8. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time?

    A: It depends on how many brothers she has.
     
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  9. . Screenshot_20190528-053054_Joke%20Book.jpg

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  10. . Screenshot_20190528-232907_Joke%20Book.jpg

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  11. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

    After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

    The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
     
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  12. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    [smilie=heart fill with love.gif]
     
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  13. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why can't psychics have children?

    A: Because their husbands have crystal balls.
     
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  15. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day in class the teacher has sex education. On the black board she draws a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is. In the back of the room, Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis, and my father has two of them."

    The teacher looks surprised and asks, "What do you mean, two?"

    Dirty Johnny responds, "A little one to pee, and a big one to brush the baby sitter's teeth."
     
  16. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    What is a Cat?
    1. Cats do what they want.
    2. They rarely listen to you.
    3. They're totally unpredictable.
    4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
    5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    7. They're moody.
    8. They leave hair everywhere.
    CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.


    What is a Dog?
    1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
    2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
    3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
    4. They growl when they are not happy.
    5. When you want to play, they want to play.
    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    7. They leave their toys everywhere.
    8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
    9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
    CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coat
     
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  17. There once was a man with a rope
    Who wanted to hear a joke
    Someone started one about the pope
    The man with rope said nope.
     
  18. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice. "He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!"
     
  19. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts. And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!
     
  20. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..." Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
     
  21. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...
    He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"
    The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
    The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
     
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  23. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
     
  24. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    "Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
     
  25. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crookodile
     
  26. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe
     
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  27. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop
     
  28. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

    A: All that was left was de brie.
     
  29. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    Q: Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

    A: To make ends meat
     
  30. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?

    A: He was on a roll!
     
  31. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,"...but is this stool taken?"
     
  32. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    This guy with a really small head walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why is your head so small?" He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody who pleased her people one wish, and she said I could have that wish. So I asked her to have sex with me. she said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?
     
  33. C_Note_KY
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    C_Note_KY Well-Known Member

    Bono and The Edge walk into a small Irish Pub. The patrons all get excited and start to point but the bartender looks up and says "Oh Not U2 Again!!"
     
  34. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Better than Sex?



    1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
    2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
    3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
    4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
    5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
    6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
    7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
    8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
    9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
    10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
    11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
    12. With chocolate size doesn't matter
     
  35. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sits at the bar and orders his drink and the bartender brings it to him.



    While hes sipping on his drink the bartender says, “hey, mac, i gotta ask…whats with the octopus?”

    The man says, “oh this? This is no ordinary octopus, this is a musical genius octopus!”

    Skeptical, the bartender says, “yeah? What can it play?”

    “Well whaddya got?” Says the guy.

    “Well over there we have a piano.” Says the bartender.

    So the guy picks up the octopus, sets it in front of the piano and says, “play!”

    The octopus plays the most beautiful music anyone in the bar has ever heard. Better than beethoven, better than bach, just beautiful.

    “Wow!” Says the bartender. “Im really impressed!! What else can he play?”

    “What else ya got?”

    “Over there we have some drums!” Offers the bartender.

    So the guy picks up the octopus, sets it in front of the drums and says, “play!”

    The octopus plays the drums like hes animal from the muppets, guitar like hes jimmy hendrix, and trumpet like hes miles davis!

    “Wow!” Says the bartender “im really impressed!! But i bet theres one instrument he cant play!” And from behind the bar he produces a set of bagpipes. “Bet he cant play these!”

    The guy sets the octopus in front of the bagpipes and immediately the octopus is crawling all over the bagpipes, pulling and pushing and prodding, just making the most awful sounds. No one in the bar has heard anything worse.

    “See!” Says the bartender “i told you he couldnt play em!”

    The octopus looks up and without skipping a beat says, “play em?! I was trying to get its pajamas off so i could fuck em!”
     

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