December 6, 2002

BY PHIL ROSENTHAL TELEVISION CRITIC

Never having actually visited a brothel or paid for the services of a "working girl," as the legal prostitutes of Nevada's Moonlight Bunny Ranch apparently prefer to be called, I can't say for certain.

But it sure does seem like they're faking it in "Cathouse," a ** HBO documentary that wholeheartedly buys the notion that these women are selling sexual acts only partly for money and partly because they just plain enjoy the sex.

It's just a little hard to believe that they are, shall we say, this enthusiastic about their work. No one in "Cathouse" has even a marginally bad thing to say about it at all. Not a one, which has to be, well, someone's idea of a fantasy.

I mean, I love pie. But if my job were to eat it several times a day, and I had to select from a not-always-appetizing menu, my guess is it would be far less of a treat. Not every pie is going to be enjoyable. If acting as though I loved a steady diet of dessert looked to increase my earning potential, however, I would probably have a big smile on my face, rub my belly and ask for more, more, more.

Which is pretty much what these working girls--who go by names such as Sunset and Air Force--do for the cameras in "Cathouse," thoroughly unchallenged to open up and reveal even a little of their unguarded selves by producers Patti Kaplan and George Ciccarone. That was the team behind "Taxicab Confessions," a far more interesting use of their hidden cameras and uncanny knack for getting idiots to sign away their right to privacy.

Not even the strippers on HBO's "G-String Divas" were this thrilled to be peddling sex, and they didn't have to go all the way and deal with a virgin whose mom sat in on the haggling over the price for his deflowering.

"Cathouse," which gets its debut at 9:20 p.m. Sunday, right after the season finale of "The Sopranos," is just a thoroughly mediocre piece of work. It promises to be the pure distillation of reality TV, but there's no payoff.

It take viewers somewhere they probably have never been and never will go. But with the possible exception of the egg timers used to track how much time remains on a customer's so-called party and the fact that the brothel itself looks about as sexy as a double-wide trailer, you never get the sense that you're seeing anything proprietor Dennis Hof wouldn't want advertised.

True, the customers are more than a little pathetic. The virgin with his mom is a particularly sad case, but so are the husbands and wives who come to make special occasions especially memorable, the lonely widower and the slightly addled pair of brothers who decide they can only afford to see a woman pleasure herself. The rival pimp who tries to hire away one of the women and the clown who drops 15 grand for an orgy-- well, they deserve what they get.

No sex acts are shown (which may be something of a relief given the appearance of the clientele and even some of the working girls), and while "Cathouse" purports to show pre-sex "negotiations" on hidden-camera video, the editing leaves some doubt as to what the final price for services rendered worked out to be.

The women, who start the bidding at a figure based on what they think a prospective customer can afford, clearly don't want future clients saying, "But that only cost X-amount on TV!"

Whatever the price (and it's not clear whether discounts were given to these people for signing the video release papers), the customers shown on camera all seem happy with the arrangements.

That means the only people left disappointed and unsatisfied from these transactions are us, the viewers.

Anybody got pie?

CHANGING CHANNELS: Despite her legal problems of late, Martha Stewart's syndicated "Martha Stewart Living" is returning next fall for an 11th season.

* "21 Jump Street" creators Stephen J. Cannell and Patrick Hasburgh are working on a Paramount feature film based on the 1987-90 Fox series that helped boost the early careers of Johnny Depp, Holly Robinson Peete and Richard Grieco.