To the honorable Mayor Boris Johnson:
I would like to personally congratulate you on your reelection, and wish you the best of success with the upcoming London Olympics and The Queen's Diamond Jubilee. I have been given the honor of speaking at The Oxford Union on May 17th, and I look forward to spending time in London during my stay in The UK.
I am the owner of The Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada, known as America's preeminent legal brothel. I also own 25% of the brothels in Nevada, and for ten seasons I have been the subject of HBO's "Cathouse" series. I have been asked to speak at Oxford on the subject of legalizing prostitution, and while there I would like to request the opportunity to speak in person with you as well. As I'm sure that you are aware, London will no doubt be flooded with illegal forms of prostitution and unseemly vice during the time that the eyes of the world are on this summer's Olympic Games. My sources tell me that between the Albanian mob, North African gangsters and others, they plan to traffic upwards of 1,000 girls, which will lead to other forms of violent crimes. Every few years, the host city of The Olympics endeavors to "clean up" their vices by rounding up and pushing prostitutes to the city's outer limits. In the process, that municipal government's well intentioned efforts to eradicate the world's oldest profession becomes folly as the unintended results inadvertently place its' control into the hands of gangsters, drug dealers and murderers. It's a strategic miscalculation that is repeated time and time again in the futile hope of an outcome different than all of those that have come before.
In the interest of reversing this historically dismal track record of crime reduction, I would like to propose and offer to facilitate a bold alternative. In the spirit of "the special relationship" that my country enjoys with yours, I would like to request a one time 30 day license to operate a temporary "Bunny Ranch" brothel in London. Prostitutes will be tested and verified to be disease free, a secure drug free building will be maintained to eliminate the presence of any criminal element, and the considerable tax revenue generated will greatly benefit your citizens. I would of course be happy to pay whatever licensing fees would be necessary. What a forward thinking example this would be to the rest of the world as to how to truly fight crime by taking away any black market value that the criminal enjoys.
While I am in London, I plan to tour London's White Chapel District, and the thought is not lost on me that this brave new initiative would serve to show the entire world what a difference 100 years can make.
For ten weeks in 1888, Jack The Ripper terrorized London's White Chapel District by murdering prostitutes, operating in shadows under the cover of night. The impoverished area was riddled with crime and unsanitary conditions. Had 19th century London instead been populated by legal and regulated brothels, these women would have been protected and verified to be in good health. Instead of discovering horrific crime scenes, the constables who walked those cobble stones would have instead been free to merely check in on legal and well lit businesses, just as they would neighborhood taverns. Taxes gathered from such a business would have provided a financial boon to the area, helping to lift it out of the impoverished conditions that many of its' residents were subjected to.
Please consider my request to have the honor of meeting with you in person. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to learn more about England's position on vice from your perspective, as well as offer my own perspective on Nevada's very successful history of legalized prostitution.
Owner of "The Moonlite Bunny Ranch" & star of HBO's "Cathouse