Andy Kaufman Returns

It's not easy being bigger than Jesus right now. I'm actually getting death threats from a few of the non-believers. Don't worry, I forgive you.

If I ever mysteriously stop posting anymore, it's either because one of them got to me, or I'm just too busy on my national Starbucks and Wal-Mart tour.

Hopefully I'll get to make my first public television appearance before I would have to go into hiding or permanent touring of the country again.

DC said...

Why does anyone care if it's really him or not? What's the point of all the nasty names?

Zmuda and Lynne took out full-page ads to remind Andy of the date, and his promise to them, right? Everything they've done in the past 20 years, everything that Andy did in the 35 years before that, what was the point of it all? What was the point of Andy Kaufman's life?

Have fun.

So maybe this isn't really him. Maybe it is. But either way, I'm still smiling.

He's having fun. And because he's having fun, I am too. I wish that you could all, for just one second, let yourselves have fun with this.

Because somewhere in this world or the next, Andy Kaufman is laughing his ass off.


DC - the non-believers are what make this country great. They accept the spoon fed liberal mass media line all the way to the bank. People wonder why I'm doing this on a blog instead of just appearing on SNL or Dateline or something. Maybe the mainstream isn't ready for me to be back yet. Maybe I don't want to be back in the Hollywood limelight, whoring myself out for some guy in a dark suit at a nameless mega-corporation.

This may not be it for some of you, but one day you will wake up and see something that you never thought was possible. The world wasn't flat like you thought it was, or you figured out the earth is not in fact the center of the universe and rotates itself about the sun, or that wearing sunscreen really is a good idea.

On that day you'll thank Andy Kaufman. Until then, I'll be seeing you at Starbucks, Wal-Mart, and various truck stops throughout the country on my national tour.

My friends keep telling me, "Andy - why don't you go on Letterman, man? Or Barbara Walters? Let everyone know you're back."

What I did broke the trust of a lot of people in this country, not to mention many close friends and family members. I will never again be able to gain back that trust. Not even after public appearances or even DNA testing. Some will always have their doubts. I don't care about those people anymore.

I care about my fans, the ones who understood my rare form of comedy meets performance art spectacle. That's why I'm going to give back to you guys only, and tour the country appearing unexpectedly at local Starbucks and Wal-Marts.

I've been working on a lot of new characters these last twenty years, which I may be disguised as:
- aging comedy legend who still thinks everyone recognizes him
- hippie turned yuppie guy in suit, now with bad coke habit
- aging fat and bald guy who thinks he is god's gift to women
- black turtleneck wearing pseudo-intellectual anti-war nerd-chic guy
- and more.

The tour begins TODAY! Be sure to tell your friends and alert the local media when you spot me!

I got a call today from some investigators at the LAPD who said they wanted to "ask me a few questions" about my disappearance 20 years ago.

I told them about the statute of limitations (7 years) on faking ones death, but they persisted and said they have "other ways of getting to me."

Should I be worried?

This may mean I'll have to go back into hiding sooner than I had thought.

Mister Gone said: Might be Andy. Might be Bob. Might be someone else entirely. If you're not on for the ride, then the joke's on you.

This is Andy, but I know some of you won't be believers and that's fine. You're missing out on being "in" on one of the biggest stunts ever pulled -- me returning after faking my death for 20 years, just like I promised!

A special thanks to the wonderful Bunny Ranch ladies! Here I am in the Tony Clifton character:

I don't know how the press release people got the name Ernst & Young, but that's not the auditor we used to do the DNA testing. They are much too reputable to get involved in this kind of sordid task, much akin to parenthood testing.

Also, it wasn't ABC News that interviewed me. It was some British entertainment mag -- apparently I'm huge over there.

Andy Kaufman Returns After 20 Years

Andy Kaufman faked his own death 20 years ago and has returned, alive and well. DNA tests prove that this is indeed the real Kaufman and not another hoax. Some fans are outraged, others are just glad to know the legendary comic is alive.

New York City, NY (PRWEB) May 19, 2004 -- Twenty years ago, on May 16, 1984, most of the world believed that we had lost a comedic legend forever. This has turned out to be what will inevitably be known as the greatest comic prank ever conceived. Andy Kaufman, by all accounts, is alive and well at age 55 and is now living in New York City on the upper west side. To his loyal supporters and fans, Andy says "sorry about faking my death," in a recent interview with ABC News at his apartment. In order to reach legendary comic status and seal his place in the history of performance art, he said it was "necessary to go away for twenty years."

Andy Kaufman’s official site has been launched at:
http://andykaufmanreturns.blogspot.com/

Even though he has technically returned, Andy says that he plans to maintain his low key lifestyle that he has led for the past twenty years. He has resumed contact with friends and family. Fearing the possibility of this scenario and the potential for another hoax, Kaufman’s family has contracted with independent auditors Ernst & Young to determine if this in fact the real Andy Kaufman. He has subjected himself to medical examination and submitted DNA, hair, blood and fingerprint samples to the auditors. Ernst & Young and the Kaufman family report that with a 99% probability, this is indeed the real Andy Kaufman. His mother says, "It’s good to have Andy back."

In 1999, a new crop of Kaufman fans were born after Jim Carrey starred in the hit film Man on the Moon. "Andy’s bizarre mix of comedy and performance art will inspire fans and comedians alike for generations, especially after this stunt," says Jim Carrey.

Andy says he will make only occasional public appearances, sometimes in disguise so that you won’t know if it’s really him or someone else. Kaufman was famous for pulling this stunt with the Tony Clifton character, sometimes played by good friend Bob Zmuda.

Andy says fans should tune into his website for ongoing updates to his adventures in life. As always, Andy’s stage has been the world, testing the boundaries of our beliefs, our sources of information, and our perception of reality. "It’s good to be back," Andy writes on his website.

Well, the naysayers can be put to rest. I just made my first public appearance back tonight at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. Pictures will be forthcoming.

The mainstream media is slow to accept that I'm the real deal.

The Ann Coulter thing is a joke guys, come on! Doesn't anyone have a sense of humor anymore? People either expect this to be like a serious PhD thesis dissertation blog, or a completely zany wacky crazy Andy Kaufman is back up to his old stunts again site.

I can't please everyone. Maybe I should die again, but for real this time.

What do you guys think?

I will be making a public appearance at the Bunny Ranch tomorrow night between 8pm and midnight. Be there!

It's probably too soon to mention this after returning, but I think those of you that are believers should know the truth.

I never knew my real parents. I grew up in and out of foster care. The parents people think are my real parents are just hired actors who played along with my charade.

My mother, it was rumored, in fact, never had intercourse until several years after my birth. I know, it sounds crazy. All I can tell you is what I heard. You'll have to decide for yourself what to believe.

I had achieved a Zen-like state of transcension until this punk started running his mouth off on Drudge Report.

Chuck,

I hereby call out your mother to a female wrestling match to settle this once and for all.

I will meet her for a televised wrestling match, if she has the balls. All proceeds from ticket sales will go to charity.

Tell her to bring it. She better do some serious Rocky IV style training in the siberian mountains if she wants to win this one, the skanky ho that she must be to not teach you any better manners.

This is Andy so you know who said it.

I just wanted to dispell the rumors that were floating around the Internet that I "blew" Glenn Reynolds to obtain a link from Instapundit.com.

Alien Abductions are a hoax. Why would they need to abduct trashy rednecks and probe them when the aliens can blend right in with the rest of us?

This is not a simulated virtual world a la The Matrix. If you are approached by a man who tells you he can "free your mind," kindly give him the finger and tell him to f*** off. If you subsequently wake up in a pod of goo and have input/output jacks all over your body, that world is actually the second construct of reality. A virtual world within a virtual world. I made it all the way to the third world that was just pure white light, when a voice came to me and told me that I must return to the first world construct and fake my own death in order to show people "the door".

I am not Osama bin Laden. Ann Coulter is actually an evil twin clone of mine. We take turns playing one another, much like Tony Clifton and I did for years.

Regardless of whether you believe in the devil or not, I met him down in Brazil. He showed me his credentials. Lucifer's Evil Empire has developed sophisticated holographic seals to prove that their workers really are on the side of Evil. Saddam Hussein had one, but that was obvious. Most people these days think Bush has one but it's all a big scam. Yep -- Satan confirmed that Bush is either a free agent or working for the other side. He apparently went "off the reservation" after kicking his coke and booze habit.

Speaking of coke, I learned that crack cocaine is an odorless, tasteless, highless, and utterly inactive chemical compound that was introduced by the CIA into urban areas during the 1980s as an excuse to arrest young black males. I learned this the hard way after paying $150 for some crack cocaine in Baltimore in 1994. So, go ahead, smoke some crack! Just tell your mom -- "Andy Kaufman says it's okay to smoke crack!"

As always, Matt Drudge with the Drudge Report comes through with the big story first. Just like Lewinskygate.

Several reporters at ABC News had the story that I was alive but wouldn't touch it with a 10 ft pole. Once all the big boys realize that this isn't a hoax, it'll be too late.

Welcome to my playground, boys and girls. Any ladies out there want to wrestle?

Let me just address a few vocal critics who think I've lost my sense of humor. Since this is my first day of posting, I need to balance out the site with serious stuff (aka proof that this is the real Andy Kaufman) vs. the comically absurd.

I am in fact Ann Coulter.

Coulter is Kaufman.

Kaufman is Coulter.

I am not George Bush, as some had suspected.

Whatever you hear, do not believe the one about me masterminding 9/11 as a giant conspiracy where no one actually died. For the last three years, I have definitely NOT been hanging out with 343 FDNY firefighters in the Caribbean. Do not believe that one. I am Jewish, though.

I've been getting a lot of questions via email so I thought I'd create this FAQ for the curious.

What have you been doing these last twenty years?

Once the initial part of faking my death was over, it was very easy to just "disappear." Plenty of people do this and are reported by their families as missing, only to show up weeks or months later. The trick was staying away for so long. For the stunt to be successful, I had to go away for a very, very long time. I figured twenty years was a good, round number that was long enough and would be totally legendary. I've been keeping a low profile, traveling the world, working odd jobs and practicing transcendental meditation.

How can we be sure this is the real Andy Kaufman?

How do you ever know anything is really what you think it is? It would take a DNA or fingerprint sample to prove that I am the real Andy Kaufman, which I’m more than willing to do if need be. I’m sure there would even be doubters if I did that. People will believe what they want to believe. I’ve spoken to my parents and a few old colleagues, like Bob Zmuda. You can ask them if I’m the real deal.

Why did you lie to all of us, you bastard?

It was the only way to seal my status in history as a legendary performance artist. I want to be remembered for so much more than having played Latka on Taxi. The worst part was lying to my family and closest friends.

How did you fake your death certificate?

That was surprisingly easy. I had a friend who worked at the hospital who helped grease the wheels at Cedars-Sinai to pronounce me dead and sneak me out of the hospital. Once the first wheel was set into motion, everything else just fell into place as people believed what they were told by someone else.

What are your plans now that you’re back?

I don’t plan on returning to the media limelight. I might make an impromptu appearance here or there. I’ve grown accustomed to my new life and will likely maintain it instead of plunging back into the twisted world of Hollywood. It sounds boring and cliché by now, but the world is my stage. My biggest fans always knew this. They were in on the charade all along.

How can I reach you?

Email: andykaufmanreturns@hotmail.com

Where are you living?

I do travel quite a bit, and have lived in these places and more: Aruba, NYC, Key West, the Philippines, various rural Texas towns, throughout the Caribbean, and many more. I’m not going to put my current location, as it will probably change every few months as I go exploring.

Hey everyone. Greetings from planet earth.

Sorry about faking my death. I always knew my biggest supporters would play along until it was the right time for me to return. Yesterday, being the 20th anniversary, was a long enough time to go away. No one has ever gone away that long before. I've been documenting my adventures for the last twenty years in journals and will be posting some of the best stories from here. Mostly though, I've just been practicing transcendental meditation throughout various parts of the world while working odd jobs and keeping a low profile.

I'll be posting regularly from this address. You can consider this site Andy Kaufman central. Enrique P. is some kind of obsessed online fan of mine.

Now for your obvious first question. "How can I know this is the real Andy Kaufman, and not some prankster punk kid?" Well, all I can say is that definitive proof that I am the real Andy Kaufman will be forthcoming. For now, you'll just have to trust me.

It's good to be back.

Yours truly,
Andy