A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"
Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?" "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Last Thursday night he gradually woke up - stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU. Tubes up his nose and down his throat; wires monitoring every function and all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear . . .and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep and steady into his eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down . . . "He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink, det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
The manager was stuck in a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for materials to arrive. One week stretched to two, and by the end of the third week he couldn’t take it anymore. He went into the local whorehouse, plunked down a hundred dollars, and requested the worst blow job in the joint. Pocketing the cash, the madam said, “Sir, for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst. Why, it’ll buy you the very best we have to offer.” “Let me set you straight,” explained the fellow. “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”
Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted? A: Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
I love this Thread!!!! Im so excited to have so many responses and love to see all the funny jokes! I could write a book with all the jokes you have all shared!
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her. The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
A travelling salesman is out in the country selling his wares. He is in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down, he leaves the car and starts walking and reaches a small farm house. He knocks and a middle aged man opens the door. The salesman asks him for a place to sleep in the night. The farmer tells that he has only one room with a bed and on that he and his wife (who turns out be gorgeous) sleep. So the salesman sleeps on the bed with the farmer and his lovely wife. In the middle of the night the farmer's wife gets horny and asks the salesman to come over to her side and fuck her! The salesman points towards the snoring farmer and whispers, ''He'll wake up!'' The farmer's wife replies, ''He's a sound sleeper. If you don't trust me pull a hair out of his ass and you will see that he won't wake up!'' The salesman tries and the farmer does not wake up. The salesman and the farmer's wife get into a fucking session. They repeat the act several more times that night and the salesman plucks a hair out of the farmer's ass every time he goes to fuck the wife. Finally the farmer wakes up and says, ''Hey, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but can you stop using my ass a scoreboard!?!''
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says, "Grandma, what's that?!?" Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies, "That's my beaver, Johnny." "Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity. Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him. "Mom, what's that?" asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions. Taken back, Mom says, "Johnny, that's my beaver." Johnny replies, "I thought so. I think Grandma's is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!"
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her. The wife says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob. "So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, "your dick tastes like shit! "The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter,"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father. She returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter. He already wrote the letter by hand."
Okay so this isn't really a joke, but.... How does someone turn up missing? If no one knows where the hell they are?! hehehe
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter,"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father. She returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter. He already wrote the letter by hand."
I like nonsensical jokes: Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other "is it getting hot in here or what?" The other shouts, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!?!" Sent from my HUAWEI ALE-L04 using Tapatalk
What's small, brown, and dangerous? A splinter. What's small, purple, and dangerous? A grape with a machine gun. Sent from my HUAWEI ALE-L04 using Tapatalk
On the drive over to his girlfriend's house, a guy listens to a call-in sex show on the radio. The host is explaining that masturbating before sex can help men last longer. The guy decides to give it a try. He pulls his truck over on the side of the highway, gets out and crawls underneath. Satisfied with the privacy, he undoes his pants, closes his eyes and starts to masturbate. Close to orgasm, he feels a tap on the bottom of his boot. Not wanting to lose his fantasy when he's so close, he squeezes his eyes shut tighter and stammers, "J-just checking the r-rear a-axle. Almost g-got it!" "Well, you might as well check your brakes while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
I farted in an Apple Store today and got thrown out because of it. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive. "Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"
An undertaker comes home with a black eye. "What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."
Day1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "yes dear" Day 2: "We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "yes dear". Day 3: "We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Mum replies, "No dear, it's because your 25.
Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb. The other kids said this Texas Oil Billionaire was giving out iPods. So they knocked on this guys door and said trick or treat. The guy said, "What are you dressed as?" The little girl said, "Jack 'n Jill." The guy said, "You cant be Jack 'n Jill, you're black." So the kids left and came back and the guy said, "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?" The little girl said, "Hansel 'n Gretel." The guy says, "You can't be Hansel 'n Gretel, you're black." So the kids leave upset only to come back a few minutes later. This time they were naked. The guys says, "And just what are you supposed to be now?" The little girl says, "M&M’s, I’m plain and he got nuts"
Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number
