Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?" "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Two blondes are eating breakfast together when one tells the other, "I slept with two Brazilian guys last night!" The other blonde then replies in great surprise, "Wow, I don't think I've even met that many guys!" I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man in a trench coat walked over and flashed them! Two of the little old ladies immediately had a stroke, but the third one didn't want to touch it.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ...and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "Guts" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "Balls," is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the arse and having the balls to say, "You're next, fatty!"
my fav is Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can lick her candy but what Jack got was a mouth full of cock ... and learned her name is Randy...
Airport immigration: NAME?Muhammed al Facid SEX?Yes 3 times a week. NO, I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE? Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
There were three dogs at a vet's office. The first dog asked the second one why he was there. He replied by saying, "My owner has a really nice car and one day when he was taking me for a ride I just couldn't help myself I pissed all over the seats. He got really mad so he brought me here to be put to sleep." "Well then," the first dog said, "That is kinda what happened to me but a little different. Well you see my owner was kinda late coming home from work and I to couldn't help myself I crapped all over the new rug. So he to brought me here to put me to sleep." Then the two dogs asked the third one why he was there. The third dog said, "Well you see my owner likes to clean the house in the nude and one day when she was bending down to clean under the couch well I to couldn't help myself; I jumped on her back and had the ride of my life!" The first and second dog said, "Well let me guess she brought you here to have you put to sleep, right?" The dog replied, "Nope she brought me here to get my toe nails clipped."
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know. The brunette's word is "quizzical." The redhead's word is "sardonic." The blonde's word is "d**k."
This reminds me of the lyric in ABBA's 'Thank You For The Music', where Agnetha sings: "I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore. If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before." Agnetha sure could've used such a reference book. Here's my contribution (which you've probably heard before) : Two absent-minded gymnasts walk into a bar. (The third one managed to duck.)
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited. "Well go look in the garage," she said.
Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under! Bar Toast - Nipples Here's to Nipples, without them Titties would be pointless.
A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked, "if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?" She thought and thought, then finally answered.. "is it on or off?"
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Q: What's the best way to torture a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
“TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!” shouted the man in the street standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks, “Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please?” The man says to her, “Well I am very sorry but we don’t have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we’re totally out of onions.” The woman then says, “Oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please.” The man says, “Miss, I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left.” The lady then says “oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please.” The man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says, “Alright, let’s play a game, if you take the ‘omato’ out of tomato, what do you get?” The woman confused says, “You would get ‘t’ ” The man says, “Correct, and if you would take the ‘otato’ out of potato, what would you get?” The woman says, “You would get ‘p'” The man then says to her, “Correct again! Now, if you take the ‘FUCK’ out of onion what would you get then?” The woman very much confused says, “But…. there is no ‘fuck’ in onion.” And the man screams, “CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!”
Brit Joke: A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He orders a pint for himself a half for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat... Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders half for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat. Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on all night first the man, then the ostrich... At the end of the night the barman says to him.... "I couldn't help noticing, you and the ostrich bought all the drinks". The man replied "Well its a long story" and continues... "I was walking down a beach and saw a lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and gave me a wish, so I wished for a Bird Long legs and a tight pussy".
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks: Nike Condoms - Just do It! Toyota Condoms - Oh what a feeling Ford Condoms - The ride of your life Sony Condoms - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today? KFC Condoms - Finger Licking Good M&Ms Condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands Coca-Cola Condom - The Real Thing Ever-Ready Condoms - Keep going and going Macintosh Condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple Pringles Condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop
A man recently had his arm amputated and decided to kill himself by jumping off a building. When he was ready to jump, he saw a man with both arms amputated dancing around. He decided to find out why he was so happy. The man told him, “I’m not dancing. My ass is itching and I can’t scratch it!”
A dad was taking his daughter with him to the barbers and she asked what she was going to do while they were there. Her dad stopped and got her a bug juice and a Twinkie to keep her busy. When it was time for the dad to receive his hair cut his daughter followed along and stood by her dad. The barber told the little girl to go sit down because she might get hair on her twinkie. The little girl responded, "I know, and I'm going to get boobs too"
The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name. The chief answered in his typically poetic way... "When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth." Then, the boy said to the Chief... "And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name?" The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy... "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
