Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How do you know which one of them is a prostitute? The one with the label "Idaho"
Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I`ve never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"
Two men are walking through the desert. One of them says: "I'm so thirsty I could suck the sweat off a bull's dick. To which the other man replies: "Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late. The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down. Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied, "Sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied, "No sir, I am Abbey Lane."
Chocolate Better than Sex? Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. Good chocolate is easy to find. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or a flight attendant? A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right. A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit. And a flight attendant says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!" With that, the baby pops right back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!" Moments later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger-- "How do you like that?"
A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"
There was a farmer. He had a lot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, "Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, "I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside." Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read :"GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!"
A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, "We can just live on love." Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Heating your breakfast."
A blind man walks into a restaurant and asks for a used spoon. The restaurant owner finds it odd but obliges. The man takes a lick and thinks for awhile, and declared “Hmm, lobster linguine in tomato and habanero sauce! I think I’ll have one of those!” The restaurant owner was incredulous as that was one of the restaurant’s best dishes, and serves him one. The next day, the blind man came back and asked for another used spoon. When he takes a lick, he proclaims “Hmm, roast pork knuckle with Dijon mustard and blue cheese sauce! I’ll have that!” The restaurant owner was impressed as that was the special of the day that he had never served before. The following day, the blind man walks in and asks for another spoon. The owner wants to trick the blind man and asks his wife to rub a clean spoon onto her pussy. Although she is disgusted, she was finally coerced to do so. Sniggering, the owner passes the spoon to the blind man. The blind man took a lick, thinks awhile before shouting “Hey, I didn’t know Ellie works here!”
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. "What's that?" the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his willy he has a tattoo that says AIDS. "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams. "No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."
One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter recommended. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally succeeded in making love to her. Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" "What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once." "Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk replies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"
There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a Caribbean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home... Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first night, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?" The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all night long. The next night, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all night long. This continues for 2 glorious weeks. When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first night home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?" To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every night and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all night long." The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown !".
A teenage boy asked a question to the Wise Man "What are the 3 Rings of Life"? The Wise Man said to him - "Son, when you start to like girls, you will start to develop feelings with them and you start dating them. Then when you develop "Feelings of Love" and are more serious, the "First Ring" of Life is the "Engagement Ring". During that time, you are getting to know more of each other. Then when you want to start a family and have several kids, the "Second Ring of Life" is the "Wedding Ring". Then when you've had a family and the kids are grown-up and they are starting a family of there own and you are not getting along with each other, the "Third Ring of Life" is the 'Suffering".
A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?" He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight." She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?" He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy". The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck...Mother, the bride-to-be interrupted, "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!"
My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.
