Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    How can you tell your neighbors are rednecks?
    When they finally mow their lawn you see 2 washers, a dryer and a Chevy on blocks.

    How can you tell your neighbors are rednecks?
    They use a smoke detector as an oven timer

    ;);););):p:p:p:p:D:D:D:D
     
  2. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire - I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape - I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow." "Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
     
    Sharky likes this.
  3. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Okay, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
     
    Sharky likes this.
  4. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A twenty-five-year-old man walks into a bar and sits down next to his Irish father. His father says, "Do ya see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands. Not one person ever called me 'Derwin The Barmaker." "Look out that window there. Do you see that bridge? I built that bridge with me own two hands. Not one person ever called me 'Derwin The Bridge Maker." "And do yee see that building down the street? I built that building with me own two hands. Not one person EVER called me 'Derwin The Building Maker'. But you FUCK ONE GOAT!"
     
    Sharky likes this.
  5. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Last time I was at the Bunny Ranch I told the bartender come up with a drink that will have the ladies thinking I'm charming, handsome and sexy.
    Bartender looked at me and said, "Sir, we aren't allowed to serve that much alcohol to the ladies."
     
  6. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Q: What's six inches long, 3 inches wide and makes women excited?

    A: $100 bill !!!!!!
     
  7. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    I'm not saying my probation officer is cruel, but he makes me sleep with his wife.

    The doctor came out of the examining room and told me my ex-wife was having heart issues. I looked at the doctor and said, "no, you're kidding."
    He replied, "no really, she's having heart issues."
    So I said, "so what you're telling me is that my ex-wife has a heart."

    I'm not saying my ex-wife was a bad cook, but will somebody tell me how you burn water?!

    So is it me or does anyone else think United Airlines will starting instituting water boarding for all over booked passengers?!!
     
  8. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    You can't tell gay jokes because someone might get offended.
    You can't tell racist jokes because someone might get offended.
    You can't tell sexist jokes because someone might get offended.
    Next you're going to tell me I can't tell 'knock-knock' jokes because some tree hugger might get offended.
     
  9. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    The difference between sexy and sexist;

    Sexy: Wow, baby you look great in that lingerie, I can't wait to make love to you.

    Sexist: Wow, baby you look great in that lingerie, now once you get done making me a sandwich come to bed I need a blowjob.
    ;););););););):D:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
  10. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Q: Why do women have legs?
    A: If they didn't men would have to carry them around like bowling balls.

    Q: Why do men name their penises?
    A: They don't want a complete stranger making decisions for them.
     
  11. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    I have a multi-million dollar idea.
    Sell bottles of dehydrated water and on the bottle the instructions will read: 'Just Add Water'
     
  12. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
    He only comes once a year.
     
  13. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Why is Santa the worst lover in history?
    He cums only once a year.
     
  14. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    Am I the only one who hates that you have to get your hand a little tipsy before you can take advantage of it?
     
  15. Sharky
    Chat with Me

    Sharky Well-Known Member

    If Congress was like NASCAR can you imagine what they would look like with all those sponsor decals?
    ;);););););););)
     
  16. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Finnegin says, "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it."

    "What on earth is she doin' at that time?" replied Keenan.

    "Waitin' for me to come home!"
     
    Sharky likes this.
  17. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    My wife doesn't know it, but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I'm saving that money and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
    So far she's getting a McChicken.
     
  18. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
    The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
     
    Sharky likes this.
  19. thunderstorm
    Chat with Me

    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.



    She looked at me and said, “Turn the light off and stick it in my butt.”



    I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
     
    Sharky likes this.
  20. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I pointed to small circle and said, "This is your ass hole before prison....."
     
    Sharky likes this.
  21. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."
     
  22. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt? "The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy, and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. The doctor said, "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little." "Like this?" she askes. The doctor says,"A little more." "Like this?" she asks again. "No. A little more," he says. "Like this?" she asks, again. "Yes. Does that hurt?" the doctor asks. "A little bit." she responds. Then the doctor says, "Now stretch it over your head!"
     
  23. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted. "To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled. "I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurrence, and every day the two elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman- SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled. "Parkinsons" he replied.
     
  24. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
    "Go and get help!" he cried.
    "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
    "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
    Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
    The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far."
     
  25. greeneyedude
    Chat with Me

    greeneyedude Well-Known Member

    What do u call a fat computer?

    Adele
     
  26. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy is at a urinal in a public restroom when a hunchback walks in and stands next to him. He glances over and sees that the hunchback has a gigantic penis. The guy says, "Man, if I had a dick that big, I would be sucking it all day." The hunchback replies, "How do you think I got to be a hunchback?"
     
  27. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?
    A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."
     
  28. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing. "Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
     
  29. How do you put a guy in suspense?

    I'll tell you later.
     
  30. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old. "The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
     
  31. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of FIFA World Cup condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made. "FIFA World Cup condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze." "So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin. "Gold of course," says the proud man. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
     
  32. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Okay, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

    "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
     
  33. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
     
  34. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

    A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
     
  35. John N Ga
    Chat with Me

    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?" The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?" A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?" A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?" "What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything. "Wow, did he charge us anything?" "No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" "Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"
     

Share This Page