╚ ⚫ JADE CAPRI- JOKE OF THE DAY 6/18

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Jade Capri, Feb 7, 2011.

  1. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
     
  2. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    “Son, I found a condom in your room.”



    “Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”



    “Why are you calling me Grandpa?”



    “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
     
  3. willowlove
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    willowlove Well-Known Member

    Hahahaha this one is perfect! I love jokes that are original and new!
     
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  4. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A deaf man, a blind man and a disabled man heard a rumor that God came down to a mountaintop to solve people's problems. They all went to find out if it was true. God asked the deaf man, "Can I help you, son?" The man signed that he would be so happy if he could get his hearing back. God touched the man and suddenly he could hear. God then touched the blind man and he was able to see. The third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted. The man drew back and yelled, "Don't lay one finger on me. I'm on disability!"
     
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  5. :D image.jpg
    Made me smile! :D:D:D:D:D
     
  6. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    The myth about blacks having big penises is true. And Asians have small eyes because you have to squint to see their penis.
     
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  7. cinnamon
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    cinnamon Making Memories, You'll Never Forget!!!

    Who likes to be Fisted??? A Sock Puppet!
     
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  8. Haha, and in my case John, it is true.
     
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  9. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish I could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "I wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars."
     
  10. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"
     
  11. One evening Superman wanted to go out and party but neither Batman nor Spider-Man would join in. So off he flew and soon came to Wonderwoman's house. With his x-Ray vision he could see that she was lying naked in bed with her legs wide apart. If I am really quick, he thought, perhaps she won't even notice me doing her. So he flew through the roof, had his way with her in a tenth of a second and flew off again.
    What was that? said Wonderwoman.
    No idea, said the Invisible Man, but it sure hurt my ass!
     
  12. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work."Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
     
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  13. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel?

    A: She was trying to blow the horn!
     
  14. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

    After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

    The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
     
  15. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A 777 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''
     
  16. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
     
  17. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She re- marries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
     
  18. Little Mary goes to catholic school and one day in class the nun asks the children what they want to be when they grow up. Johnny wants to be an astronaut and Jimmy wants to run his own business like his dad.
    - and what would you like to be Mary when you grow up? asks the nun.
    - a prostitute, says Mary.
    - o begorrah what did you say child? asks the nun shocked
    - a prostitute, replies Mary again
    - o thank goodness, the lord be praised, says the nun, I thought for a minute there you said you wanted to be a Protestant!
     
  19. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: What happened when Tyrone fell into a vat of coloring?

    A: Ty died.:D:D:rolleyes:
     
  20. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read, "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
    Not to be outdone, the madame of the brothel across the street had her girls respond with a banner too saying,"Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."
     
  21. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took our phone book!"
     
  22. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”
     
  23. willowlove
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    willowlove Well-Known Member

  24. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. "That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
    "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
    "Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
    A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
    The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
     
  25. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I`ve never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"
     
  26. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late. The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down.
    Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied, "Sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane."
    Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied, "No sir, I am Abbey Lane."
     
  27. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Chocolate Better than Sex?
    1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
    2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
    3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
    4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
    5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
    6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
    7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
    8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
    9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
    10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
    11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
    12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
     
  28. willowlove
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    willowlove Well-Known Member

    I'm going to write this down and keep it forever! :D:D
     
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  29. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or a flight attendant?
    A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
    A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
    And a flight attendant says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
     
  30. willowlove
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    willowlove Well-Known Member

    Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

    When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

    The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

    The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

    The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

    The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

    The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

    "Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"
     
  31. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!" With that, the baby pops right back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!" Moments later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger-- "How do you like that?"
     
  32. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"
     
  33. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    There was a farmer. He had a lot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, "Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, "I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"
     
  34. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"
     
  35. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    When her late husband’s will is read out, a widow learns he’s left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushes to change the inscription on her spouse’s tombstone. “Sorry, lady,” says the stone mason. “I inscribed “Rest in Peace” on your orders. I can’t change it now.” “Okay,” she replies grimly. “Just add, ‘Until We Meet Again.’”
     

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