╚ ⚫ JADE CAPRI- JOKE OF THE DAY 6/18

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Jade Capri, Feb 7, 2011.

  1. JadeCapri
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    After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to Fuck You, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us! Be strong, honey! I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey! I LOVE YOU TOO!=))


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  2. Mikejt
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    Mikejt Active Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  3. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    YIKES!

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  4. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  5. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol:
     
  6. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol: :shock:
     
  7. oedipus
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    oedipus Active Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol:
     
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  8. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    Yep... sometimes what you see is not what it is... :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  9. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    three men joke

    There were three stranded men walking down a sandy beach on a deserted island. They walk a little ways and find a magic lamp. So they decide since they are stranded that they might as well rub it. After they rub it a genie pops out and says each one has one wish.

    The first man wishes he was at home making love to his wife. POOF, he's gone

    The second man wishes that he was at his favorite strip club, drinking a beer with his friends. POOF, he's gone.

    The third man doesn't know what to do, so he thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, you know i really wish those two were back here to help me make my descision.

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
     
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  10. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
     
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  11. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    I love the joke

    Always Willing,

    Veronica
     
  12. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  13. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
     
  14. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    These are so awesome......Thanks doll.....
     
  15. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol: :lol: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :lol: :lol:
     
  16. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

    Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

    "Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
     
  17. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: funny John.
     
  18. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
     
  19. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
     
  20. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    haaaaaaa :mrgreen: :lol: post the joke you told Harold :mrgreen:
     
  21. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
     
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  22. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  23. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    LOL !!!! That was great! Xoxo :shock: [smilie=heart fill with love.gif]
     
  24. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    An old man and his grandson were sittin on the porch one day. The old mans lights a cigar and begins to enjoy it. The boy asks "grandpa, can I have a cigar?" to which the old man replies "son, can you pecker touch your asshole?" Confused the boy says "no, why" The old man says "then you are not old enough for a cigar"

    a while later, the old man opens the cooler and cracks a beer. the boy asks "grandpa, can i have a beer with you?"
    The old man replies "Son, can your pecker touch your asshole?" again the boy says "no"
    "then your not OLD ENOUGH to have a beer"

    The boy leaves the porch to go inside. A while later he returns to the porch with a plate of warm cookies.

    The old man asks "Son, can I have one of those cookies with you?"

    THe boy replies "Grandpa, can your pecker touch your asshole?"

    Old man "Why yes it can"

    the boy responds "Good, you can go fuck yourself, cuz Grandma said she made these cookies FOR ME!"

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  25. JadeCapri
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    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    To funny!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  26. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    well that 'be strong' speech backfired :shock: :lol: :lol:
     
  27. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    I'll give you some material. I wrote this one and posted it on 4 July but have since made revisions to it so its kind of new still.

    Your Courtesan might be too Hoohah (Hard Core Army) if ...

    She calls foreplay "prepping the objective."

    She conducts an AAR (After Action Report) after sex and every line-up.

    Her two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.

    Refers to virgins as FNG's (Fucking New Guys).

    When it comes to sex talk her catch phrase is "Baby I'm gonna FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) you big time !!"

    Her mustache is trimmed to Army regulation.

    Her definition of proper use of protection involves condoms and covering fire !

    Closely guards her 6 O'clock.

    Her BDSM party consists of zip ties, tear gas, and flash bang grenades.

    Her SM party consists of attaching your testicles to a Prick-19 field radio. Also she squats on an etool (locked ironically into a "hoe" type position) to poop on you.

    Her neglige is a slightly altered LBV (LBE for you pre-90's vets & combat equipment harness for you civilians).

    When people call her "Sir" by mistake, her response is "I'm not a dam officer ! I WORK for a living !!".

    For a dildo she simply puts a condom over the barrel of an unloaded M-4. Its the same reason she wishes the military had never phased out the M-14 !!

    All Marines instantly want to propose marriage to her and even Army soldiers think she looks "Hawt" :wink: after being in the field with no women in sight for 80-90 days.

    Keeps her sideburns trimmed to military regulation.

    She has beaten Rambo in arm wrestling and he won't accept her challenge to a shooting contest using M-60's.

    She thinks GI Jane was a pussy !!!
     
  28. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    These are my favourites but this:
    actually might be kind of sexy (though probably not super comfortable :D )
     
  29. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
    I LOVE IT... KEEP THE JOKES COMING... WE LOVE TO LAUGH! [smilie=heart fill with love.gif]
     
  30. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    Just depends (reminds me of a joke but in a sec) on a lot of things. Chief among them being how long she's worn it before you see her as those nylon straps aren't exactly silky smooth. There will be some serious chaffing going on there if you know what I'm saying !! LOL !!!

    Okay Big 10 Football joke.

    Joe Paterno was asked at a press conference if he preferred boxers or briefs. His answer: Depends

    Ding fries are done.
     
  31. redwood
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    redwood Well-Known Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    Today I was at the Love Ranch talking to Harold and Jade Capri and Harold said that coming every other day was perfect for him. So, I said , "It's better than being Santa Claus, cause he only comes once a year!" And they both said that should be the joke of the day, so here it is.
     
  32. Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    oldie but a goodie :lol:
     
  33. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
     
  34. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    haaaa... That was funny!!! :lol:
     
  35. JadeCapri
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    JadeCapri I am genuinely happy to meet you.

    Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

    Grandpa is a naughty boy :lol:
     

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