Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things? He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple. Two calves that will never become cows. A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere. A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything. Twenty nails that won't hold a board. A chest that won't hold linen. Two boobs that won't give milk. Two buns that won't feed anyone. A belly button that won't button. Two balls that won't roll. An ass that won't pull a plow. An organ that won't play music. A cock that won't crow.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children. Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."
One day some guys were doing a survey between "boxers" or "briefs". They went to a 25 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said briefs. They went to a 40 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said boxers. Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said "boxers" or briefs"? And the old man replied "depends?"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "Keep Christ in Christmas." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
An older guy goes to the doctor’s office to ask about getting a prescription for Viagra. He’s in the waiting room when the woman at the reception desk calls his name and says, for everyone to hear, “Mr. Herder, You’re here to see the doctor about your impotence, right?” The guy is mortified. “No,” he says, just as loudly. “I’m looking into getting a sex change operation, and I was hoping to get the same doctor who did yours.”
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.” Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me. A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.” Donald moved into the White House this month.
I just saw a hot mom at McDonald's spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground ...so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Q: Why do men name their penis? A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
Husband asked his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" She replied, "Because I don't like calling you at work."
A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!" All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
Q: What is Jockey calling their new underware for men experiencing nocturnal emissions? A: Dreamcatchers
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
A small boy went up to his mother and asked "Mom can you take apart a stripper?" Mom "What!" Boy "Can you take apart a stripper?" Mom " Of course not! Why do you ask?" Boy " I just heard Dad tell Uncle Billy that he screwed one of 'em ass off last night."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you." "No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man approached her and asked, "Why are you doing this? The blonde replied, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?" The man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine? The blonde replied, "But, I get dizzy in the washing machine!"
A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde. "I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde. "Is the cop still following me?" "Yep." "Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."
Results are In A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer ...than the men who mention it.
A man went to the market to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. There was a 50 foot display of hundreds of cards that astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir...they're called bullets!"
This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?" She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why not?" To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old. "The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. "What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. "I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." "I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off." "Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder." "Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you."
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." Email [email protected] Follow me on Twitter @KarlieKross69
Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, and couples have Valentine's day what do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
As an easy way to save money, a young couple decided that every time they have sex the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank on the nightstand. On Valentine's night, he was unusually athletic and accidentally knocked the piggy bank off the table and it broke into pieces on the floor. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten and even twenty dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the paper money?", to his wife which replied, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) A: "'Debbie'. . . that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
