Lucky. Blessed. Charmed. These are words I would not normally associate with myself. And by "not normally," I pretty much mean never. But recent events may have changed all that, beginning with a scavenger hunt contest in June and ending with the experience of a lifetime. A few days ago, I made my first-ever trip to the BunnyRanch. But my story is not a typical one. Far from it, in fact. When I won the EXXXOTICA Chicago Scavenger Hunt back in June 2015, my grand prize reward was a 3-day, 2-night, all-expenses-paid trip to the Moonlite BunnyRanch. Air travel, lodging, food - all complimentary of the house. Before you write this off as a skewed-reality version of a trip that would never apply to your own experience, I must point out the big exception to the "all-expenses-paid" rule: parties not included. I still had to assume full responsibility for funding any parties out of my own pocket. Still, with the worry of paying for anything else out of the way, that shouldn't be a problem... right? Jeez, you never realize just how much you pay in monthly bills/expenses until you have to save up for a trip to a legalized brothel. My attempts to save up money coupled with a busy summer schedule delayed my BunnyRanch trip until the first of October. I know I could've had more money to spend if I postponed the trip even longer, but I was finally through with all the waiting. The time had come to collect my prize. As promised, roundtrip flight tickets were arranged for me. When I landed at Reno/Tahoe International Airport, driver Ryan was waiting for me. As we journeyed from Reno to Carson City, I began to get really nervous. Where was I gonna be staying? I was told there were suites on property, but I had no idea what that meant or what to expect. Was I gonna be sleeping in a room right next to the Bunnies? That would be awkward as hell, especially when they were entertaining clients. After what felt like an eternity in that car, we pulled into the final approach down Moonlite Rd. Whoa, I know this! They showed this road and those silly signs in all the early episodes of Cathouse! When I stepped out of the car, Ryan instructed me to ring the buzzer while he got my luggage out of the trunk. Here's where I made my first mistake: I rang the buzzer once. Y'all know what that means. Still anxious about learning my living situation, I was taken aback by the line-up of girls that gradually formed in front of me. Having already chatted with Sarah Greenmore online in the weeks prior, I chose her while trying to remember all the names that were just thrown at me in the line-up. At the Bunny Bar, Sarah and I were joined by Abby May, dressed only in a robe since she just finished a party. After talking a few minutes, I noticed some of the staff taking my luggage around a corner. Where were they going?! The suspense was killing me. Sarah and Abby offered to give me a tour. After a quick stop at the Wet Room which I was rather curious about, Sarah and Abby escorted me to the private bungalow suites. Apparently, unless your party includes a trip to the pool, this area is off-limits to anybody who isn't a Bunny, staff, or invited guest. As we walked, Abby said I was being put up in something called the "Giraffe Room." When we reached the room and stepped inside, my brain nearly exploded. My room accommodations for the trip was a massive suite tricked out with HDTV's, giant bed, couch, kitchenette, bathroom with rainfall shower, fireplace, stereo system... and a 4-foot-tall carved statue of a giraffe standing in the corner of the main room. Sarah and Abby showed me around the room before leaving me alone to unwind, unpack, and try to process all of this insanity. But it doesn't stop there! When I returned to the main house, I introduced myself to Brandy at the clerk's office. She stepped out to give me a tour of the Bunny Bar, parlor, and front lobby. And then things got really nuts. Brandy took me to the dining area and kitchen, where she explained the invited guest perk that excited me the most: FREE FOOD!!! For the entire duration of my stay, I had full access to the kitchen fridge, soup burner, sandwich bar, and the daily meal station. Non-alcoholic drinks were readily available at the bar. What about booze? A handful of free drink tokens answered that question. My head was seriously spinning by the time we returned to the clerk's office. I decided I could use some alone time with Sarah and Abby. Unfortunately, Brandy informed me that Abby had already left for the night. Curses! But Sarah was free, so we went to her room for a proper debrief of the day's events. I won't go into those details, since you can read about my adventures with Sarah Greenmore in that thread. Friday October 2nd was my only full day at the BunnyRanch, so I was determined to make the most of it. First order of business was brunch, but not before meeting day clerk Danielle. She urged me to grab some grub. Didn't need the reminder, but her friendliness was much appreciated. After preparing my plate of veggie scramble, sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy, I took a seat in the dining room. It wasn't long before Bella Donna walked in to grab her own bite to eat. I had fun getting to know her as we talked about ranch life, secret identities, and the (then still developing) news of the UCC shooting in Oregon. Getting to know Bella was a delight, for she is as down to Earth as she is gorgeous. From there, I ventured outside to take some photos of the ranch. My eyes were quickly drawn to the horse stable. Watching those horses stroll and play in the dirt was one of the most peaceful moments that I've ever experienced. I must've spent at least a half hour just leaning on that fence, watching them frolic under the bright Nevada sun. Back inside, I got to know bartender Glen. Very cool dude, easy to get along with. I was impressed with the mellow atmosphere of the Bunny Bar. Music wasn't too loud, lack of TV's encouraged conversation between patrons. I don't drink regularly, so I was surprised by how much time I ended up spending at that bar. It was there that I was introduced to Jenny Jade. This girl is a grade A cutie. Jenny's online pics are great, but they simply don't do justice to how adorable she is in person. As daytime neared its end, I did some suntanning by the pool while reading a book. It's safe to say I did not see that coming, but it was so damn relaxing. As the day wound down, I took Sarah's advice and admired the sunset from just outside the stables. Pretty damn magnificent. Come nightfall, it was finally time for my party appointment with Sarah. When I returned to the parlor, Dennis Hof was sitting there with several Bunnies around him (natch), as well as his pet dog Domino. I thanked Dennis profusely for everything. He was quite gracious and genuinely interested in making sure my stay was perfect. Sarah met me in the parlor, and we took off for the climactic finale of my BunnyRanch trip. Afterwards, I was starving. Back to the kitchen for Friday's specials of tacos, taquitos, and enchiladas. Brandy informed me that NYCPHOTOG wanted to take some photos of the contest winner. She asked for my consent, and I immediately agreed. Sarah came back out to pose with me for the photos. Once that was done, it was almost time for Sarah to head home. We said our goodbyes before she headed back to her room. Until we meet again, Sarah! This was followed by more time at the Bunny Bar, where bartender Greg kept me plied with Jack and Cokes. It wasn't long before Tiffany Summers sat at the bar for a beer. We got to talking, and I was surprised to learn just how new she is to the ranch. We talked for quite a while over Blue Moons and JD's. A total sweetheart, Tiffany is equally super friendly and stunningly pretty. A line-up call was my cue to part ways and head back to my room to pack. An 8:00 AM flight home was quickly approaching. My time at the BunnyRanch was almost at an end. Once my bags were packed, I had enough time for one last meal. Heated up some breakfast and took a seat in the dining room. At 4 AM, the house was pretty quiet... until Pantera and Jenny Jade made a quick pit stop in the kitchen. The whole time they were there, I heard this loud beeping noise which occasionally sped up or slowed down. Before my departure, I learned that they were "hunting for ghosts," which involved a ghost-tracking app on Jenny's phone. Like I said before, adorable. By this time, Ryan was ready to drive me back to the airport. I retrieved my bags and said goodbye to the Giraffe Room one last time. Walking back past the pool, I waved farewell to Domino as he patrolled the grounds. As we passed through the parlor, I stopped to thank Brandy one last time for all of her help. Jenny was also there. Even though we never partied together, I didn't want to leave without bidding her farewell too. I stuck my hand out for a handshake, which prompted this response from Jenny: "No, don't shake my hand." She walked right past my outstretched hand and gave me a tight hug. ADORABLE. Out the door, in the car, and back to RNO airport. Having pulled an all-nighter, it was a struggle for me to stay awake. But I didn't wanna leave Ryan hanging on our conversation, so I powered through it. One flight back to Chicago later, and my journey was officially over. My apologies for the ridiculously extreme length of this report. I struggled with how much detail I wanted to go into. Eventually, I decided every single minute of my experience was something I'll cherish forever, so I couldn't edit any of it out. If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading. To the entire staff of the BunnyRanch, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. Every member of the staff went out of their way to make me feel comfortable, relaxed, and right at home. Same goes for the Bunnies, especially the lovely ladies I highlighted above. Any misconceptions I ever had about stuck-up, pretentious divas could not have been more wrong. What I observed was a kind, loving community that was a pure joy to immerse myself in. And in case you still think my experience was skewed reality because I won a contest, believe me when I say every client I met was treated with the same level of respect. The BunnyRanch is one of the most magical places I've ever spent time in, and I will happily return some day as a regular Joe.
Aww, thank you! But now I'm ashamed to ask: did we meet while I was there? I thought I remembered everything, but now I'm not so sure. Pretty sure I'm about to feel lile a total ass any minute now.
Well, when you catch the ghost, you can stand tall and shove it in our faces! Until then, I'll continue to find it too damn cute and endearing.
SO GLAD YOU ENJOY'ED YOURSELF AND YOUR TRIP NEXT TIME YOU COME PLEASE VISIT US OVER HERE AT THE LOVE RANCH NORTH
