@Lunch Buffett just completed a three year study of the mating habits of the hermit crab and realized the hermit crab gets more nookie than he does!
@BigAlbowski walked by fishing boats that caught hermit crabs every day on his way to work. He could sense how they were suffering and wanted to free them. So on a dark and stormy night, Al snuck up to the boats to cut down the fishing nets. Suddenly, a freak strike of ball lightning enveloped both the crabs and Al. Writhing in agony, he fell into the nets and somehow merged with his arthropodic brethren. And now, amidst the dark waters of the docks, justice has a new face - the face of . . . Crab-Man! P.S. Actually, Crab-Man's tough outer shell makes him a formidable opponent. But whenever he bursts onto a crime scene, his only tagline is "Stop, evil-doers! Or face my Pincers of Judgement!" , and nobody can take him seriously. P.P.S. This setup reminds me of the movie Darkman. Not only is it fun, but it's also one of the first to do a superhero story right. Definitely worth your time.
@Jim DiGriz spends at least an hour a day writing fan fiction for the shows "Arrow", "Flash", and "Supergirl" and is having a viewing party for the start of the CWs "Crisis on Infinite Earths" premiere this Sunday!
Big Albowski investigated the crisis on infinite earths and found out that every Kardashian in all dimensions ran out of makeup at the same time. There's not enough beer to compensate for having to look at makeup-less reality stars.
@Lunch Buffett keenly observed that most reality shows take a bunch of unknowns and get them to treat each other terribly for a prize. Since they're unknown they get paid very little and the prize they get is tiny for a major studio. Since the cost is low and they're easy to make, reality shows make a nice profit. Lunch wanted to make his own reality show but couldn't figure out how to undercut the competition on cost. He couldn't pay the participants less than they were already getting, so he had to have a prize that didn't actually cost him anything. And then he had his epiphany - he'd give the winner an entry on someone else's reality show and keep the difference for himself! At first things went well because Lunch was raking in cash. But then people started copying his idea and he lost market share. Eventually other shows starting giving away entry to his show as a prize. Finally things got so intertwined that you had shows like "A Real World Bachelor in a Shark Tank", and Lunch had to walk away.
@Jim DiGriz is suing the makers of FaBreeze air spray claiming it made his vestigial tail grow three feet since using.... Even though he has discovered a new love of swinging through trees!
I expect the ladies will excuse my small vulgarity here: @BigAlbowski is partly correct. That is, I do indeed have a three foot appendage. However, it's not dorsal - it's at the front. And as far as swinging from trees - well, let's just say there's a different kind of wood involved.
A wealthy businessman sent Christmas presents to all the children in town using the US Postal Service. Due to a routing error, the presents ended up on a transport going to Finland. Jim DiGriz noticed the error and had the presents transferred to the correct transport, saving Christmas for every child in the town.
@Lunch Buffett has been arrested five times for charging into a WWE ring to attack Triple H because of his marrying Stephanie McMahon... He has been crushing on her for years!!
Big Albowski spends his free time getting stung by insects and bitten by snakes in order to create a 30 point pain index. He'll do anything for science!
@Lunch Buffett was bitten by neither an insect or a snake, but a spider. He found that he had the ability to stick to things and sense danger and decided to use his powers to fight crime. He'd already made a costume and was deciding on a good name (Sticky Guy? Danger Sensing Man?) when his friends pointed out that this was not a good idea, to wit: He could stick to things, but that's because he forgot to wash his hands after 2-for-1 donut day and got eclair filling on his fingertips. And while it's certainly polite to get out of the way when someone shouts "Fore!", it technically doesn't count as a superpower. And so Lunch gave up on his plans to be a superhero. (But he did keep the costume, because damn if he doesn't look good in a skintight outfit!)
@Jim DiGriz makes giant windmills from discarded aluminium cans and provides half of his area's electrical power needs
@BigAlbowski liked Lunch Buffett's use of wrestling to impress his love interest and decided to enter the ring to impress his own lady. WWE had open tryouts and Big Al got paired with Meaty Matt, WWE's rising star. He wanted to end the match quickly and came at Meaty Matt with a flying clothesline. But he slipped in a puddle of body oil from a previous wrestler and his feet went flying out from underneath him. His momentum carried him forward and he was still able to deliver the clothesline, albeit lower than Matt's throat. Or his chest. Or his abdomen. Writhing in agony at having lost the match (as well as his ability to sire children), Matt dropped to the canvas. Big Al raised his hands in triumph, both a scholar and a warrior. (Nobody had the heart to tell him that his lady fair had been watching the Home Shopping Network and missed the whole thing)
Jim DiGriz owns a lawn chair manufacturing business. He was doing well, but found selling lawn chairs to be too tedious. Then one day, he paid a musician to yell "Hey Siri, buy me a Jim DiGriz lawn chair!" into his microphone at a well attended concert. Sales improved immediately.
@Lunch Buffett was all set to make his own Almond milk but gave up when he couldn't find their nipples!
@RoxyGold also wanted the secret of creating fruit that tasted like lemonade, but it was no idle interest. Her employer, who was so feared that he was known only by his pseudonym, had found that Happy Time Foods was in the final stages of its creation. They wouldn't need sugar or expensive mixing equipment anymore, and could wipe out the competition. And then they'd take over the entire beverage market. Equal parts spy and seductress, Roxy targeted Happy Time employees for their security credentials. A voiceprint here, lifting a fingerprint there, and occasionally implanting keylogging software to capture IDs and passwords. She used those credentials to penetrate their research facility in broad daylight (because only rookies break in at night when armed guards are making their rounds) and wirelessly upload their data to a remote storage facility. After applying her employer's CHIMERA virus to ever-so-slightly modify their data, Roxy vanished. Weeks later, Happy Time began mass producing their lemonade fruit. In all respects, it gave quality lemonade. Except the only thing the fruit would produce was pink lemonade. Having sunk tens of millions of dollars into research for a product that was only 5% of the market, Happy Time could not recoup their costs and went belly-up. And as a bunch of talking heads on news programs gave their "expert" opinions on how they knew Happy Time was going to fail all along, The Falcon sat behind a bank of computer monitors . . . and smiled.
@Jim DiGriz is currently strapped under Santa's sleigh with a wrench and is tasked with keeping the struts holding the runners nice and tight!
@BigAlbowski was supposed to remind Santa to unstrap me before he went out to deliver presents. Before. Santa never got the message, so I spent Christmas Eve underneath a sleigh. (You know what that part of the sleigh is like when the roof is too steep and Santa has to land in the snow? Yeah - multiply that by 250,000 "gifts of yuletide".)
@Jim DiGriz is currently sipping pina coladas in Jamaica after working hard on Santa's sleigh... Though is contractually obligated to wear the elf hat until the end of January and keeps getting strange looks on the beach!
@Slider found the secret to the perfect night's sleep... facedown with butt in the air and listening to Vivaldi on high volume!
Big Albowski was arrested for selling champagne party poppers without warning people not to point them at their face. Who knew that was illegal?
@Lunch Buffett was the hit of his New Year's Eve party when he made the tongue-twister: "Champagne party poppers, preferred pragmatically!"
After attending a new age seminar on militant self-affirmation, @Jim DiGriz came to realize that his lack of having any kind of proper penis (or discernable ballsack) could easily be counterbalanced by simply being a good, compassionate person, living a gluten-free lifestyle, and undergoing a full genital transplant.
@Slider bought 25 of the most realistic sex dolls in schoolgirl uniforms and set up a home classroom to have teacher/schoolgirl fantasy on a daily basis and with variety!
@BigAlbowski is actually an exceptionally refined, genteel man. He is diligent to exfoliate his gonads bi-monthly, owns a chamber pot adorned with quotations from 19th century lesbian poets of color, and reportedly scratches himself regularly with an ostrich plume of respectable vintage.
@Slider has an adult sized Rocking Horse and dresses as the Lone Ranger when riding and with the William Tell Overture playing at maximum volume!
To protest California's ban on alligator products, Big Albowski hosts alligator barbeque cook offs at random places within the state. As usual, PETA has denounced his actions. Louisiana has given him the Brown Pelican of Fortitude, the state's highest award.
@Lunch Buffett once angered the members of Journey, when, for a brief moment in 2015, he stopped believin'. . .
@Slider is actually ZZ Top vocalist and guitarist Billy Gibbons and wrote "Sharp Dressed Man" as an ode to himself!
Big Albowski works as a cheese inspector for the Federal government. He's tasked with enforcing 21 USC §331, 333 & 21 CFR §133.146(d)(4)(i) which make it a crime to sell "shredded" cheese unless the particles of cheese are in cylinders, shreds, or strings. But if they're chip-shaped it can be called "chipped" or "chopped" cheese. @CrimeADay
@Lunch Buffett insists on getting silver crowns for his teeth so he can bite werewolves back if needed!
Last night, @BigAlbowski was so angered by @Lunch Buffett's "outing" him as a cheese inspector, he actually found out where Lunch lives, went to his apartment and started buffeting him about the head and neck with a grater! Thankfully, LB's injuries weren't life-threatening. He's now resting comfortably in a semi-private room at Our Lady of Provolone. . .
