A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

A blonde crashes her car into a wall. Cop comes over and asks her what happened. She says "I saw a tree and I swerved to avoid it and saw another tree and swerved to avoid it and saw another tree and swerved and hit a wall."

The cop says "There's no trees in this area for 10 miles, that was your fucking air freshener."

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

Chili

One day, a blonde woman had just taken her seat in first class on a plane to start her trip to Europe. Just as she sat down, a flight attendant brought in a parrot. After the attendant placed the parrot next to the blond, the flight attendant began her safety announcement prior to takeoff. In a few moments, the plane eventually took off and reached cruising altitude.

As the flight attendant took drink orders in first class, the blond said, "I'll have a 7 and 7", while the parrot said, "Scotch on the rocks."

A few moments later, the flight attendant brought both drinks out. While the blond was happy with her 7 and 7, the parrot's cup had no ice in it.

"Hey, lady," squawked the parrot. "You forgot the ice, you stupid cow!"

Obviously flustered, the flight attendant brought the parrot another scotch. Unfortunately, there was only one ice cube floating in the cup.

"Hey, idiot," the parrot squawked again. "I said, 'Scotch on the ROCKS.' This is just a measly ice cube. Get it right, will ya?"

Immediately, the flight attendant brought the parrot a cup of scotch on the rocks. The blond, seeing this event, decided to press her luck.

"Hey, you stupid fool," the blonde yelled. "This 7 and 7 is lukewarm. I want another one that's cold."

Instead of the flight attendant, the captain of the plane, a burly man, opened the door of the plane and threw both out, before shutting it.

As the blonde fell, the parrot flapped his wings and said to the blonde, "You know, you've got a BIG mouth for someone who can't fly."

Why do blondes smile during a lightening strike: They think their having their picture taken.

Why do blondes smile during a lightening strike: They think their having their picture taken.

Sorry if this offends ...I was told to put this one up....

Q: what do you get when you flip a blonde over?

A: a brunette with bad breath!

Here's one that was sent to me



A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry! She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!" "Shut up," she says, "You're next."

Here's another blonde joke.

One day, there was a waiter at a restaurant that was enjoying a rare quiet time when there were no customers. Then he sees a blonde woman walking with a horse up to the door of the restaurant and enters with the horse.

"Miss," the waiter says, "there are no animals allowed inside this establishment."

"I'm an intelligent animal," the horse replies, "You CAN speak to me."

To say that the waiter is flabbergasted is an understatement. Slowly regaining his composure, the waiter leads the mismatched couple to their table.
The blonde looks at the menu, then says, "I'll have a cheesburger, fries, and a Coke."

The horse replies, "Me too."

After a few moments, the waiter brings both of them their meals, then says, "It'll be $14.75 for your meals." Without blinking, the woman reaches into her purse and pulls out $14.75 in exact change.

The next day, the waiter is enjoying a slow day when the blonde and the horse enter again. After leading them to their table, the blonde again orders the cheeseburger, fries and Coke, while the horse says, "Me too." When the waiter brings both of them their meals, he repeats the exact amount, $14.75 and the blonde gives him exact change from her purse.

The day after next, the waiter sees the blonde enter with the horse into his restaurant again. After bringing them to their table, the blonde says, "I'm in the mood for something different. I'll have a dirty martini to start with Grey Goose vodka, surf and turf, a loaded baked potato and key lime pie for dessert."

The horse says, "Me too."

After the waiter brings out their meals, he says, "The bill is $98.50." Immediately, the blonde reaches into her purse and pulls out $98.50 in exact change.

Curious, the waiter asks, "I know I shouldn't pry, but just how are you able to pay me in exact change every time."
"Well," the blonde says, "It's a long story. One day, while I was on the beach, I came across this dark, ancient bottle stopped up with a cork. When I removed the cork, a genie materialized. He said, 'Because you have freed me from my prison of 3000 years, I am obligated to grant two of your wishes. So my first wish was that whenever I wanted to buy anything, my purse would have the exact amount. The genie waved his hands over my purse, then said, 'It is done.' "

The waiter muses on that and agrees that it was a good wish. Then he asks, "But why do you always walk with a horse?"

"Well," the blonde "That was due to my second wish. I wanted a handsome stallion that was intelligent with a firm, round butt; well hung; and would agree with everything I said."

Hope you enjoy the New Year!

Blondeback Mountain


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Here's one I found on the World Wide Web.

The popular blond cheerleader entered the local card shop, looked around for a moment, then asked the clerk, "Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?"

"Well," the clerk said, "we've got a new card in. It's inscribed with, 'To The Boy Who Got My Cherry.'"

"Wow, neat," the blond squealed, "I'll take a whole box of those!"

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

“The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven

Oh blondes lol

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

Here's another blond joke. Be warned, it's a VERY bad pun.

One day, a bartender was having a slow day. As he's standing, waiting, a man walks into the bar.

The bartender notes that the man is young and well-muscled, but the strange thing is that the man's head is the size of an orange. After the man sits down and asks for a drink, the bartender immediately gets it for him. After the bartender stares at the man for a few moments, the other man sighs and says, "I suppose you want to know how I got this."

"Yeah," the bartender says. "How did this happen?"

"Well," the other man says, "I was just like any 60 year old man who was walking around a beach when I felt my foot hit something on the ground. Curious, I looked down and saw it was a dark bottle with a cork. After trying to look inside, I decided to remove the cork and pour what was in the bottle on the ground. After I removed the cork, a large cloud of smoke appeared, and a beautiful blonde genie in harem pants and a scarlet bra was kneeling on the ground.

'Because you have released me from this bottle,' the genie said, 'I am obligated to grant you three wishes.'

'Yeah, right,' I replied sarcastically. 'Sure, and I wish I could be 20 again.'

Suddenly, the genie raised her arms and I felt a tingle over my skin. I saw my hands become younger. Reaching for a mirror, I saw that I had turned back to 20 years old.

'Okay,' I said. 'Can you give me a well muscled body and a cock that will always stay hard as well?'

The genie raised her arms and I felt another tingle over my body. Suddenly, my arms were as well muscled as Arnold Schwarznegger and I felt a real tight sensation in my groin. I knew she had granted my second wish.'"

"So how does this explain your..." the bartender interrupted.

"I'm getting to it," the other man said. "Try to understand, this genie had the body of a Playboy Playmate or Tamela Lee at the Bunny Ranch. She was that stunning. So, that led me to make my third request."

"And that was?"

The other man sighed and said, "I asked, 'How about a little head?'"

Hey, I DID warn you. Don't blame me if you ignored it.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

So Much Snow



One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."
Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet

As the airliner pushes back from the gate, the flight attendant gives the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts and safety, concluding with, "Please sit back and enjoy your trip, while your blonde captain, Martha Sperling, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe, a business man sitting in the eighth row, thinks to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a blondie? I'd better get a scotch and soda."

When the attendants come by with the drink cart, Joe asks one of them, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Of course," replies the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew on this craft is made up of blonde females."

"Oh great," Joe says, "I'd better have a double. I don't know what to think of those blondes up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," the flight attendant says. "We no longer call it the cockpit. Instead, it's now the box office."

One day in New York City, there was a party at an apartment building. The nervous blond hostess eagerly watched the guests, wanting to make sure the function was a success.

While observing the other partiers, a rugged, handsome Texan comes up to her and says, "Ma'am, I need a piece of ass."

Being a good hostess, the blonde takes the man aside to a private bedroom where they both strip off their clothes and make mad passionate love for about half and hour. After they are finished, the Texan gets up from the bed and says, "Ma'am, you're quite neigborly for a Yankee, but whut I wanted was a piece of ass for my drink."

[For those who don't get the joke, pronounce 'ice' with a deep Southern accent.]

Here's a BAD blond joke.

Al: How do you get a blond pregnant?

Sal: How?

Al: Geeze! And they say blondes are DUMB!

Why can't a blonde get a driver's license?

Because every time the instructor says, "Let's park", the blonde always jumps into the back seat.

:shock: Your not supposed to do that?

You're too funny Tamela!!

Here's one with an intelligent blonde...

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Blonde Inventions:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

Blonde Inventions:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

Number 7 sounds particularly painful!

What is the difference between a blonde and a McDonald's?

A blonde serves more people in a night.

(Just kidding, Tamela and the other blondes at the Ranch! I'm only kidding!)

What two initials does a blond put in front of her last name to become more popular with guys?

B. J.

[Okay, Cami and Tamela, I'm only kidding! ]

There was a chemistry student working in an amusement park for the summer. His work area was next to a pond. One day, a blonde woman and her boyfriend walk past the pond. She asks the chemistry student, "What is the water in that pond made out of?"

The chemistry student apparently bemused, replies, "Well, it is made out of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen."

For a moment, the blonde woman is stunned. Then she turns to her boyfriend and says,

"See, I told you it wasn't real."

Here's another dumb blonde joke that might get me banned by Tamela and the rest.

One day, there was this woman in a veterinarian's office who was taking care of an important client's dog. When she left him unattended for a moment, the dog had wandered away and lapped up some antifreeze that someone had spilled in the parking lot. Going straight to her boss, the veterinarian ordered a unique treatment, an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka.

"Go buy me the cheapest bottle you can find," the vet ordered.

At the liquor store, the woman felt uneasy about buying cheap booze so early in the day, so she decided to explain things to the clerk. When she went up to pay, she said, "Believe it or not, this is for a sick dog."

After she paid, a homeless man with dirty blond hair came up with two bottles of Thunderbird to the clerk.

He said, "These are for my cats."

Well, Tamela, they say that men always get into trouble when they get a little pussy.

Okay, Tamela, here's another blond joke for you. [I know, I'm pushing my luck, aren't I?]

In downtown Dallas, on Commerce Street, there is a hotel called the Adolphus, named after Adolphus Busch. The reason he built the hotel in 1912 was that the Dallas city founders wanted a luxury hotel worthy of the Lone Star State. [Yes, Tamela, it is 100 years old.] Until the Omni Hotel recently opened up, many people holding conventions in the Dallas Convention Center stayed at the Adolphus.

One day, as I entered the lobby of the hotel to get myself a cup of coffee upstairs at the Bistro, I shot a glance at the front desk and saw an attractive blond receptionist who was helping someone in a suit, obviously a conventioneer.

According to what I've heard, when a person hands over his credit card to a desk clerk, the clerk takes a quick peek at the card to see the guest's last name and addresses him or her by it. So it wasn't out of the ordinary when I heard the blond say, "Welcome to the Adolphus, Mr. Bell."

What nearly made me guffaw out loud was his response.

"Don't be so formal, Miss. Please, just call me Taco."

[All right, Tamela. What do you prescribe as the just punishment for this joke?]

Lying on the ground is a $100 bill. Four things are 100 feet away from it; they are a unicorn, a dragon, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde.

Which of the four will be the first to pick up the money?

None of them. The first three are mythological creatures while the dumb blonde thinks the bill is a candy wrapper.

Here's a blonde joke with a twist...

One day, in Washington D.C. , there was a ball at a South American embassy. A near-sighted diplomat had just arrived and was mingling with the guests. As the orchestra struck up a tune, the diplomat felt he should be the first to start up the dancing. Accordingly, he walked up to a figure clad in red and said, "Beautiful lady in scarlet, would you do me the honor of dancing a waltz with me?"

"Certainly not!" came the reply. "In the first place, this is not a waltz, but a tango. And second, get your eyes checked... because although I AM a blond, I'm not a lady in scarlet. I'm the papal nuncio."

[If you don't get the last words, Tamela, a papal nuncio is an ecclesiastical diplomatic title in the Catholic Church. It comes from the Latin word, nuntius, meaning 'envoy'. They are the equivalent of diplomats in most countries.]

One day, there was an Arabian sheik that had a blonde stockbroker in his employ. Now, despite what others might think, the stockbroker was always making record profits for the sheik. So pleased was he, that the sheik offered the blonde stockbroker gold, diamonds, and even a silver-plated Rolls-Royce. She declined the gifts, saying that she was just doing her job.

But the sheik insisted on giving her a reward.

"All right," said the blonde, "I've recently taken up golf. A set of golf clubs would be a fine gift."

Weeks went by. For two months, the blonde assumed the sheik had forgotten all about her. The next day, she found a letter from the sheik in her mailbox and opened it.

"So far, I have bought you three golf clubs," said the sheik. "I hope you will not be disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools."

Here's the last one I'll post on this thread (much to everyone's relief).

One day, Quasimodo (the Hunch-back of Notre Dame) was getting tired of ringing the cathedral bells every day. But his employers wouldn't let him go until he found someone to take his place. Quasimodo then puts a Help Wanted ad in the newspaper, telling the potential recruit to show up at the steps of Notre Dame at 9:00 a.m.

The next day, Quasimodo looks down at the steps of Notre Dame and sees someone with blonde hair standing there. As Quasimodo climbs down from the bell tower and arrives at the steps, he notices two things.

First, it's a blonde female. Second, she only has one arm.

Quasimodo skeptically looks over the female, then says, "You sure you want to take this job? It's a pretty strenuous gig."

The blonde retorts, "Just give me a chance. I can ring any bell."

Giving her an arch look, Quasimodo leads the woman up a flight of stairs to a small bell.

"Okay, hot shot," Quasimodo replies, "this is our smallest bell. Ring it."

The woman grabs the bell rope with her good arm, then lifts a part of the rope to her mouth and starts ringing like crazy. Quasimodo's completely impressed... until the woman swings a bit too much, then falls down to the floor. Immeidately, Quasimodo rushes to her side, saying, "You okay, lady?"

The blond dusts herself off, then nods furiously.

"Look," Quasimodo says, "I think you're just not cut out for this job."

"Give me another chance," she pleads and forms her face into a pleading pout.

Seeing her delicate pout, Quasimodo relents. Leading her up the stairs to the very top, he takes her to the largest bell in the cathedral.

"This is your last chance," Quasimodo says. "If you can ring this bell without falling, you have the job."

As before, the woman grabs the bell rope with her good arm, then puts a part of the bell rope in mouth, and starts ringing away. If Quasimodo was impressed before, he's completely stunned by the woman's latest performance. Unfortunately, as the blonde is ringing the bell, she pulls a bit too much, and is swung by the rope off the bell tower... and falls to the street below.

Quasimodo rushes down the steps and tries to help the woman, but she's gravely injured.

Eventually, the gerndames come along with the medical examiner. One of the gerndames asks Quasimodo, "Monsieur, there is no identification on the woman. Did she tell you her name?"

"I didn't catch her name, Quasimodo says, "but...."


[I suppose you've already guessed the punchline. If not, it's....]


"her face sure rings a bell."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."

The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."

The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."

The brunette cut in "You cant use Jack Daniels. Thats a hard liquor."

A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"

Here's a joke about a dumb blonde... with a twist. Be warned, it's a BAD pun.

One day, a redheaded nymphomaniac walked into a neighborhood bar. She noticed a blonde male sitting at the bar, drinking beer.

To the redhead, he was everything she wanted in a man. He was attractive, well-muscled, and had no ring on his finger. The redhead went to the bartender and ordered a drink from him. She asked the bartender, "What's that guy (pointing to the blonde man) do for a living?"

"He's an auto mechanic."

After thanking and tipping the bartender, the redhead sat down next to the blond and said in her most seductive tone, "I need someone to fix my itchy pussy. It's redlining!"

Instead of replying with another comment, the blonde man stared at the redhead in complete puzzlement.

"What's wrong," asked the redhead. She was completely baffled why he hadn't taken the bait.

"Well, ma'am," said the blonde, "I'm a good mechanic, but only with cars made in the U.S.A. I really don't understand how to fix those Japanese ones."


(Hey, I said it was bad, didn't I?)

these are hilarious! Hey - blondes may be dumb, but we definitely have more fun!