The genesis of this trip started a mere 3 hours after arriving home
from "The Saint Pats Party". MR60% and I had just survived a drive
across a frozen wasteland that my GPS kept insisting was Interstate 80
( I still have my doubts). As we sat in my truck, enjoying the fact
that we no longer had to worry about killing and eating one another for
sustenance in the event of a breakdown at the summit, we started
talking about the weekend , and how it had just gone by way too
fast....(for a complete rundown of said weekend please refer to the
review..."I did it all for love..Kimberly Love"...I'm pretty sure
everyone has read it, as it has become a part of brothel legend... I
only mention it for those folks who may be just getting released from
prison or perhaps waking from a prolonged coma)

These trips usually do seem to fly by, but this one in particular went
by really fast, mainly because we had met two wonderful women that we
had made an immediate connection with. MR60% was head over heels for
his "Mocha Queen" Malika and for the better part of two days I was a
permanent fixture at Kimberly Love's side. In fact our close proximity
to one another left several curious onlookers to wonder if we were in
fact some sort of rare Siamese twins...one short and bald...the other
incredibly attractive.

Mr60 had just uttered the words "Man I wish we could go back next
month", when I was struck by a moment of clarity..."um there's no law
that says we can't" I replied. From those 8 little words a plan was
forged.

I would drive up by myself on Friday April 13th, Mr60 would follow me
up on Saturday. Not because he is a superstitious pussy, but because
he had to work. I decided to message Kimberly and let her know of our
impending journey. For those of you who have met me I'm sure you can
understand her unabashed excitement. Coincidentally, the weekend of
our trip, coincided with Kimberly, Ruby Rae and Katrina Marie's one
year anniversary party. Which kinda upped the excitement factor a
couple notches. Kimberly even offered to let me stay in the guest room
the night of our party. This was not something she had to do and
honestly, I really appreciated it.

Now as anyone who has ever read any of my reviews knows, our trips to
the ranch have one common theme, WEATHER....none of it good.
Fortunately, or so I assumed, this trip would be taking place in the
middle of April. I asked myself, "self?...seriously,...it's April, the
weather has been great, besides what are the odds that two huge storms
could hit in consecutive months on the exact weekends we are planning
to drive up a mountain?"...the answer...the odds are better then you
would think.

I checked Accuweather.com ( which much to my dismay turned out to be a
very accurate weather prognosticator) which stated that two storms
would hit that week. One on Wednesday and an even bigger one on the
Friday on which I would be driving up....alone. Oh and to answer your
question, No...the fact that I would be doing this again on Friday the
13th was not lost on me.

The Thursday night before my trip was very tense and restless.
Honestly, I didn't sleep at all. Turns out excitement co-mingling with
dread does not make for a night of healthy REM sleep. Lying awake at
530am I decided to end the torture and just get it over with. I threw
my chains in the back of my truck, made the sign of the cross (which
may seem a strange gesture considering where I was headed, until you
factor in that most historians agree that Jesus Christ was also
romantically linked to a prostitute. Even so, it still provided little
piece of mind.)

Unlike my last trip where there was a good deal of uncertainty
regarding just how bad the weather would be, this time there would be
no illusions. I knew I was driving into a frozen hell. Now, for those
of you who feel I may be overreacting, all I can say to you is "go
screw yourselves...I was scared alright..you weren't there....don't
judge me!".

So I get to Gold Run, pull up to chain control, where I am greeted
quite warmly by a very burly and bearded Cal-Trans employee. Knowing
the drill I directed him to the back of my truck and he began
installing my chains. I could hear him struggling as he attempted to
get my chains on, he got up, muttering under his breath and returned to
my window. He then asked me if I happened to have a bungee cord.
Seems he was having trouble getting my chains tight enough. Face ghost
white and mouth agape but unable to speak, I pointed under my back seat
where two bungee cords miraculously rested. He tied the cord in a
lovely figure eight, returned to my window telling me "that will be
$30.00". I gave him 40.00, hoping that a 10.00 tip would be enough to
ease my Karma meter into the black. Needing to ask the question but
not really wanting the answer, I leaned out my window and as calmly and
conversationally as possible asked " so how long will I need chains?
Really how bad is it up there?"..." Oh you'll need em for about 35
miles, it's pretty hairy up there. I'd hate to be goin up there today.
Well have a pleasant journey!"

I searched my mind for an appropriate response. Never being someone who
assumes a person is showing genuine compassion instead of sarcasm, I
quickly settled on "Fuck you dickhole!" and started to drive away.
Only when I felt my Karma meter dip into the red did I apply my brakes,
roll down my window and yell " God Bless!!". He gave me one last
bewildered look and with his meaty, mittened paw he waved me up the
mountain.

For the better part of 20 miles I was actually crusin along at a
pretty good clip. Things were going smooth and my confidence was high
that I would reach Kimberly Love in one piece. But deep in my heart I
knew this feeling of safety couldn't last. As I drove along at a
pedestrian 20 mph, a red light, that left little to the imagination
began to flash on my console. The flashing icon was in the shape of a
truck that looked very similar to mine...it appeared to be skidding.

For a moment I thought well this little light must be
mistaken...doesn't it know I'm in complete control?

But you really gotta hand it to those computers boy, cause not half a
second later, I was gliding across the road with all the control and
grace of a mentally handicapped figure skater. As I slid across the
ice my mind harkened back to the 10th grade and my Drivers Ed teacher
Mr. Vincent. Surely he had imparted some words of wisdom for a
situation such as this? Was it " in wet and snowy conditions always
slam on your brakes?" Or perhaps "Never turn into a skid?". For the
life of me I couldn't remember. I was sure if he could see me in my
current predicament he would wholeheartedly regret ever giving me a B+.

All I could really do at this point was take Carrie Underwood's advice
and let Jesus take the Wheel. Well lucky for me God must have a class
C drivers license, cause the light went off, the truck straightened out
and not a mile up ahead my salvation turned onto the road in the form
of a snow plow.

I ducked in behind him as he moved ahead at a leisurely 10mph.
Oblivious to the passing motorists who blared their horns at me as they
drove by, I quietly repeated my mantra of "it's not a speedway...they
can go around me." The signs for Truckee and the end of my nightmare
appeared ahead . The snow plow pulled off to the side of the road and
as I started to pass him, I thought "you should really let this guy
know how much you appreciated his help.". So as he emerged from his
vehicle, I rolled down my window and yelled " Hey thanks for the
help...I love you buddy!!" I have to admit that his reply of " go back
to California QueerFuck!!" left me somewhat confused. I can only
assume he was talking to someone else.

Now you probably won't believe this but the moment I took my chains off
and was again driving my badass truck (it's really nice...ask Katrina)
at a manly 70mph, I got a text from Kimberly, asking if I was ok. She
knew the roads were bad and she was concerned. All I could think of as
I typed my reply was, " wow..I hope I don't get a ticket for
this....and damn what a sweetheart she is.

I informed Kim that I was fine and would be arriving for the party at
5pm. I got to the Gold Dust ( a beautiful establishment by the way)
jumped in the shower (to wash off the stench of fear ), changed my
clothes and headed to the Love Ranch.

The lovely Janet greeted me at the door and escorted me over to Kim who
was sitting around chatting with Ruby, Katrina and Crock. Everyone
kept asking how the drive went. Never one to overplay my emotional
hand, I simply replied, "piece of cake.....have you not seen my truck?".

I have to say, it was great seeing everyone, from Nikki to Malika, Ruby
and Katrina, but honestly this love struck Dbag only had eyes for
Kimberly Love. I informed Kimberly that I had actually gotten her a
gift and while I had intended for her to open it on the night of our
party, she insisted on opening it right then and there in the middle of
the parlor. As some of you may know, Kim's favorite Disney movie is
Beauty and the Beast, so I had gotten her a framed lithograph from the
movie. I know , I know...pretty awesome right? Only problem is that
its pretty hard for a guy.....any guy... to look remotely manly
carrying a present covered in Disney princess wrapping paper through a
brothel. Even Mike Tyson would have felt like a gigantic pussy.

Anyway, she unwrapped it in front of everyone, said she loved it , my
face went beet red from embarrassment....Enough of that...lets move on
shall we?

So the anniversary party went great, everyone had a great time and even
Dennis and Suzette made an appearance.

Kimberly and I hung out all night, making each other laugh, ordering in
some food from the Gold Dust and just having a great time until well
past 3 am. At that point I realized I needed to get back to my hotel
and get some rest. I had my party with Kimberly the next night to think
about and didn't want any kind of performance issues....if ya know what
I mean? I'm sure none of you do, probably only happens to me right?

So the next night was great as well, MR60% finally showed up, although
I didn't see much of him since he disappeared with Malika about 5
minutes after walking in the door (nice hangin out with you too buddy).
Again Kim, just let me take my time, she didn't rush us into the back,
or make me feel pressured in any way. She really is just a naturally
sweet person who understands what each individual wants out of the
experience. Of course eventually I had to go in the back or else Diane
was gonna start charging me rent. So around midnight or so Kim and I
made our way back to her room. As was the case last time the
negotiation was over in 10 seconds. Truth is I'm a really good
negotiator...got a great deal on my badass truck too.

As is customary in these reviews the actual sexual encounter must be
kind of glossed over but just for full disclosures sake, let me say
that the second time with Kimberly was even better then the first.
Even taking out the sexual aspect, she was just so much fun to hang out
with. Truly one of the funniest and nicest people your ever gonna
meet.

I would also be remiss If I didn't send out a special thank you to
Dominick the Bartender. This guy is seriously the best bartender I
have ever met. My hand always had a drink in it, he was polite and
professional...for gods sake the man made mimosas, macaroons and
chicken and waffles for everyone on Sunday morning!! What a guy...plus
anyone who appreciates my fashion sense will always get a mention.

So in conclusion I must say that I have learned two very important
things....The first being that even if it were August, in the middle of
a drought, with a solar flare 5 minutes from engulfing the planet ,
turning the earth into an uninhabitable fiery ball of hell...If I
happen to be driving on I80 at that time, I guarantee you, it's gonna
be covered in snow and ice. The second thing I learned is that I am a
Kimberly Love-aholic...seriously, if you ever get a chance to spend
some time with this girl you need to take advantage. She is the best
in every way imaginable.

Once again, thanks to Kim, Nikki, Malika, Ruby, Katrina, Gillian,
Janet, Dominick and Diane(I'm sure I'm forgetting people). All of you
guys helped make this a great trip...see you next month

P.S. Peppermill Security is a joke...I think Mr60% would agree on this
last point...oh and we really missed the chicken wings this trip.

Awww! THANK YOU so much for the awesome review!!! Your reviews are always so much fun to read! It was so much fun spending time with you and I am so glad you were able to make it to our anniversary party. I am sorry you had to drive in such bad weather. I also want to thank you for the gift.. I love it!!! I look forward to seeing you again, sweetie!

Wow! I realize I was there for this fantastic experience yet somehow I was completely captivated. I kept asking myself, "what the heck will happen next?" And while I know this is a review about the wonderfully funny kimberly love, I can't help but wonder lets talk more about mr60%. he's really goodlooking! Of course I jest. Although I was sitting at the bar talking with the faboulous Malika almost the whole time, when I did look over to check on joltnjoey he looked like a kid in a candy store. In the few times I have been able to get Joey away from kimberly I would have to concur with this review, Kimberly is fantastic. People, this woman is freaking hilarious! Had me constantly rolling! That is until Joey would make it back and give me the stink eye. So guys and gals I beg you, no I implore each and everyone one of you on the message boards if you are near the Carson City area don't walk run to the Love Ranch North and spend your money on Ms. Kimberly Love and on Ms. Malika Elizabeth (her review is a work in progress). You will not regret it. In fact you are gonna feel like you didn't spend enough money for all the entertainment and attention they give you!
P.S. for those of you out there wondering-yes it is a real dbag move to tap your buddy on the shoulder while he's kissing a girl goodbye to tell said girl she has really beautiful eyes!

Thanks Natalia...and hey anytime you want Fish and Chips delivered to you at 3am...I'm your guy.

You're so sweet! I am glad you had a good time!

Best! Review! Ever!!!

All bias aside... I would have to agree with crock

Very cool review and love the details. Ive known kimberly a long time and sheisna great girl. Gorgeous too, but keep that quiet. I try to keep her humble. Lol I left her the same "surprise" this morning that I left on your bed. I guess she is not up since I am outside and she would be yelling to me out her window. Lol so happy to see you as always and thank you for the mention.

Ha!! The little gift you left on my bed this morning kind of scared me! Thanks! haha!
Love you!

Yeah what the hell is that thing supposed to be....I was pretty freaked to see it on my bed. Just hoping it didn't lay eggs in my ear while I was sleeping or anything.

It was great to finally meet you. So happy you had a blast with kimberly

Whoa... This review was close to slipping off the first page... Glad I caught it in time... That was a close one

Haha!! Ya Gillian knows it scares me so she is always putting it on my bed while im sleeping or leaving it in front of my door!

lets just bump this one too..might as well have the number 1 and 2 spots for a little while

here's a little bump for the fabulous and gorgeous Kimberly Love!

Aww! Thanks, mr60%!!

i just read this thread. i must say it is one of my favs! the post on jill is definitely my fav but whatever! this is pretty damn funny tho. kimberly is a warm and sexy woman. glad you had a great time. you're pretty funny for a hobbit!

Thank you, Isis! I am so glad that you are back!

This review on page 2? Unthinkable...glad I was here to right a wrong. You can all thank me later.

Thank you? Are you kidding? We should fire your ass for this slip up! Kimberly is front page stuff not page 2!!! Get your act together JOEY! Just kidding. I just love reading about this sexy woman!

bump

You're so sweet, Isis.

wow that is a very nice and long review of kimberly she is a sweet person.

nice review, has so many great details in it. Kimberly rocks! She has a sassy attitude but will sit and talk to you if you need some one to talk to. Thanks for being so nice kimberly!

Thank you, Jimi! You are so sweet and beautiful. I love you.

This review still makes me laugh my ass off!