A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date.

As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.

She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Q. Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

A. Well, you got to hand it to her.

Q. What do you do if a bird sh#ts on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What’s the difference between a working girl and a bitch?

A. Whores fuck everyone at the party, bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.


In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

"Why, yes I did."

"And did you use my name?"

"Why, yes how did you know?"

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

Q. Why do women have arms?

A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor



10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."

9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."

8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."

7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."

6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"

5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."

4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."

3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"

2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."

1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."


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QUESTIONS

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his d!ck was stuck in the chicken.

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That always makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

If the big breasted woman works at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work?


......iHop!!

(no offense intended with this joke, it was told to me by my 92yr old grandmother )

"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?"

"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunette.

"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.

"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."

Q. What is a diaphragm?

A. A trampoline for dickheads.

Q: Why do men have slits in their underware?
A: So they can get oxygen to their brains.


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Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually active?
A: He's breathing!


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Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

Q. What do your boss and a Slinky have in common?

A. They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

Two guys are sitting in the doctors waiting room. It takes forever so they get to talking. The conversation comes to why they are there. The first guy tells the other he has a red ring on his who-ha. The second guy says, "That's funny I have a similar ring on my who-ha, just it is a green ring."
Eventually, the doctor comes into the waiting room and takes the first guy for his exam. After a few minutes the first guy comes out and tells the second guy, "Everything is going to be fine, nothing wrong with me, everything should be ok with you."
After a few more minutes the doctor comes out and takes the second guy into the exam room. Upon a thorough exam, the doctor says, "I have some bad news, your who-ha is going to fall off and your going to die."
The guy freaks out and says, "That first guy had the same problem as I, just a red ring. How is he ok, and I'm going to die?"
The doctor says, "There is a big difference between lipstick and gangrene."

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

Awesome jokes John and everyone else.


Three guys and drinking in a bar and get to bragging how big each of their manhood is. Eventually, they decide to prove who is the biggest, by going up to the roof of the building and letting it all hang out.
The first guy lets out his manhood and lets it hang over the edge and proudly exclaims, "I'm so big that I hang down one whole story!"
The second guy lets out his manhood and lets it hang over the edge and proudly exclaims, "I'm so big that I hang down two stories!"
They both look over at the third guy who is dancing around further down the roof. They then ask him, "What you doing over there?"
He replies, "I'm dodging traffic."

There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.



There was an old lady from Wheeling,
who had a funny feeling
she laid on her back,
and tickled her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling

There once was this guy named Gored
Whose girlfriend was as flat as a board
He'd suck as hard as he could
And pulled them more then he should
But soon even Gored got bored.



Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb

SOME FUNNIES!!

A guy wakes up in the hospital all battered and bruised. The nurse walks into his room and asked, "What happened?"

The guy responds, "My wife caught me blow drying my D!ck, and asked me why I was doing that?"

I guess telling her, "heating up her dinner," was the wrong answer!

More Funnies!

Q. What’s the the definition of a vagina?

A. The box a penis comes in.

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March.........

10 Facts I know about YOU!

1. You are reading this right now.
2. You are realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice that I skipped three.
5. You are checking right now.
6. You are smiling.
7. You are still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You don't realize I skipped eight.
10. You are checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again.
11. You didn't realize there are only supposed to be ten facts.
12. You are just realizing now, that as soon as you stop reading this, I will not know anything more about you.

Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?

A. Better traction.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'

You are very astute Mixie! That was one of the hidden parts of the joke

A clean joke:

Why do seagulls fly of the sea?


If they flew over the bay they would be bagels!



A dirty joke:

I went into the gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

NEW RULES

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the sweetheart. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge sweetheart.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle class version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

One of my favorite joke from long ago.....

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

Q. What’s the definition of a woman’s perfect lover?

A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

THINGS TO PONDER



1. Is there another word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they cum, and take the house when they leave.


A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

How to Annoy Your Waiter:

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check

Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor

10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."

9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."

8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."

7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."

6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"

5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."

4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."

3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"

2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."

1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.

The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.

The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.

The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.

At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.

The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"
The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"
But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

I don't think anyone would want to divorce Barbiegirl anyways



After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man.

"After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns..

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

This guy had a stuttering problem and his wife was leaving him because of it.
So he went to a doctor to fix his stutter. The guy said d d d doctor can you hel hel hel help me I don't won't t t t lose my wife. The doctor said I will do what I can but I will have to start with a full examination. The guy strips down to put on a gown and the doctor says damn well there's your problem you got a 20 inch penis. It hangs so low it's putting pressure on your vocal cords. So what I suggest is surgery we will remove half of it and that should fix the problem. The guy says Th Th Thank you. So the guy has surgery. A week after surgery and the guy comes in to see the doctor. He goes doctor the surgery was a success and I just wanted to Thank you for everything you did for me. But my wife took one look at my penis and said oh no I'd rather have a stutter because you have 20 inches of articulation. So doctor you are going to have to reattach the rest of my penis. The doctor looked at the guy and said...
Bu Bu Bu Bu Bullsh*t it's t t t too late Now I I I can't help you

You are so funny Tamela!!

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management

Bob goes fishing regularly, but he hardly ever catches anything. One weekend, he is trying his luck again and sees a handful of other anglers pulling one magnificent fish after another out of the lake. He puts down his fishing tackle and goes over to investigate.

"Excuse me," he says to the first angler, "you seem to be catching a lot of fish. What are you using as bait?"

"Well," says the man, "I'm a doctor and I found out by sheer coincidence that human tonsils work really well. I get lots of them every week in my surgery."

Bob, of course, has no chance of getting his hands on bait like that, so he moves on to the next angler.

"Excuse me, you seem to be catching a lot of fish. What are you using as bait?"

"I use small pieces of human appendix," says the angler. "I'm a surgeon, so I get loads of appendix all the time and the fish seem to love it."

Once again, this is bait that Bob will never be able to get hold of, so he moves on to the next angler, who is sitting beside a barrel teeming with huge fish.

"I bet you're a doctor of some kind," says Bob. "Only doctors seem to be able to get the right bait for the fish in this lake."

"No," says the angler, "I'm not a doctor, just a busy rabbi."

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish.

During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About 6:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8 p.m.. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

I've also heard a version of this joke with raisins instead of almonds, still funny....


A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves.

She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth; they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

The old lady Answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."

I've also heard a version of this joke with raisins instead of almonds, still funny....


A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves.

She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth; they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

The old lady Answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Golf and Public Restroom Similarities

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum

How about a few pictures found on the web?


The Candy that explodes in your mouth and that you love to swallow (harmful or fatal if consumed). It doesn't stain your dress though.:

hmm. it wouldn't let me post all three on same message.



Online dating at it's best and why I should return to the ranches:

Let's take a trip to Disney

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

This guy walks into a brothel to have a good time. After a while he picks out a lady goes back to her room. After he drops his pants she notices he has a two inch penis. She looks at him and says who do you think you are going to please with that thing. He looks her in the eye and with both thumbs points at himself and says This Guy!!!!


I know kinda cheese but the best I can do for now.

TOP 10 Slut Jokes

10. You might be a slut if pregnancy is your prefered form of birth control.

09. You might be a slut if you know how many cocks you can fit in your mouth at once and its more than 2.

08. If you spray perfume on your pussy you might be a slut.

07. You know your a slut when your kid comes out Black, white, arab, persian, asian and Bostonian...

06. You might be a slut if you've ever flipped over a mattres to hide the stains.

05. You might be a slut if you sort the people you've slept with by state.

04. You might be a slut if you ask someone there name after you fucked them.

03. You might be a slut if you're on a first name basis with the kind folk at Planned Parenthood.

02. You might be a slut if an ATM isn't something you get money out of, unless you're a working girl, then you might.

01. You might be a slut if you wear crotchless panties to "save time".

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..." which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

I think this would make you organized.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with being a slut.




A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

SERVING HER


Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

ROFL, that is an awesome joke John!




A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newspaper stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look about 29." This makes him feel really good.

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop"

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'

RFOL Awesome!

How about a picture! Its too big for the forum so I put in a link....

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs49/f/2009/202/4/0/Urinal_Etiquette_by_sumomus.jpg


In relation to the men's bathroom is the girl's bathroom:

Guy's have always wondered why women go to the bathroom in groups. Here are a few man answers to that question....

1. They plot the downfall of man!

2. I just figured that there was something about women's restrooms that had a group puzzle aspect to it like a video game...

One person has to stand on a certain tile to raise the toilet, while one person uses it, and another person pulls a lever to dispense toilet paper...

Don't even ask about flushing...

3. I think there were parties going on in there... demonic or otherwise... I always get left out of everything.

When does 1 + 1 = 3? When you don't use a condom!

Three Asian ladies were soaking in a hot tub gossiping. Soaking in the hot tub is a great cultural past time in Asia. Eventually the conversation gets to bragging about their husbands. And as everyone knows the dragon in Asian culture is a totem of great esteem and respect.
So the first lady says, "My husband is so great he has a dragon tattooed on his back!"

The second lady, not to be out done, says, "My husband is so great he has a dragon tattoo covering his whole chest!"

The third lady is a little despondent, but after a little while, she says, "My husband is so great that his drags on the ground."

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $1500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

RFOL


This is the last joke I remember from long ago.

A man walks into a bar and her sees a horse in the corner with a huge jar of money in front of the horse.. He walks up to the bar and asks the barman, "Whats the story with the horse and the jar of money in the corner? "

The barman says, "Its a contest, you put five dollars in the jar. You win the jar of money if you make the horse laugh in 5 minutes or less."

The man thinks it over and says, "I'll take that bet."

He goes over to the horse, puts the five dollars in the jar and whispers into the horse's ear. "

The horse starts laughing and laughing. The man picks up the jar and walks out. Everyone is shocked.

A few months later the man walks into the same bar. He see's the horse in the corner and another jar full of money. He walks to the barman and asks if it is the same bet, to make the horse laugh. The barman says, "This time you need to make the horse laugh in five minutes or less for five dollars."

The man thinks it over and then says, "I'll take that bet!"

He walks over to the horse, puts the five dollars in the jar and appears to move around a little bit. Then, the horse starts crying and crying. The man picks up the jar and calmly starts walking out the door.

The barman is flabbergasted. He just can't believe what just happened. So he calls out to the man and says, "Wait, my friend. I just have to know how you man the horse laugh and then cry."

The man says, "Well, I feel a bit guilty taking all that money so I'll tell you. The first time to make the horse laugh, I told him I have a bigger d!ck than him. And the second time, to make the horse cry, I showed him."

Little Suzi asked Little Johnny, "Where do little girls come from?" Johnny
said, "They come from a hard-on." Little Suzi then asked, "And where does a
hard-on come from?" Little Johnny said, "Big girls!"

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little johnny. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me!"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Then you go to the Bunny ranch and see a girl like Tamela or Barbie and give yourself a Christmas present, hopefully at least a few times before you look like Santa.




My son came up to me this morning looking a little worried.

"Dad," he said "I've forgotten to do my maths homework and Miss Johnson is gonna go nuts. What should I do?"

"Honesty is the best policy, son," I said, "Go up to her, and tell her the truth.."

So my son went off to school, and when he came home, he was quite late.

"Where've you been, son? You're late," I said.

"Miss Johnson gave me a detention."

"For not doing your homework?" I asked.

"No," he said, "For telling her that I wanted to fuck her."

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The teacher said, "very good" and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" " shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said "very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a third question "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled the teacher writes her name on the board and says, "My name is Ms. Prussy, that's P-R-U-S-S-Y." Some of the kids in classs snicker and she says sharply, "That's WITH an R!"

So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, "Okay students, who can remember my name? And don't forget the R!" About five hands go up and Dirty Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention.

The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, what is my name?" To this Johnny replies, "Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!!"