★ ★ ★ ♥ JOKES with TAMELA LEE ♥ ★ ★ ★

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:05 pm

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

tamelalee · **Posted:** Mon Apr 15, 2013 9:16 pm

Lmao!

Air Force Amy wrote:

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

John N Ga · **Posted:** Tue Apr 16, 2013 4:01 am

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Sharky · **Posted:** Tue Apr 16, 2013 7:12 am

You get an exclusive viewing...oh yeah and it has gotten bigger, probably anticipating seeing you in return. :twisted:

tamelalee wrote:

Aha! I wanna see :shock:

Sharky wrote:

Hickory dickory, dock
Hey it works :mrgreen:

tamelalee · **Posted:** Tue Apr 16, 2013 7:32 pm

Yummy

Sharky wrote:

You get an exclusive viewing...oh yeah and it has gotten bigger, probably anticipating seeing you in return. :twisted:

tamelalee wrote:

Aha! I wanna see :shock:

Sharky wrote:

Hickory dickory, dock
Hey it works :mrgreen:

John N Ga · **Posted:** Wed Apr 17, 2013 3:54 am

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Sharky · **Posted:** Wed Apr 17, 2013 6:41 am

Tony Romo, Tom Brady and Aaron Rogers go into a bar....

To watch the Superbowl. :mrgreen:

tamelalee · **Posted:** Wed Apr 17, 2013 4:08 pm

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The Swallow

breastlvr · **Posted:** Wed Apr 17, 2013 4:47 pm

tamelalee wrote:

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The Swallow

You got that right! :twisted:

jadecapri · **Posted:** Wed Apr 17, 2013 6:20 pm

tamelalee wrote:

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The Swallow

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:04 am

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Sharky · **Posted:** Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:24 am

Guy 1: I have such a headache.
Guy 2 steps on the first guys foot so hard that the guy flinches and winces and complains in agony.
Guy 1: What did you do that for?
Guy 2: How are you feeling?
Guy 1: My foot hurts like hell, why?
Guy 2: See you forgot about your headache. You're welcome. :mrgreen:

tamelalee · **Posted:** Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:18 pm

Aha! My little brother and sister used to do that

Sharky wrote:

Guy 1: I have such a headache.
Guy 2 steps on the first guys foot so hard that the guy flinches and winces and complains in agony.
Guy 1: What did you do that for?
Guy 2: How are you feeling?
Guy 1: My foot hurts like hell, why?
Guy 2: See you forgot about your headache. You're welcome. :mrgreen:

John N Ga · **Posted:** Fri Apr 19, 2013 3:43 am

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Fri Apr 19, 2013 3:54 am

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Sharky · **Posted:** Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:01 am

Good one Thunderstorm. :lol:

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:31 am

That one is funny!!!! Have to watch what you wish for!!! LOL

thunderstorm wrote:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

 
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

 
"Well," says  the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

 
"That's  brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

 
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:28 am

Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.

Coincidence?

I think not.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:32 am

A young man tutored his sweetheart in math,
he thought of it as his mission,
he kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"

She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"

Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young lady's father
had this 'lesson' in his vision,
he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said,
"Then that is long division!"

tamelalee · **Posted:** Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:36 pm

Awesome!

thunderstorm wrote:

Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.

Coincidence?

I think not.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sun Apr 21, 2013 3:22 am

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Sun Apr 21, 2013 4:39 am

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

tamelalee · **Posted:** Sun Apr 21, 2013 7:03 pm

Aha! Oops

John N Ga wrote:

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:03 pm

Oh My!!! This is hilarious!!!!!

thunderstorm wrote:

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

tamelalee · **Posted:** Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:49 pm

* Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:28 am

25 Things Blondes can say during Sex...........

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. But whipped cream makes me break out.
5. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
6. I accept Visa?
7. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
8. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
9. Hope you're as good- looking when I'm sober...
10. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
11. This would be more fun with a few more people.
12. You're almost as good as my ex!
13. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
14. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
15. No, really... I do this part better myself!
16. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
17. I think you have it on backwards.
18. When is this supposed to feel good?
19. You're good enough to do this for a living!
20. Is that blood on the headboard?
21. Did I remember to take my pill?
22. That leak better be from the waterbed!
23. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
24. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
25. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:26 am

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was \\$127.50. "How can that be?" He asked.

"I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

tamelalee · **Posted:** Mon Apr 22, 2013 6:58 pm

Hehe

John N Ga wrote:

25 Things Blondes can say during Sex...........

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. But whipped cream makes me break out.
5. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
6. I accept Visa?
7. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
8. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
9. Hope you're as good- looking when I'm sober...
10. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
11. This would be more fun with a few more people.
12. You're almost as good as my ex!
13. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
14. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
15. No, really... I do this part better myself!
16. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
17. I think you have it on backwards.
18. When is this supposed to feel good?
19. You're good enough to do this for a living!
20. Is that blood on the headboard?
21. Did I remember to take my pill?
22. That leak better be from the waterbed!
23. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
24. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
25. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

Grand Dad Gone Wild · **Posted:** Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:39 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Haha

John N Ga · **Posted:** Tue Apr 23, 2013 3:03 am

A blonde decides to do something crazy she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Tue Apr 23, 2013 4:35 am

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake)

=> LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Tue Apr 23, 2013 4:52 am

Trouser snake ...huh? hehe
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/File:Mr_bean.gif" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

thunderstorm wrote:

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake)

=> LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Wed Apr 24, 2013 4:16 am

ROFL John, nicely done!

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?

"No, I don't," said the little boy

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Mauna Loa mac nut in a Hershey Kiss

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

tamelalee · **Posted:** Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:43 am

* Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:06 pm

Little Johnny... Name That Animal
Previous Next

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

chloecollens · **Joined:** Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:30 pm **Posts:** 847

Here's one that made me laugh--enjoy!

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!". :lol:

Sharky · **Posted:** Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:22 pm

Why should sex be like the S.A.T.?

It should be long, make you sweat and last all day long. :mrgreen:

John N Ga · **Posted:** Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:47 am

Family Guy Joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtOcZVePMnc" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

breastlvr · **Posted:** Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:50 pm

chloecollens wrote:

Here's one that made me laugh--enjoy!

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!". :lol:

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Sat Apr 27, 2013 4:35 am

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

tamelalee · **Posted:** Sat Apr 27, 2013 5:19 pm

Gas Grill Butt

A couple had been married 15 years.

One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."

The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Sat Apr 27, 2013 5:54 pm

Here is one....

Why did the Backstreet Boys show up to the party?

'Cause they had "The Call."

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:19 am

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/7606ba ... -2-mad-cow

tamelalee · **Posted:** Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:22 pm

Funny lol

John N Ga wrote:

:lol:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/7606ba ... -2-mad-cow" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Sharky · **Posted:** Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:51 am

Joke for Tamela:

Let's argue and wrestle...my tongue and your clit. :wink:

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:10 pm

Sharky wrote:

Joke for Tamela:

Let's argue and wrestle...my tongue and your clit. :wink:

Now that one is good!!!!

John N Ga · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 4:01 am

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 4:38 am

A dating Amish couple, Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's mid-January and very cold. Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."

Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."

Elizabeth does so, and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?'

Eli answers, "That's my penis and it's frozen solid. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up?"

The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"

Her mother asks, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"

Elizabeth replies, "Well, they sure are messy when they melt!"

Sharky · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 5:55 am

HOME, where the HO and ME get together. :mrgreen:

Sharky · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 5:58 am

The definition of a hypocrite:
A stripper lecturing me about my porn career while we're having sex. :mrgreen:

DonJ · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 11:20 am

Air Force Amy · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 2:27 pm

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

breastlvr · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 4:14 pm

Air Force Amy wrote:

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

Hilarious! :lol:

tamelalee · **Posted:** Wed May 01, 2013 4:28 pm

Aha cute

Sharky wrote:

HOME, where the HO and ME get together. :mrgreen:

John N Ga · **Posted:** Thu May 02, 2013 4:01 am

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Thu May 02, 2013 7:08 am

I just explained Google images to my mom.

'Pick anything to search for', I said.

She replied, 'What about a nice cream pie?'

'Except that.' I said.

tamelalee · **Posted:** Thu May 02, 2013 7:37 pm

Holidaying in Las Vegas

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are holidaying in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

To which Bessie replies, “Should have bought a hat, Sam. Should have bought a hat.”

John N Ga · **Posted:** Fri May 03, 2013 4:01 am

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Fri May 03, 2013 9:21 am

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sat May 04, 2013 3:53 am

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Sat May 04, 2013 4:36 am

What has a bottom at the top?

I don't know?

Your legs!

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sat May 04, 2013 2:20 pm

Forgot my glasses

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the other seniors.

I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

tamelalee · **Posted:** Sat May 04, 2013 3:00 pm

This thread always cracks me up :lol:

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sun May 05, 2013 2:52 am

A girl comes to a gynaecologist. She undresses and sits down with legs wide
apart. Doctor:
- Up!
The girl lift her legs up.
- Up!
The girl lifts her legs even higher.
- Up!!! – shouts doc.
Girl: - Doc, I can’t lift them higher.
Doc: - The office of gynaecologist is up on the Second Floor. It‘s the barber shop here.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Mon May 06, 2013 3:28 am

A gay guy walks into a barber shop.

He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?"

The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real
thick..."

That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner
climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on
his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?"

The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on
my chest hair would grow..."

His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case
you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass."

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Mon May 06, 2013 4:36 am

What is a man's worst nightmare?

A hooker with a chipped tooth & the hiccups.

tamelalee · **Posted:** Mon May 06, 2013 5:30 pm

Ouch

lol

thunderstorm wrote:

What is a man's worst nightmare?

A hooker with a chipped tooth & the hiccups.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Tue May 07, 2013 3:56 am

Little Johnny the paper boy,he goes up to miss Smiths house and knocks on the door,miss smith yelling out im here to get the money for the paper.Miss Smith anserws the door and tells little Johnny i dont have any money this week,will you seattle for some p*ssy she replies,little Johnny says why sure,so she brings him into the house and pulls down his pants,and yells out damn thats the biggest c*ck ive ever seen.Just as she said that little Johnny pulls out a hand full of washers from his pocket,and starts to slide them down the shaft of his c*ck.Miss Smith yells out hey Johnny im pretty sure i can handel all that c*ck.Little Johnny replies not for no $3.50 you aint.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Tue May 07, 2013 4:18 am

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As
the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,
he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do
you smoke?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the
LOOKING or the THINKING?"

Sharky · **Posted:** Tue May 07, 2013 6:57 am

This is great for a laugh. :mrgreen:

John N Ga · **Posted:** Wed May 08, 2013 3:45 am

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Wed May 08, 2013 4:34 am

LOL John!

“A plastic surgeon who specializes in breast implants is a front end manager.”

tamelalee · **Posted:** Wed May 08, 2013 3:08 pm

Uhh ohh

busted!

John N Ga wrote:

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

John N Ga · **Posted:** Thu May 09, 2013 3:50 am

A little boy goes to school but bringing in a cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pussy up.”

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Thu May 09, 2013 6:38 am

A girl at work was disgusted when she saw a cum stain on my work trousers.

I apologized and explained I had eaten spaghetti carbonara on my lunch break.

For some reason, pasta really turns me on.

Riley Sapphire · **Posted:** Thu May 09, 2013 8:31 am

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

A: Fssshh

jadecapri · **Posted:** Thu May 09, 2013 10:08 am

Riley Sapphire wrote:

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

A: Fssshh

Heh. That's one of my favorites.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Fri May 10, 2013 3:44 am

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Sharky · **Posted:** Fri May 10, 2013 6:00 am

Haha love it!!!

John N Ga wrote:

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

tamelalee · **Posted:** Fri May 10, 2013 9:40 am

Lmao! Awesome!

John N Ga wrote:

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sat May 11, 2013 9:57 am

Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches your pu**y say “Stop”.
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”
The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay
*Few seconds later*
Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sun May 12, 2013 4:13 am

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

John N Ga · **Posted:** Tue May 14, 2013 3:54 am

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Tue May 14, 2013 4:24 am

A woman walks into work late and her boss starts going mental.

"You're two hours fucking late!" he yelled. "Will I have to report you to management?"

"I'm actually two weeks late, thanks to you," she replied. "Shall I report you to your wife?"

"Take the day off," he said.

tamelalee · **Posted:** Tue May 14, 2013 7:32 am

Old man: can you give me an erection?
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, the lame walk, and I can even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I can't raise the dead.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Tue May 14, 2013 7:14 pm

What is the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't make a vitamin, but you can make a hor moan!

John N Ga · **Posted:** Wed May 15, 2013 3:44 am

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Wed May 15, 2013 5:29 am

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man.

"If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety, ribbed, favored, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

Sharky · **Posted:** Wed May 15, 2013 6:02 am

Haha aspirin. :mrgreen:

tamelalee · **Posted:** Wed May 15, 2013 12:20 pm

Lol!

thunderstorm wrote:

What is the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't make a vitamin, but you can make a hor moan!

John N Ga · **Posted:** Thu May 16, 2013 3:45 am

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Thu May 16, 2013 4:24 am

What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?

Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

alexisdarien · **Joined:** Thu Dec 27, 2012 7:27 pm **Posts:** 1301

tamelalee wrote:

Lets begin with some lesbian jokes shall we

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet. :lol:

LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!

HERE'S MY ADDITION FOR TODAY:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[smilie=happy.gif]

tamelalee · **Posted:** Thu May 16, 2013 2:26 pm

Nice addition :mrgreen:

alexisdarien wrote:

tamelalee wrote:

Lets begin with some lesbian jokes shall we

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet. :lol:

LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!

HERE'S MY ADDITION FOR TODAY:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[smilie=happy.gif]

John N Ga · **Posted:** Fri May 17, 2013 3:30 am

John N Ga · **Posted:** Sun May 19, 2013 3:41 am

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

thunderstorm · **Posted:** Sun May 19, 2013 4:11 am

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.

John N Ga · **Posted:** Mon May 20, 2013 3:03 am

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

Sharky · **Posted:** Mon May 20, 2013 7:10 am

Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden after eating the forbidden fruit and about to have sex when Eve began rubbing her breasts telling Adam how she wanted him so badly.
Adam not knowing what to do began rubbing his growing member.
Eve moved in closer and they kissed and Adam began to grow more with Eve's touch.
Suddenly Adam stepped back and asked Eve to stand by his side.
She asked why.
Well this is the first time and I don't know when this thing will stop growing. :lol: