A doctor was interviewing an elderly patient.
“Have you been bedridden long, ma’am?” He asked.
She replied, “Oh, not for about 20 years, not since my husband died.”

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"

The sa lesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

A blonde went to see a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”

A married executive took a business trip to palm beach. The weather was so nice that he decided to stay an extra week. He e-mailed his best friend with the message “Hop on the next plane for a week fun on me. Bing my wife and your mistress.”
A few hours later his friend wrote back, “Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at noon. How long have you known about us?”

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question."

Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"

She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?"

She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

Helpful hints to make life simpler



Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

*Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

Why did they put a vibrate option on cell phones.
That way women would have incentive to not lose their phones.

Why do cell phones have a vibrate option?
So that women would have more than one use for them.

The latest high-tech gadget out of silicon valley is sleek, eight inches long, made of white plastic and has a women happily singing out loud. It’s called the ipod

What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her skirt?
Self-employed.

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, "What's wrong, honey?"


She replied, "What happened to my boogie?

A woman told her psychiatrist that she’d fallen in love with a vibrator. “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” she said. “It’s just an on-again, off-again relationship.”

What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux pair.

What do you say to a man with five penises?



Your jeans fit like a glove.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

It's Passover(Pesach) this week so I thought this one is appropriate:


At the tattoo parlour
Miriam goes into a tattoo parlour in Tel Aviv and says to the artist on duty, "I’d like the words ‘Happy Purim’ tattooed on my right thigh please, just below my bikini line."
"Of course, madam," he says, "anything else?"
"Yes," replies Miriam, "put a picture of a hamentash underneath the words."
"No problem," he says, "will that be all?"
"No," replies Miriam. "On my other thigh, also just below my bikini line, I’d like the words, ‘Happy Pesach’ with a picture of a matzo underneath the words."
So the artist gets going and some time later completes his work of art. The tattoos look great. As Miriam is getting dressed, he says to her, "I don’t mean to pry, but why did you want such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
"Because I'm fed up with my husband always complaining that there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach," she replies.

A girl phoned me
the other day and said ...
"Come on over, there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home

A first – grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multisyllabic words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children for examples of words with more than two syllables.
One pupil stood up and said, “Mas-tur-ba-tion.”
Shocked and trying to retain her composure, the teacher said,
“wow. Four syllables. That certainly is a mouthful.”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “you’re thinking of blow job, and that’s only two syllables.”

This evening my wife decided that she didn't want to cook a meal for us both. Her reasoning was that the best chefs in the world are male, so I should cook.

I then explained to her that the best porn stars in the world are female, so I should fuck her up the ass and cum on her face.

As I expected, the pizza arrived 30 minutes later.

A lover went to a jewelry store to buy some gift for his girlfriend. He selected a locket.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The lover thought for a moment, and replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. This way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

An American business man was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it when she cried out, “fujifoo,fujifoo,”which guy took to be an exclamation of pleasure. The nest day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and got a hole in one. Wanting to impress them , he yelled, “fujifoo.”
The Japanese businessmen looked confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and G.I.Joe.”
“G.I.Joe?” the mother asked. “I thought Barbie and ken.”
The daughter replied, “no she comes with G.I.Joe. She fakes it with ken.”

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns(a hymn is a spiritual song sung in church).

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a \\$1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

I got this from Brad...

Proverb,
Woman who stands on toilet is too high on pot

"giggles"

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet.

“What’s this, “she asked.

“Taste it,” he replied, “If you like it, I’ll give you a whole one!”

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her skirt?
Self-employed.


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Happy Easter!

Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?


He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens!


What is the end of Easter?



The letter R.


What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?



A hot cross bunny

When you hide some things about your life from your parents and they eventually find out. Just remind them of the following;

The Easter Bunny
Santa Claus
The Tooth Fairy

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure “Explain that statement,” the judge demanded.
“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar, and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman – so I showed her.”

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?

Boy: I tried it once, but their a**holes are too small.

What's the difference between "like" and "love"?

Answer: Spit and swallow

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

You've all heard that behind every great man is a woman, but
you may not have heard that behind every great woman is some
guy staring at her ass.

lol i like that!

Aha! So true

That is great!!!!

Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita Dick inside me!

Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Budweiser!
Budweiser who?
Budweiser mother taking her clothes off!

Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Buster!
Buster who?
Buster Cherry! Is your daughter home?

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Hee hee classic!!

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Ben Hur
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur over and give it to her doggy style!

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
(sexy voice) Who would you like it to be?

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Bo-Ho
Bo-Ho Who?
Stop crying pussy it’s not the end of the world.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
"Fuck you said"
"Fuck you said who?"
"Me!"

hahaha those are great! thanks for the laugh john!

OMG these are good.

Haha that's great

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.

The brunette's word was quizzical.

The redhead's word was photosynthesis.

The blonde's word was dick.

9. Knock knock!
Who's there?
Lemme.
Lemme who?
Lemme see those tits!

10. Knock knock!
Who's there.
Sho Mia.
Sho Mia who?
Sho Mia your ass!

A patrolman drove by and saw a blonde woman pulled over and looking at the mountain side. He turned back around and went to investigate.
He asked the blonde what the problem was. She replied that there wasn't anything wrong and that she was just following instructions for the sign in the road she passed.
Thinking he hadn't noticed something the patrolman walked back to the sign.
It read "Watch for rock"

Hee hee I love dick!! xoxoxo

Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

Especially when it is hard...



President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.

"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."

The waitress stomps off in total disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.

Two buddies were having a drink at a bar when a subject turned to sex and marriage. ”Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?” the first man asked.
“Well, every once in a while,” the second man replied. “But she’s more into the trick dog thing.”
“Oh I see,” the first man said. “Kinky stuff, eh?”
“Well, not exactly,” the second replied. “I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead

Two elderly men were talking about their sex lives. One told the other, “I had sex with a 30 years –old three times last night.”
The friend said, “Wow. You must be using that Viagra.”
“No,” the man said. “I know a little secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can have sex for hours.”
So the second man ran to the nearest supermarket and grabbed six loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said, “That’s a lot of bread. It will probably get hard before you’re done eating it all.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the man said. “Does everyone know about this but me?”

My wife sidled up to me and leaned forward giving me a good look at her cleavage.

"Have you ever seen a twenty-dollar bill crumpled up in a very interesting way?" she asked.

"No", I answered.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached deep into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty-dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked, and I shook my head.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached under her dress into her panties and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen thirty thousand dollars all crumpled up?"

Intrigued, I slowly shook my head.

"Well," she said, "go take a look in the garage..."

A Game Of Animal Football



The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."


He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.


The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.


Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.


Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.


"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."


The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.


"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.


"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.


The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"


"I was putting on my shoes."

DOCTOR SMITH

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her
breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the
tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new
boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the
bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."

Hickory dickory, dock
Hey it works

A wife went to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doc. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out his earsplitting yell.”
“ My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up."

Candy Sex

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth!

Aha! Yes!

The Sensuous Wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage..."-------YIKES!!!!

Here is a question for you....

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Because Domino wanted to pick the best body painted bunny winner at St. Patrick's weekend.

Proof that nursery rhymes are about crimes;
Jack jumped over the candlestick (probably because he was running from the cops)
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner (has something to do with violating someone's pie)
Goldilocks, guilty of breaking and entering, theft and destruction of private property, just ask the 3 bears.

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats swatting at a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so. I started thinking "Jesus, the fucking stupid animal is so damn easily amused."

And then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.

Heh heh

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.



A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an sweetheart, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.

"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as a earth women?"

"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"

"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?"

"Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.

"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"

Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?

To separate the meat section from the dairy section

I love these jokes. SMILING already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for posting!!!!

Hilarious!!!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita put my penis in you!



Knock knock!
Who's there?
Buster!
Buster who?
Buster Cherry! Is your daughter home?



Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you!

Guy1: Wow, you must be taking Viagra!
Guy2: Why do you say that?
Guy1: Because you're a bigger dick than you've ever been.

Aha! I wanna see

Those are great!

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Butcher
Butcher who?
Butcher hands up this is a robbery

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Ima Reilly
Ima Reilly Who?
Ima Reilly Cumming

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Khan!
Khan who?
Khan-dom broke, hope you're on the pill!

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.

"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than
drink whiskey!"

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

Girls are like biscuits - they are tough until they get wet.

I love knock knock jokes

True dat!! xoxoxo