A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day?

Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Parking lots have unsaid rules.



Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.

Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.

Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.

Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.

Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

How is a thong like barbed-wire fence?

It protect the property without obstructing the view.

Duck waddles into a bar, orders a beer, tells the bar tender to put it on his bill.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!

Why is sex and an envelope similar?

You lick it, then stick it in the box.

A guy has taken hostages while robbing a bank. He asks the first hostage "did you see me rob the bank?", the first hostage says "yeah", the robber shoots him in the head. The robber asks the second hostage "did you see me rob the bank?", the second hostage says "yeah", the robber shoots him in the head. The robber asks the third hostage "did you see me rob the bank?", the hostage says "no, but my wife did".

Why did god give women a belly button?
So there’s a place to stash your gum on the way down.

Black Panties

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

Why do dogs stick their noses in womens crotches??

Becasue they can lol

New sex position. LMAO

Old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair, lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.

Dentist says "I'm not a Gynecologist."

"I know," she says "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Last week I gave my boss a hug. When he asked what the hell that was about ? I told him because it was gay frack Friday.

He laughed then tried to kiss me on the mouth ! Crazy bugger !

Another guy was hammering on a piece of pipe with a sledge hammer. I goosed him. After that he couldn't hit the pipe worth a dam !! Mainly because he was trying to swing the hammer and keep his eye on me at the same time lol !!

Bumper sticker I seen today.

"Silence is golden but duct tape is silver"

The coolest bumper sticker I have seen in a long time...



ANYTIME FOR AN APPOINTMENT, 1-888-BUNNYRANCH

“How did the human race come into existence?” a little girl asked her mother. The mother replied: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.” Two days later she asked her father the same question, to which he replied: “Many years ago there were monkeys and we evolved from them.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that God created the human race and dad says that we evolved from monkeys?” “Well dear, it’s very simple,” the mother answered, “I told you about the origin of my family and your dad told you about the origin of his”.

No offense to anyone from Arkansas, but this made me laugh so much, especially about the dog of unknown breed...




Arkansas Governor Application

First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________

Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________


Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)

Birth date(yours):__________________

Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)

Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )

Year of pickup truck:_____________

List all that you have in your truck:

Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )


How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )

Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you
is your wife:

50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
What's IQ points? ( )

Does your wife wear:

A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )

Understood previous questions:

Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )

Color of wife's hair:

Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( ) Other( )

Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________

Last Alien sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________

Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:

________________________________
Signature ('X' if you can't write)

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

I remember when I was just a young boy, I was in my bedroom alone looking at Playboy Magazine. Just then my father came in and said, “Son if you do that, you’ll go blind.”

And I said, “DAD, I’M OVER HERE!”

Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some push ups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately...."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Well I thought I'd share some of the better one's with ya'll

The judge asked the prostitute, "so when did you realize you had been raped?"

Wiping away tears, she replied, "When the check bounced"

I know I haven't known you very long
and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon ,
but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and
I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.......










Do you have a piece of gum?

How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple?

Apparently enough to grow a bone...

Guy 1 and Guy 2 were out walking their dogs when guy 1 says they should stop at the bar for a drink. Guy 2 asks him how they will get in with their dogs. Guy 1 says 'just follow my lead'.

Guy 1 puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the bar. Bartender tells him he can't let the dog in. Guy 1 tells him he has to because it is a seeing eye dog & the issue is resolved.

Guy 2 puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the bar. Bartender tells him he can't let the dog in. Guy 2 tells him its a seeing eye dog. Bartender says "Really your Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog ?". Guy 2 replies "WHAT ? Those bastards gave me a Chihuahua ?".

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.


ANYTIME FOR AN APPOINTMENT, 1-888-BUNNYRANCH

Newly wed couple
This newly wed couple were on there honeymoon and where about to have sex:

wife: Before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: I have a flat butt.

husband: I don't believe u..prove it.

So she took her pants down and turned around.

husband: Holy cow i never seen a smaller butt, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!





ANYTIME FOR AN APPOINTMENT, 1-888-BUNNYRANCH OR PM ME!!!

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?” he asked.
‘To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later she began removing the cream with tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked the little boy. “Giving up?”

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."


Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats...
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food...
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap

Did you here the one about the student who dropped out of THE Ohio State University, enrolled at Michigan and raised the collective GPA of both schools ?

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."



ANYTIME FOR AN APPOINTMENT, 1-888-BUNNYRANCH OR PM ME!!!

Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY

Two guys were discussing attitudes about sex, marriage and family values
The first man said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?
“I’m not sure,” the second replied. “what was her maiden name?

LOL very funny Krissy!




A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

hehe "What's up Dick?"
lol

Did you hear the reason why Ted Turner and his latest wife broke-up ?

She realized there is a god and told Ted it was not him.

Cat got your Tongue?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.


The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

Because I Said So!


After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?""Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first working girl house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the \$5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a working girl comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

What's the difference between dark and hard?

It's dark ALL night

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"





A 97-year-old prostitute got herself listed in the yellow pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book.

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh#t?'

A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.
“Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Si, Señor, that's the one.”

“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

”Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Rod.”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

“Your wife's, Señor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.”


“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in serious trouble!”

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?


Fertilized

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

A Pollock walks up to a sexy woman in the bar and asks, "Hi there, mind if I buy you a drink?"
She replies, "Look that's very nice but just so you know I'm a lesbian."
The guy answers her, "That's okay, I'll still buy you a drink."
So the bartender pours them their drinks.
The guy turns and asks her, "So how long have you been away from Beruit?"

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

LOL. I have a related joke...

What did one nut say to the other?


Don't look back, the guy behind us is an A@@ hole.

Happy St. Patricks!




Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"


"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"


"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...


Darn! There goes another one!"

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"Well,Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'


ANYTIME FOR AN APPOINTMENT, OR PM ME!!!

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:


"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Just seen this one on Twitter


What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?


Phelps can finish a race.

A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh$t?

Scientists say that the universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons.

How could they forgot to mention Morons?

lol, Jayla! Here's one for ya:

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."

The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My Georgie!!

XOXO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! funny! Here's one for you:

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could
pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should

save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved

your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply
answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take

the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus
with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought

limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
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However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of
the car, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

I just love happy endings.

A tour bus traveling through Nevada drove by the Moonlite Bunny/ Love Ranch North Ranches.
The guide noted, “We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America.” To which a male passenger shouted. “Why?”

I so agree!!!


An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.


A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky, so he tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm to indicate that he wanted sex. The wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry, dear but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow. And I want to stay fresh.”
Dejected, the husband turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back and whispered in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment, too?”

A penis has a sad life; His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an sweetheart, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered- waiting for autumn.

Cat Jockey

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.

The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.

The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.

Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.

The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.

When I asked my girlfriend if I could fuck her in the a@@, she looked at me with a wicked glint in her eye and said, "Baby, I'm happy to try anything you want me to, just so long as you'd be prepared to do it yourself... So, do you still want to fuck me in the a@@?"

"Actually, I've changed my mind," I replied. "I want you to have sex with your sister."

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

What did the sign outside a whorehouse say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

An old rancher died, leaving everything to his devoted wife.
Needing help, she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought about it and hired the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
Him around.
He proved to be hard worker who put in long hours and knew a lot about ranching. To reward his good work she let him have the night off to go into town for some fun. Later that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room, he saw the woman standing
Beside the fireplace, a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she ordered. Trembling, he did so.
“Now take off my boots,” she said.
“Now my socks,” The hired man complied.
“Now take off my skirt.” He unzipped it.
“Now take off my bra.” He did as he was told.
“Now take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
She fixed him with a determined gaze and said,” If you ever wear my clothes
into town you’re fired.”

A Sex expert was once asked whether a rape is possible while running. No, he replied, woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants down

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling “Who’s been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo, mate!”

What's the ultimate form of birth control?

A woman pointing and laughing.

Andrew was standing in a bus stop. A very attractive woman came from behind and said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," not remembering ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out to board a school bus.

Andrew was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then, he was happy that he might resemble one of her former lovers. Suddenly, he got a little panicky when and thought, "May be during one of the wild parties he had been to, when he was in college, he did father her child!
He boarded that bus, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son's teacher.

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."