Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


A. Doughnuts

Friends are like underwear, always a comfort.
Good friends are like condom always protecting.
Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.

What Do A Clitoris, An Anniversary, And A Toilet Have In Common?


Men always miss them.

Parents: "Watch your mouth." Me: "I can't watch it, it's under my nose."

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

The officer replies, "Because your breast is hanging out."

"OH MY GOD!" she says. "I left the baby on the bus again!"

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the bastards they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote “Returned unopened.”

Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.

Do you have a piece of gum?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde - Dolly Parton

You know why they call them smart phones?

Would you really admit to having a 'Stupid Damn Phone' ?

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

How do you get a blonde out of a tree?


Wave

10 Things Not To Tell Your Girlfriend


10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.

The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."

The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."

The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

The Man Code




1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "poopoo!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

I want my girlfriend to be like a hurricane....

Who wouldn't want to get blown all night and then have work cancelled the next day

What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen?
Snowballs.

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"

Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the poopoo out of him!"

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Condom size


Man: I wanna buy condom
Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size?
Salesgirl : Give him a 'M'. Wait...
Salesgirl : Give him 'L'..
Salesgirl : wait...give him 'XL'...
Salesgirl : Oh $hit.... Give me a TISSUE.....

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?"

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in."

What do u call a girl with one leg??



Ilene

Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world?

Because they already have boyfriends!

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

This fella goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover."

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A tongue twister.............


I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Karen lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Sex is like NOKIA (connecting people)
like NIKE (just do it)
like PEPSI (ask for more)
like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited)
and like ME (TO GOOD TO BE TRUE)..

Q: What if a pilgrim shot a bobcat instead of a turkey?

A: We would eat pussy on Thanksgiving instead

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

My girlfriend went down on me and, as she did, she hummed the theme from Star Wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...

I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow.

161



A Man At The Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

I can clearly see you're nuts!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also sh!t in your pants."

What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?


They can smell it but they cant eat it

Why is Congress like "most" prom dates?

You think you're gonna get something accomplished, but it's just a lot of talk and go home all dressed up.

Q: What's the pink nub of flesh between your grandmother's breasts called?
A: Her clit.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep poopoo.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

A man was walking down the road then he kicked a bottle. All of the sudden a genie popped out, "I will grant you three wishes."

The man smiled and said, "Ok, I want to be soft to the touch, but hard as a rock and surrounded by pussy."

The genie smiled, "Wish granted."

The man turned into a tampon.

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.


Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...


....you stupid mosquito.

A redhead told her blonde step sister "last night I slept with a Brazilian."

The blonde step sister said, "You sl*t, that's disgusting, how many is a Brazilian?"

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?
A: A hare brain.

Q: How many hairs in a rabbit's tail?
A: None, they're all on the outside.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The first Rabbit to lay and egg.

What's the difference between 'dark' and 'hard' ?

It's dark all night long.

Two young lovers go up to the Sierra Nevada Mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

To that she replies, "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs."

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost
all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a
bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an
even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her
way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me,
miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit
as you have for the past week." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked
rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight!"

Man goes to the vet about his dogs fleas. The vet: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' Man asks why. 'Because he's far too heavy.'

Man goes into the doctor.

Doctor: I'm sorry sir, but it seems your mole is cancerous, we'll have to remove it as soon as possible.

Patient: I would like a second opinion if you don't mind.

Doctor: Okay, your body odor is offensive, I would suggest a shower and using soap.

Ba dum dum

What do you call an Asian sex offender?

Rai Ping Yu.

Political Humor:

Have you seen Feinstein or Pelosi? If they aren't the bipartisan equivalent of birth control I don't know what they are.

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see
her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

My ex-wife and I used to have tons of oral sex.

Every time we passed each other we would say "F*ck you".

Ba dum dum

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Slut jokes are just whoreable.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Herpes, the gift that keeps on giving.
Yeah I know it's sick

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a $hit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and $hit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with $hit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

A 17 year-old blonde boy named Billy, was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway outside Reno.

On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long.

The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long.

On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his Boss, Max asked him why he was doing less each day.

Billy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."

High School Reunions: Group meeting for the d-bags you knew to get together and confirm their status.

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get
off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns
the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?"
asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including
her panties and lies
down on the table and shouts:
‘HELP ME - I haven't
seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?" asks the doctor.
J
"I put drops in her eyes!!"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

Mustaches are just wings for your nose. <--- funny!!

A couple is getting fairly romantic in bed.

Guy: Suck my d*ck.
Woman: Be romantic.
Guy: Okay, suck my d*ck in the rain.

Ba dum dum (saw this one on my Twitter acct)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!

Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.
The judge announced, "Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent.".
"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was f*cking Goofy!"

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

What do you get when you think you have seen the same cow twice?

A feeling of deja MOOOO!

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Definition of "Don't try this at home." = Don't let your parents see you do this.

What do cats eat for breakfast?


Mice Krispies

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?





Two; same as it takes to screw anywhere else.... Have to be a big light bulb though.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all expecting their first kid.
Brunette:- I conceived with him on top - I'm gonna have a boy.
Redhead:- I conceived while I was on top - I'm gonna have a girl.
Blonde:- Oh sh*t, I 'm gonna have puppies!!!!!

If olive oil is made from olives, and corn oil is made from corn.

What is baby oil made from? LMAO

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

Did you hear about the short-sighted prostitute?


You've got to hand it to her....

A woman goes to the doctor. She says "Doc, what am I going to do ? I've told my fiancee that I've never been with anyone before - as soon as we have sex, he'll find out that isn't true ! Is there anything you can do to help me ?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "Yup, there is an operation," he says, "but it costs $5000"

"$5000 !?!?! That's steep ! Is there nothing else you can do ?"

The doctor thinks some more. "Actually, there is another option - and it only costs $500..... and I can sort it out here and now."

"$500, right now? Great, I'll do that."

The night of the wedding comes round, and everything is right - the pain, the blood, everything. The husband is totally convinced. The woman rings the doc the next morning. "It's amazing !" she says, "what did you do ?"

"Simple - I tied all your pubic hairs together"

Why was R Kelly pissed off?

Because he wasn't pissed on.

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters."

The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."

The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."

The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny

What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?


The wrinkles!

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.

Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.

After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.

"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"

How to cook a Turkey


Bring home a turkey
Take a drink of scotch
Put turkey in the oven
Take another 2 drinks of scotch
Set the degree at 375 ovens
Take 3 more scotch of drink
Turk the bastey
Scotch another bottle of get
Ponder the meat thermometer
Glass yourself a pour of scotch
Bake the scotch for 4 hours
Take the oven out of the turkey
Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Turk the carvey
Get yourself another scottle of botch
Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Bless the dinner and pass out!

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight."

"'There," whispered the Bride's mom. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

'That's my boy,' said the Groom's father. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her, so she hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.


While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."


Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."


Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."


"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"


She replied, "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh."

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "YOUR husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the sh$t out of the dog

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

Why is spanking it better than playing the Lotto?




You are always guaranteed to have a couple million in your hand.