We don't have any vegetable jokes yet, so lettuce know if you do.

A man walks into a doctors office and tells the doc my sex life isn't as good as it should be so the doc hands him a bottle and says take these. The next day he's back saying it did'nt work so the doc hands him another bottle and says take only one of these they are very potent so he leaves and chugs the whole bottle. The next day a little girl is in the office the doc says whats wrong she says whats wrong!? My mommy's dead my sister is pregnant and my daddy is on the roof going here kitty kitty.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

Ok time for me to get out, before a blonde hurricane comes blowing thru, hehe. Tamela !

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

Ode to Oral Sex


Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head

Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly

But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through

Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar

And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough

Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

I hope we haven't had this one yet:

A woman walks into a sex shop and asks the salesperson where the dildos are. The salesperson says: "They're along that wall over there." The woman looks at the wall wide eyed and says: "I'll take that big red one." The salesperson replies: "I'm sorry but I can't sell you the fire extinguisher."

Scales of New Heights





Scales oHeight of Unemployment
- Cobwebs in the pussy of a prostitute.

Height of Trouble
- A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching.

Height of Technology
- Condom with a zip.

Height of Sophistication
- Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of patience
- A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Innocence
- A teenager girl applying ointment to her nipples.

Height of frustration
- A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Disgust
- While wiping after a good poopoo, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Competition
- A guy pissing beside a waterfall.

Condoms
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.

Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.

Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.

Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?

KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Bernard Matthews Condoms : - Beautiful

Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load

Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough

Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.

Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....

ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger

Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.

Goodyear condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

In the Garden of Eden God called Adam to him and said, "Now I shall teach you how to kiss."
"Lord, what is kiss?" asked Adam.

"I will show you," said God and taught him all he needed to know about kissing. Whereupon Adam went to Eve and kissed her.

Then God called Adam back and said, "Now I shall teach you about intimacy."

"Lord, what is Intimacy?" asked Adam.

"I will show you," said God and taught him all he needed to know about intimacy. Adam then went to Eve, but came back almost immediately...

"Lord," asked Adam, "what is headache?"

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"



Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it or risk getting screwed an uncountable times

What's the difference between a penis an a prick?

A penis is sexy and fun.

A prick is the guy who owns it!!!

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years, and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

Hilbilly Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

Colic...............A sheep dog.

Coma...............A punctuation mark.

D&C................Where Washington is.

Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema.............Not a friend.

Fester............Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............A small lie.

G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node....................I knew it.

Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

Secretion.......Hiding something.

Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.

Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor...............More than one.

Urine...............Opposite of mine.

Varicose............Near by.

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation.

The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.

Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head.

"Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."

His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"

Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."

His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?"

"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!"

Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a proffesional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a proffesional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."

Q: Why are men are like public toilets?

A: The good ones are taken, the rest are full of poopoo.

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady, and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next ,when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes."

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?



Duh...Carpet!

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'yahoo' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant.

'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback...'


Does this sound like a fun way to ride, ladies?

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

Spooning:

For Girls - Cute, Warm and straight to sleep.

For Boys -Face full of hair,make up all over new top,dead arm and an awkward boner

WHY HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

Cuz when they come, they’re wild & wet, when they go, they take your house & car

CREATION OF A PUSSY

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a girl.

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

The Stupidity Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

True or False

Grandma in court


Grandma Goes to Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Paul gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a thousand rupee note on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain"Why on earth would an accountant get a thousand rupee note tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one I like to watch my money grow, and two once in a while I like to play with my money, three I like how money feels in my hand and lastly instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a thousand bucks anytime you want."

Two hookers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air".

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

A Nevada Highway Patrol Officer pulled a car over on 395 about 2 miles south of the South of Reno.

When the Officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Reno, to do a show that night at the Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Officer, that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a truck pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk good old boy, from Carson City, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, and opened the rear door and got in. The Officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my drunk ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

How much did the Pirate pay to get his ear pierced?

A Buccaneer!


XXXtra Kisses,Caresssa

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?



A. Toys for Twats

New Types Of Orgasms

Sex in a boat: oar-gasms
Sex with a nerd: dork-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house: door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum: floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket: store-gasms
Sex at a Steven King Movie: horror-gasms
Sex with a prostitute: whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant: bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping: snore-gasms
Sex with 4WDrivers: four-on-the-floorgasms
Sex with a salesmen: door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin: my-hymen-got-torgasms
Premature ejaculators have: beforegasms
Sex with 'Arthur': Dudley Moore-gasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys: Eeyore-gasms
Sex while broke: poor-gasms
Sex with a lion: roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end: sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course: fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac: more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine: ore-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist: pore-gasms
Sex with a politician: Al Gore-gasms
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers smore-gasms
Sex with a bullfighter: toreador-gasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword: zorro-gasms
Sex on the beach: shore-gasms
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet: smorgasbord-gasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck: shuffleboard-gasms
Sex in Asia: Singapore-gasms
Sex among the wonders of nature: outdoor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train: 'All Aboard'-gasms
Sex that wasn't very satisfying: 'There's the door'-gasms
Sex in an adult theater: hard-core-gasms
Sex with someone who's not paying attention: ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner: score-gasms
Sex while flying: soar-gasms
Sex with a beloved partner: adore-gasms
Sex with a meat-eater: carnivore-gasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo: pompadour-gasms
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes: velour-gasms
Sex while travelling: tour-gasms
Sex with a big dog: Labrador-gasms
Sex with Beavis and Butthead: GonnaScore-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall: escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends: four-gasms
Sex with a Norse God: Thor-gasms
Sex when resistance is futile: Borg-gasms
Sex during hay fever season: spore-gasms
Sex with a cookie: oreo-gasms
Sex with a vegetarian: vege-gasms
Sex with a storyteller: lore-gasms
Sex when you get an award: Honogasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck: Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can: odorgasms
Sex using plastic cutlery: Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet: Troubadorgasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards: Conquistadorgasms
Sex in a firehouse: Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer: Bjorkgasms
Sex with the a bad actor: Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a bugle player: Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space: Abortgasms
Sex during an earthquake: Tremorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison: Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker: Contractorgasms
Sex on farm implements: Tractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra: Conductorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters: Liquorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies: Coronergasms
Sex with a possessive partner: Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant: Igorgasms
Sex without a climax: Nogasms

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.

On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"

The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."

"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.

She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"

Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"

A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her, and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender wandered over and asked, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had!"

The bartender smiled. "Well, you sure look the worse for wear!"

"No kidding," the mouse replied. "Between the kissing and the foreplay, I must have run 10 miles!"

Clean joke: A boy took a bath with bubbles

Dirty Joke: Bubbles is the boy's next door neighbor

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

I walked into Subway and said to the cashier, "I've just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out."

"Maybe you bit down too hard?" she replied.

"They weren't my teeth."

SalesGirl: U can't smoke here.

Customer: But I bought from this shop. SalesGirl: We sell condom too, but it doesnt mean u can fuck here

WIFE: Can u explain how this lipstick got on your collar?

HUSBAND: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.

Q. What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

A. One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep sh$t.

Looks like it is riddle time so....



What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?



It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Man standing on the scale, holding his stomach in.

Wife: I dont think that's going to help.

Man: How else could I see the numbers?

Three women are seated in the doctor's office waiting room one day.

The doctor calls the first one in. When he examines her, he sees a big "Y" on her chest. He asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"

She replies, "That's from my boyfriend's sweater. You see, my boyfriend went to Yale, and when we make love he likes to wear his Yale sweater."

"I see," the doctor says. He completes her examination and then calls in the next woman. When he examines her, he sees a big "H" on her chest.

Again, the doctor inquires about the letter. "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" he asks.

The woman replies, "That's from my husband's sweater. He went to Harvard, and when we make love he likes to wear his Harvard sweater."

The doctor nods his head and completes her examination. He then calls in the last woman. She also has a letter on her chest, a big "M."

"Don't tell me," he says. "Your boyfriend went to Michigan!"

"No," she says. "My girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

Wife is not a part of furniture, until screwed on bed.

Guide To Office Language

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/all/2#ixzz28etP5mKC

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg ?

A: Roll it over and start sucking its dick.

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.
The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?

A. They are both used as substitute meat.

They live at the Bunny and Love Ranches!




A man was on a holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day, his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain and decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village clinic," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man said, "I've got acute sunburn. What's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs.

HAHAH very good.





Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Question: What has 68 arms, 68 legs, 68 eyes, 68 ears and an IQ of 68?

Answer: The entire front row at the Grand Ole Opry.



Dave

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP

Hermie the spermie was bound and determined to get to the egg first when the time came. He swam and swam to get stronger and faster. More and more swimming to be sure he was the fastest. Finally the time was here and Hermie took off. Hermie was way out ahead. "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it." He was so far in front the other sperm couldn't see him anymore. Then all of a sudden they saw Hermie swimming back towards them. When Hermie was close enough they heard him yelling, "Go back! Go back! It's a blow job!"

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

I've been saving this for the alien party.......




Two aliens landed in the Nevada desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear....!"




Have a great time at the party tonight!

The wise old bull and a younger inexperienced bull were at the top of the hill looking at the cows down in the valley. The young bull says, "Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows". The wise old bull replies, "Why don't we walk and fuck them all?"

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Just been for an eye test. Good news and bad news...

The good news is they've sorted out my eyesight and I got a bargain on 2 pairs of glasses.

The bad news is that my cock is a lot smaller than I originally thought. And I'm banned from Lensecrafters.

What do you call a woman who smiles at you when you leave the house..And also smiles when you come back?

The neighbors wife;)

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

What so you call oral sex between yuppies?
Sixty something.

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella??

fo drizzle.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet..... so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

DOCTOR: U r looking so weak and exhausted! R u taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?

LADY: Oh my God! I heard 3 MALES per day!

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

There once was a man from Kent,
whose cock was so long it bent,
to save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of cumming he went.

A Man With no Arms or Legs

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"
And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

It's the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Mary Jane's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.

Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"

What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse?







Swiss Army Wife.

Why Karaoke is better than sex...

[list=]- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.

- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.

- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.

- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.

- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.

- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.

- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.

- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance. [/list]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave


A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY a WOMAN UNDERSTANDS

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Love Old Women...

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID
DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU
OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -
STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD
STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY
SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE
LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS
SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?