In the middle of harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started to pee.

Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the tip of his manhood.

The pain was unbearable, but he remembered a piece of good advice.

He went to the farmer's house and put his thingy in buttermilk.

At that moment, the farmer's daughter walked in. Her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"

TO FUNNY

A girl got in line to donate blood at the local blood bank. She got to talking to the man in line in front of her and asked how often he donated blood.

He corrected her, stating that he was there to donate sperm. Really, she said, "How much do they pay for sperm donations?"

"$50.00," the man stated.

The girl replied that she only made $10.00 each time she donated blood.

After the donations, each went their own way. The following week, the same girl and guy got in line again. The man
turned to the girl and asked "Are you here to donate blood again?"

Girl, with cheeks puffed out, mumbled, "Nooumm, Dunnnafdsf SPperkpfsdaf"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey you bitch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey you slut."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?

A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."


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Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?

You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.

"Actually no"..he replied.

"Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say...

"Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night! I'm going to the Bunny Ranch."

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?

Because he was a party pooper

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole, give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a blowjob during the ride to work.

Once I get to the office I do some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.

Then at night I give the missus another screw..."

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

Wonder what store this was at? lol

A guy is on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. He goes up to his room, and there's a sign near the bed that says, "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception desk and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She tells him to turn over and he does, revealing a huge boner.

"Ahh, you want wanky, wanky!" she giggles.

"Oooh, yes!" he leers.

She runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door, and says, "You finish yet?"

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Extra Office Work
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked.

”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

”Did it not work?”

”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again

Little Johnny the paper boy,he goes up to miss Smiths house and knocks on the door,miss smith yelling out im here to get the money for the paper.Miss Smith anserws the door and tells little Johnny i dont have any money this week,will you seattle for some p*ssy she replies,little Johnny says why sure,so she brings him into the house and pulls down his pants,and yells out damn thats the biggest c*ck ive ever seen.Just as she said that little Johnny pulls out a hand full of washers from his pocket,and starts to slide them down the shaft of his c*ck.Miss Smith yells out hey Johnny im pretty sure i can handel all that c*ck.Little Johnny replies not for no $3.50 you aint.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well... He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

Top Ten Men


1.The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2.The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3.The hairdresser because he says, "Do youwant it teased or blown"
4.The Milkman because he says, "Do you wantit in front or in back?"
5.The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6.The Banker because he says, "If you take itout to soon, you'll lose interest."
7.The Police Officer because hesays, "Spread 'em"
8.The Mailman because he always delivershis package.
9.The Pilot because he takes off fast andthen slows down.
10.The Hunter because he always goes deep inthe bush, shoots twice.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind.

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a strong bone about 6 inches long."

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks

10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I'm using one of my old undershirts."

9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It's a legal alternative to crack."

8. "Let me make sure that's not too hot."

7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."

6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."

5. "Sugar with that?"

4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"

3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee, I'll break your legs!"

2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."

1. "After work, I'm gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."


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I want one, does the bunny ranch deliver?




Mario and Luigi go to a working girl house and Mario says " Luigi, whena we come outa of the roomsa, we willa meet on that coucha and tell each other whata happened" Luigi agrees and they go into the rooms. When Mario gets done, he goes down, and sees Luigi on the couch.

"Whata happened Mario," Luigi asked.

"Heh it wasa so gooda, the lady goes to the fridge and getsa biga bowl of whipta cream anda smothers it alla over mya big hard ona, then she puta strawberry on top anda licked it alla offa, it was the most amazingly pleasinga orgasm evera, how about youa Luig?i"

"Wella basicly the same thing happened to me but instead ofa the whipped creama and strawberry, she got the spaghetti anda meatball, and she wrap the noodlesa alla over mya hard on, then puts a meatball on top, anda you wouldnt believe ita"

"What?" Mario askes.

"Wella it looka so good. I ate it all myself."

Nympho Convention

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

I said to my friend, "You should treat your girlfriend the same way you treat your mobile phone."

He said, "What, take good care of her, and never lose her?"

I said, "No, upgrade every couple of years."

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.'

He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.'

He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'.

He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!'

He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman - 'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?'

To which the woman replies 'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.'

To which the man replies - 'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!'

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

A couple of friends and I were sitting in a bar, talking about what guys usually talk about...women. We were talking about how we rate women, and trading lies about the beautiful women we'd had. After a while, we decided to compare our rating systems by checking out the women as they came in.

The first woman that came in was this cute little brunette. She was short, built well, with nice tits, and a cute little ass.
"She's at least an 8," I said, "very nice."
"Yeah, an 8 at least," said my other friend.
"No," said the third guy. "I wouldn't give her more than a 1."
"A 1?" we shrieked. "That's pretty tough."

In a few minutes, a tall redhead walked in and by our table. She smiled as she passed.
"Well," I said, "I like red heads. I'd give her a 9."
"I can agree with that," mimicked my friend.
"Still a 1...maybe a 2," said the other guy.

Well, we were taken aback by this flippant attitude, but we continued our ratings, with the third guy always rating very low. A short time later, however, this foxy blonde walked in. Every eye in the place watched her as she ambled up to the bar. Her low cut mini-skirt revealed enough to show she had it all. Her figure was something out of a dream.
"I think we've seen a 10 now, or higher if possible," I said.
"Yeah, she makes my tongue so hard I can hardly speak," said my friend.
Still unmoved, the last guy said, "Wow, yeah she's about a 4."
This was about all we could take.

"A 4?", we echoed. "What scale are you using?"
"Well, I use the Budweiser scale," he replied.
"The Budweiser scale?"
"Yeah...the Budweiser scale."
"What the hell is the Budweiser scale?"
"Well, I just try to estimate how many Clydesdale's it
would take to pull her off my face", he replied.

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus

Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God. There's no blood in my alcohol system. That's my stuck and I'm story to it.

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money just looking."

Laws of the Natural Universe


Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

On Her Knees


Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!"

The two men were dumbfounded. "Wow that's incredible! What happened next?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, "Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

You and me both Jade.




Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A poem....


Here lies the bones of screwy Rick
Cursed at birth with a corkscrew dick
Spent his life in a futile hunt
To find a girl with a corkscrew c-nt
He found that girl, but now he is dead
The no account bitch had a left-hand thread.

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.

He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Oldie but Goodie


Q. Why did God create the orgasm?

A. So women can moan even when they’re happy.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass."

He asks the third guy, "What about you?".

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

And so I'd say with certainty
That every man just loves his tool:
But girls, be sure you never chew,
Just suck and fondle, lick and play,
And never, ever bend!

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!"

With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling."

"Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Not as great as you make us feel Tamela.





Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, but," stammered the woman.

"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.

"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

Pregnancy and Childbirth Advice


Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.

WHY SEX IS LIKE RIDING A BIKE

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sun rises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave some of the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied,"But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see.....where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John, decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came, and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars.

They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher

Too cute Tamela!



One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda, and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.

He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the fuck do you want?"

"Driver's license and registration please."

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?

Data transfer.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".



Any ladies want to try this exercising program?

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

What is another name for Father?


A MOTHER F^CKER!

I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."

"Hmm," I replied, "My hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"

"Do you want a hand job?"

She's a keeper.

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight. She has multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.

"Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.

Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads:

"KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal That Eats Bushes and Leaves."

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting
out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
anesthetic.

" I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want
you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show
him . . . ."

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Once I came upon this pretty temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
Enough to make a bone eight inches long.

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

"Notice anything?", He said.

"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

LOL she wanted him hard, great joke John.



A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus.

Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I vent to New York, I vent to London, I vent to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As soon as I arrived, I vent into all the cubicles where the men were peeing and I say to them, "Give me £10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said Sam, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"

To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"