We all love to laugh!! Share your jokes with me..HERE

Laughing is the best medicine :lol:

Lets begin with some lesbian jokes shall we

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A Klondyke.

1)
What do lesbians need to get married?
A Licker license!
2)
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook, they just eat out!
3)
What do lesbians do after they have an argument?
They go home and lick each others wounds!

How many screws are there in a lesbians coffin?
None, Its all tongue and groove!

What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?
Tartar sauce!

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"?
A: It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!

re: Militia Etheridge


How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick-a-likes

Some excellent Chinese Proverbs:

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Well dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians these are funny.


What do mechanics and lesbians have in common?
They both use Snap-On tools.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

Not a lesbian joke, but a true story, I swear! The other night I was sitting at a hotel bar in Las Vegas and there was an older couple sitting next to me. The man bought the lady a drink and they sat and talked while they enjoyed their drinks. Eventually they finished the drinks and the lady asked the man if she could reciprocate and buy him a drink. He said to her, " I really shouldn't, if I have another, I will start to feel it." She then said to him, "If we have one more drink, I will let you feel it!"

More Chinese Proverbs:

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who walk low through turnstile going to bang cock.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Boy who go to sleep with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.

Murphy's Laws of Combat:

Try not to draw fire, it annoys everyone around you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Friendly fire is not.

Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it, that bullet will find you regardless. Its the ones labeled "To Whom It May Concern" that you should be paying attention to.

Always remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

NEVER share a foxhole with someone crazier than you !!!

What do Congress and lesbians have in common?
Neither of 'em do d*ck.

LMAO

More Chinese Proverbs:

Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring.

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man who drop watch in toilet have poopoo time.

Learn to masturbate- It'll come in handy.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?


Instead of KY she insists on using WD40.

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept on having affairs with men!

How can you tell a bar is a lesbian bar?
The pool table doesn't have balls.

Ode to Oral Sex


Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single

What did the female vampire say to the other female vampire?


"See you next month."

What did one lesbian say to the other?
Your face or mine?

What do you call 13 lesbians who are athletically inclined?

A WNBA franchise.

In order to save on holiday costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder and says, "There is something I have been meaning to tell you about myself. I will be frank. I am a lesbian."
"That's OK," replied the other girl, "I will be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too!"

What's another term for a spinster? A lesbian who hasn't come out of the closet

What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
Strapadictomy!

Let's see...
Licking women's bodies, eating p*ssy, caressing b**bs and having a woman sit on your face for hours.

OMG I think I'm a lesbian.

*snickers*

whats worse than two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon,

when one of the wins it.

Why do you never make fun of a pretty lesbian?

Because she's probably got a "butch" that'll kick your a$$.

Did you hear about the lesbian who took too much Viagra?
She couldn't get her tongue back into her mouth for over a week!

How do you know that a lesbian couple has been renting the place before you?

The washer and dryer are imbalanced on purpose.

Two lesbians were standing at the bar drinking when another girl waved across the bar.
"Who is that chick?" the first lesbian asked, "I would sure like to get her legs spread on my bed!"
"No you wouldn't!" replied the other lesbian, "I have heard that she is hung like a doughnut!"

A guy is sitting at a bar and notices a beautiful young woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and tells him he wants to buy a drink for the lady.

The bartender tells him, "Don't waste your time. She's a lesbian!"

The customer tells him, "That doesn't matter to me. I still want to buy her a drink."

The bartender takes the young woman a drink and tells her who bought the drink for her.

The man then walks down to the end of the bar, sits next to the young woman and says, "So...what part of Lesbia are you from?"


Dave

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ’P’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well my boyfriend plays football at Purdue and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love."

The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash, except she has a large "I" shaped rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks.

"My boyfriend plays football at Iliinois and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love," she says.

The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an "M" on her chest.

"Let me guess," the doctor says. "Your boyfriend plays football at Michigan?"

"No," the patient replies, "But I have a girlfriend plays lacrosse at Wisconsin."


Dave

Ok...redneck jokes


You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Red-Neck pick up line:

Guy drives up to a lady in his truck...

"Hey cuz get in, I got a six pack in the cooler."

You might be a redneck if...

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

"How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?" asked his father.

"Good," said Johnny. "The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn't get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!"

"That’s good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the next day of school, he asked again.

"I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn't get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

"What's the matter, son?" asked Dad.

"Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I’m from Arkansas?"

"No, son," explained Dad. "That's because you’re 18!"

You might be a Red-Neck....

If you've even been the "eye witness" to a UFO sighting

If you've been quoted in the National Inquirer

If you think astro-turf is home decor

If you think duct tape is a house warming gift

If you and your uncle go to school together because you're in the same grade

If you use a bug zapper as a porch light

One day a housework -challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

His wife shouted, "It depends." "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Go Gators!"

AND THEY THOUGHT BLONDES ARE DUMB.......

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.

"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

" It's too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he steps out of the shower...

' Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No tain’t, Billy Ray, it’s not rigged-my wife won twice last week."

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breathe and calling your name??


A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Redneck wants to fight

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

These are a riot.

What do rednecks call "National Forests"?
Public Restrooms

What do rednecks call marriage counselors?
Bartender

What do rednecks do when a pet dies?
Cookout

Two young rednecks get married. They spend their wedding night up on the ridge, in an old cabin that is to be their home. The next morning the groom’s father is sitting on his front porch, whittling. His son comes up and silently sits down beside him.

The father doesn’t want to pry, so they just sit there, side by side, and whittle for a while. Finally the father’s curiosity gets the better of him, and he asks, "How come you ain’t with your bride?"

"I done left her, Pa."

"How come you done that, son?"

"She was a virgin, Pa."

Pa whittled some more, and then after a while pronounces: "You done right. If’n she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for our’n."

The Stolen Truck...

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."

In the back woods of Arkansas, Bubba's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, Bubba's first son was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Bubba!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered Bubba's second son.

"No, no, don't drop that lantern, Bubba... It seems there's a third one coming!" cried the doctor.

Bubba scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

What do you call 32 rednecks gathered in a room?

A full set of teeth

What do you call a redneck farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

You might be a reneck if...

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears.

Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.

You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.

You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.

The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.

Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.

What does a redneck consider "safe sex"?

Tying the dog to the yard chain while they go "visit" the sheep pen.

You might be a redneck if...

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Ammo is on my list lol

You might be redneck if someone tells you a redneck joke and you say,
"Yeah, so why is that so funny?"

Agreed... Here's a joke:

If the large breasted woman works at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work?

IHOP!!

You might be a reneck if...

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

The Redneck & the Dummy

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. All of a sudden, an angry redneck stands up, rolls up his sleeves ,and yells, ''I resent that!''

The ventriloquist starts apologizing to the redneck. The redneck looks at him and says, '' You stay outta this! I'm talking to the guy on your lap!''

How do you break a redneck's finger?
Hit him in the nose.

What has 32 teeth and the IQ of 70?
Front row at Reba McEntire concert.

What happens when you play a country song backwards?
Your beer gets cold, your woman comes back and your truck gets fixed.

JAK ASK HIS PERSONAL TRAINER ,
HEY I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS THIS GIRL , WHAT MACHINE SHOULD I USE ?????


THE ATM MACHINE OUTSIDE THE GYM WOULD BE THE BEST ONE

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter askes. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

White Trash Checklist

You know you're really white trash when...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You might be white trash if.....

You think Donald Trump is president because he's on TV talking all the time.

You vote based on how "fancy" the candidate's name sounds.

You keep the Christmas tree up year-round and just change the lights for the holidays.

You go to school and they have their own class on using the welfare system.

You get a job and your parents refer to you as the "failure" in the family.

You're the fourth generation on welfare.

Your welfare agent comes over for the holidays.

On the job application for driver under experience you put "Moonshine Runnin"

A trucker goes in to order breakfast and tells the waitress that he would like "3 flat tires, 2 headlights and two running boards" please...

The waitress is bewildered so she asks the cook what is this guy talkin about...cook replies oh he wants 3 pancakes, 2 eggs sunnyside up and two strips of bacon, oh i see says the waitress and she proceeds out to the trucker with a bowl of chilli

When she puts the chilli on the truckers table he replies... "whats this for"
She says..."I thought you might want to gas up first"

You might be white trash if you have as many family members in prison as you do on welfare.

REDNECK BABY CHAIR AND TEETHING RING

Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth

yo mama so fat she gotta use a matress for a maxi pad

Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield ?
Answer: His ass !

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face ?".

What did Yasser Arafat say to Bill Clinton ?
Answer: Sheep don't talk my friend.

Yo momma so ugly the mall pays her to shop somewhere else.

Yo momma so fat she shops at "Tents R Us"

Yo momma so fat OSHA makes her honk when she moves.

Yo momma so ugly your daddy takes her everywhere so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye

Yo momma so nasty they thought she was a Kardashian sister.

Yo momma so nasty Jersey Shore wouldn't hire her.

Yo momma so fat when she gets a paper cut she bleeds Crisco.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo momma so fat when she gets on the digital scale, the scale screams for help.

Yo momma so fat she doesn't wear a tutu, she wears a tenten.

Yo momma so fat she put an all you can eat buffet out of business.

Yo momma so ugly she doesn't have to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly that not even goldfish crackers smile back

Yo mama so ugly Bob the Builder looked at her and said "I CAN'T FIX THAT!"

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo Mama So Stupid

I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...

she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!

Yo momma so dumb she still thinks the stork brought you.

Yo momma so dumb she asked a farmer how they grew bottled water.

Yo momma is so white trash she tattooed her name on her a$$ so the guys know what to call her.

Yo momma so dumb she thinks IQ is ET's cousin.

Yo momma so dumb she studied for a urine test and still failed.

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

yo mamma so fat when she sat on a dollar she made change

Yo momma so fat when she goes to the ball game she has to use the tunnel.

Yo momma so old she knows who invented dirt.

Yo momma so old her social security number has 3 digits.

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!